[floatleft-nb]Lenin: the deity of earth, toil,
and light bulbs, the giver of
beets, vodka, and happiness.
A principal deity of the Soviet
People who worshiped his
mummy while believing he was
still alive. Lenin's birthday
is an important Marxist festival,
also known as Sacrificial Earth
Shoveling, or simply Earth Day.[/floatleft-nb]

Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press

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Following up on our earlier interview with Al Gore, a TPC correspondent went to Moscow and met with the reanimated Leader of Workers and Peasants, Vladimir Lenin.

Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum.

His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window.


Red: What makes you so popular with the masses?
Lenin: Do you realize that if weren't for me this country would still have no electricity? (the Great Thinker pointед at the Budweiser® neon sign over the counter).
Red: What are your plans for the nearest future?
Lenin: Use the Communist Party's assets to take over the railroad station, the telegraph, and the post office.
Red: Why?
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We have great future in store for you, little girl. You will grow up obeying the Party, hating capitalists, fearing freedom, denouncing neighbors for a ration card, and sacrificing personal happiness for the Greater Good. You will have no individuality. Would you like to become a mote of a vast collective? Atta girl!



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Lenin delivers a fiery speech at the Nudist Convention in the Palace of Congresses, Kremlin. His personal life, however, is limited to political prostitutes in the Politburo. And he misses Trotsky.



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Starving workers and peasants of America! The dark era of capitalist oppression is almost over! Send us the money! Your sacrifice will be rewarded, I promise!


Lenin: Those are the key elements of a successful uprising. Haven't you read my works, young man?
Red: What about the email and the Internet?
Lenin: That too. The revolution must control everything. What's Internet?
Red: t's that thing invented by Al Gore, the same progressive inventor who built time machine and brought you to the year of 2005.
Lenin: Give him my regards. Technological progress is important for building communism, as is raises labor productivity. That is why socialist labor productivity has always topped that of the West.
Red: It didn't, unfortunately.
Lenin: But weren't the Soviet workers more interested in the product of their work because it belonged to them, as opposed to the Western laborers who toiled for the hated capitalist employer?
Red: In fact, the Soviet workers were stealing everything as they thought it belonged to them anyway. They were also heard saying, The government pretends that it pays us, and we pretend that we do the work.
Lenin: Traitors! I'd have ordered exemplary executions at every workplace! Every office!
Red: Stalin did just that. But after his death the discipline has dwindled.

The Teacher of Toiling Masses went silent for a while, stirring a bag of NutraSweet® into the Styrofoam® cup of Starbucks® coffee with a Dispozo® straw. Then he continued quietly:

Lenin: Weren't the Soviet clocks the fastest, and the Soviet microchips the largest in the world?
Red: Exactly.
Lenin: What about Russia's natural resources? Couldn't they just rip everything out of the earth as fast as they could and outdo the West that way?
Red: I can't say they didn't try. They actually created a few environmental disasters that way.
Lenin: And what, nothing?
Red: They did make a nuclear bomb but the labor productivity didn't get better.
Lenin: Has there been any population growth?
Red: Sure.
Lenin: I knew it! I told them to stop having babies! Children are the enemies of progress!
Red: Why is that, Comrade Lenin?
Lenin: Socialism is a zero-sum game, comrade. The more there are people, the thinner slice of the cake everyone gets. That's why I never had children!
Red: I know. My domestic partner and I aborted every fetus we have conceived. I knew it was for the Greater Good, but I could never phrase it as beautifully as you just have.
Lenin: Just to think that those ugly, helpless, needy babies killed communism! Ruined my brilliant plan to build heaven on earth! There's one condition to living in heaven: you can't have babies. You've got to be sterile and immortal.
Red: Like your mummy?
Lenin: My mummy was a great role model for our youth! That's why it's got to be showcased on Red Square.

