The New York Times Predictor

 

Thanks People's Cube! You've just made my job a helluva lot easier. Now, I don't really have to think at all. Just a couple clicks and I'm done. Well, I'm off for my three-martini power lunch.

Cruisin' the yellow seas of journalism on the Battleship Potemkin,

Anonymous NYT Headline Writer
 

SMERSH. PREDICTS NEW ACTIONS IN 2007 FROM COMMUNISTS FOR CLINTON
 

VINCENT FOSTER FOUND ALIVE IN HILLARY'S BASEMENT , IRAQ STILL QUAGMIRE
 

This is much better. It assures uneducated can work for NY Times. Tool good for proletariat. Not just bourgeois, Ivy league types need apply. Thank you People's Cube, friend of the soviet people! (10 years in row, how possible?)
 

Didn't I already do this one in 2005?

Analysts: School Voucher Program Increases Third World Debt

US-made purple ink causes rash, fever: thousands of Iraqi voters hospitalized

CNN reporter struck by SUV while crossing Halliburton-built road in Kirkuk
 

Komrady - in honor of our most progressive leader and biggest village commune hyperbolist - Madam H.R. Cleenton (and student of A. Gore) the following proletariat horrifying headline is offered:

SUNLIGHT CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING -DAILY!!!!
 

Komradniks:
You are urged to remember -this most glorious of socialist-utopian inventions -the "NYTime 2006 Headline Predictator" - is to be used as an addition and not as a substitute to the greatest of the glorious socialist-utopian inventions (even greater than the internet!) - none other than the A. Gore "Media's Historical Revision and News-story Concoction Machine" -



Chief, Main Organ of the Great Comintern AgitProp Directorate
 

I nominate the NYTimes for the greatest award of all socialist-progressive utopia and reality-fiction writing:

"The Order of the Walter Duranty Bourgeois Baffling and Genocide Cover-up Medal"

(this effort can be funded via one of my many tax exempt socialists charity and political-activists' operations financing organizations)
 

FEMALE AMERICAN SOLDIERS ABUSE, INSULT MUSLIM INSURGENTS: WON'T WEAR VEILS, MENSTRUATE
 

Smersh!

Is that really you? The Cube's Prodigal Son?
My Tail is Wagging and not the Space Dog!
Welcome Home!


Laika
 

"Despite Drop in Crime, an Increase in Inmates"

Oh wait, I really wrote that one!


 

Bush Tax Cuts Linked to Increase in Hurricane Activity, Nature urges Wealth Re-Distribution.

New Study Proves Fox News can cause Impotence, Americans Asked to Watch More CNN.

No Child Left Behind Increases High School Graduations, Labor Unions Outraged.

Evolution Proven True, Missing Link Found in Clinton Family Tree.
 

Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: Strong Consumer Spending Can Lead to Brain Damage

Indeed so! People's Cube, you just brightened up my day! :-D

BTW - why does this picture in the header say "куб народов"? It's like "cube of peoples" or something. IMO it should say "народный куб"



============
Dear Comrade Alexei -

Indeed, the literal translation would be "народный куб" but since "people's" in the English language modifies many nouns that, taken together as an idiom, can't translate in a literal way, we decided that we should go with a non-literal translation that would sound grandiose enough to reflect its true meaning. The closest approximation would be "куб народной демократии" but that may be too long. In German the precedent was "Volkswagen," hence "Volkswuerfel." In the Mother Tongue, there was Stalin's "дом народов" - hence "куб народов".

- Red Square
 

The Fact Remains: Lack of Exit Strategy In