A faint smile touched the Great Philosopher's lips and disappeared in his reddish mustache. Then he he went on:

Lenin: I had a perfect housing solution. It was called peace to the shacks, war to the palaces. You know what a communal apartment is? It's a former palace that looks like a shack, filled with a dozen working families who all use one bathroom. We had a lot of palaces left over from the bourgeoisie, but the greedy capitalists had not built enough for everybody. My perfect solution worked only on condition of zero population growth.
Red: So Stalin was actually forced to decimate the population. That explains it.
Lenin: From what I hear, Stalin took it even further. He increased urban square footage by packing one half of the population in box cars and shipping them off to the tundra. Not a bad plan either. The resulting budget surplus was used to improve the living conditions for the rest, trough statuary projects and golden murals glorifying the Party's leaders. Beautiful proletarian art, really worth dying for. I'm known to be a connoisseur.
Red: Speaking of Stalin, when he died his body was also mummified and put in the Mausoleum. How did you feel about that at the time?
Lenin: What would you feel if they turned your private Mausoleum into a stinking communal apartment? For three years I had that ugly mummy lying right next to mine. I hope they found a good use for it now, like put it in charge of the Soviet entertainment industry or something.
Red: Nikita Khrushchev removed it and buried it in an individual grave.
Lenin: Khrushchev was an idiot. He released Stalin's political prisoners when prisons were the only solution to the housing problem.
Red: He also built a lot of housing projects. Of course, the apartments were so tiny that when the babushka was cooking nobody else could fit into the kitchen. In his defense, he put the fear of Marx in Western leaders when he promised to bury them.
Lenin: I've seen those fat-ass babushkas! They are the reason behind food shortages! I would have them all recycled for the Greater Good.
Red: Khrushchev also promised Communism by the year1980.
Lenin: There's nothing wrong with promises as long as they serve the Greater Good. We can always blame it on capitalist saboteurs later. I myself had lied that communism would happen in my lifetime. It was worth it. We've had a few good years. But I still can't believe those stupid babies killed my plan of achieving the Greater Good! I thought the Bolsheviks were supposed to promote free abortions for every woman!
Red: They did.
Lenin: And the stupid broads still had babies? Why would they do such a monstrous thing?
Lenin: Out of perverse selfishness, Comrade Lenin. Take America , for example. While our progressive women are selflessly sacrificing their fetuses for the Greater Good, there remain many breeders in need of re-education.
Lenin: Re-educate my ass, comrade! The Party has the means to control population growth besides abortion! Exterminate excessive population! Purge useless class elements like the industrialists, the kulaks, and the bourgeois intellectuals!
Red: About a hundred million of useless class elements in the USSR had been purged.
Lenin: Numbers don't matter as long as it's for the Greater Good. They should have kept killing until there was enough of everything left for everybody. Then we would've been ahead of the West economically and culturally.
Red: That's what the progressives in the West were hoping for.

An uncomfortable silence set in as we avoided each other's eyes, staring at the granite Mausoleum across Red Square. I tried to change the subject.

Red: Can you tell our readers about your personal life?
Lenin: I recently delivered a fiery speech at the Nudist Convention in the Palace of Congresses. But mostly my personal life is limited to political prostitutes inside the Politburo. Speaking of which, I really miss Trotsky!
Red: Is there anything you would like to say to the readers of the People's Cube?

Lenin stood up and extended his arm in a familiar gesture so dear to every working man's heart.

Lenin: Starving workers and peasants of America! The end of the dark era of capitalist oppression is near! Send us the money! Your sacrifice will be rewarded, I promise!

* * *


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See also Adventures of Lenin in 2005, Part I

 

 


 

Attention all loyal citizens of the Republic of Belarus!  Enemies of the state are operating against the proletariat leaders in Minsk: https://www.publiuspundit.com/?p=962

We must quickly rally the collective socialist masses against these imperialist agitators! Thankfully, the People's Police were able to arrest many of these American-sponsored agents. In the following weeks we'll gently interrogate these enemies of socialism and eliminate their imperialist hive.

 

 

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We can tell you privately on condition of absolute confidentiality and anonymity that Comrade Lenin is currently traveling in Belarus collecting information on the successes of building communism in this last Soviet stronghold of proletarian dictatorship. Judging by the link above, progress is being made every day as more enemies of the people are getting arrested. Remember, the fewer people remain at large, the bigger slice of the common cake each one will get. That alone is a good incentive to denounce counter-revolutionary neighbors and colleagues.

Have you denounced a neighbor today, comrade?

We'll publish Comrade Lenin's report once it becomes available.

 

 

HiloBill
Hilarious!

I've posted the pic of Lenin on my forum.

You MUST come see: https://www.TheFinalPhase.com ...you'll be glad you did.

Aloha,

HB

 

 

Guest
Hey, that's not Vladimir Lenin!  That's Ivan Lenin, da fatjah of de reveloushion!

 

 

MTTung
Ah yes, comrade Lenin is back! And so am I!

I was over at one of my favorite forums, http:www.asiawind.com - I was quite heartened to see that Dr. S.L.Lee and his comrades are great lovers of Mao thought!

Certainly, Deng Xiao Ping thought has served its own purposes - getting Western money, driving the seizure by my comrades of the means of production (hello GE, HP, IBM, Cisco, Apple, and friends!), lulling the stupid paper tigers to sleep! Excellent!

However, now, it is time to get back to our roots! I am still here!

M.T. Tung
= Power flows from the barrel of a gun

 

 

User avatar
Ah yes, comrade Lenin is back! And so am I!
sorry if i'm being rude, but who the F%#K is MTTung?!

 

 

MTTung
Someone asked who the F&!#! I am. Oh, perhaps you've heard of me somewhere along the line:

https://www.wsu.edu:8080/~wldciv/world_ ... 2/mao.html

M.T. Tung
= Power flows from the barrel of a gun

 

 

User avatar
Oh that guy. okay i didn't recognise the MT part. i thought it was some kind of rip off of the Star Wars MTT transport thing and someone defaced it with an "ung" at the end. I apologise , comrade for the rude tone.
-Comrade Betty
P.S. I said F%#K not F&!#!. there are specific distinctions between them. there must always be an equal number of symbols for the blanked out letters.

 

 

MTTung
So sorry Comrade Betty, to me, with 9547 Chinese characters bouncing around in my head, Roman Letters all start to look quite similar to each other, and as for the charcters one might use to denote foul language, well, I simply cannot keep them all straight! Although I have made a long march or two, you see, at my heart, I am a humble man. :-)

M.T. Tung
= Power flows from the barrel of a gun

 

 

User avatar
Yes, I understand, I too have made my share of mistakes (like leaving the "ni" out of "organism" on a few of my biology assignments).

 

 

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[html]Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end!

Yes Siree Vlad! And what a prophetic song it was too, about an old revolutionary hag who tries to recapture the feelings of the old glory days!

<embed src="/music/Thosewerethedaysmyfriend.mp3" width="400" height="100"></embed>

...Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me?

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days!

By the way, how many of you capitalist pigs realize that this 1968 hit sponsored by Paul McCartney was, in fact, a Russian song written by Boris Fomin in 1917, almost simultaneously with the Revolution?

Here's the story:

One evening in 1964 an American performing couple Gene and Francesca Raskin (Gene wrote the English lyrics for this song) were singing it in a club called the "Blue Lamp" in London when Beatle Paul McCartney was in the audience. He was quite taken by the song, but it didn't fit with what he was doing at the time with the Beatles. A couple of years later, Paul met a young Welsh singer named Mary Hopkin, who had won the British television talent show "Opportunity Knocks" (Mary was introduced to him by Twiggy, the fashion model). Paul signed up Mary for the Beatles' Apple Records, and, remembering "Those Were the Days", he thought the song would be perfect for her voice. She recorded it for the Beatle's Apple records, with Paul producing. It was one of the first four releases by Apple and also became one of Apple's biggest hits. The song reached No.2 on the American charts in fall 1968 and held the top position on the British charts for one week, edging out another of Apple's first four releases, "Hey Jude." It was the #7 song of the entire year for 1968.[/html]

 

 

User avatar
Lenin lives! Glory Glory Halle Berry! Glory Glory Halle Berry! HIS TRUTH GOES MARCHING ON! Can I have an extra ration card now? I think mine is broke... yes, today I went to Brooks Brothers to buy a decadent Western suit and they refused to accept my ration card... now I sit here, crying in my expensive crystal wine glasses without a new suit.... pity me and give me OPM!

 

 

User avatar
Finally! Who better to stump for Her Excellency, HRC, than the man himself, Comrade Lenin!

Let's face it! If Comrade Bill campaigns for her ... well,  let's not even go there! It's too awful to think about!

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

 

 

User avatar
Welcome back.  How is KGB Col Vladimir Putin treating you?

 

 


 

User avatar
Hmmm, so Comrade lennin's head was frozen like Walt Disney. Cryogenics can do wonders these days

 

 

User avatar
"Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press" . . . That is so glorious! I can hardly wait til we can say the same about our Great Leader!

 

 


 

User avatar
We just saw Disney on Ice.

He looked really good for being dead some 45 years.

 

 


 
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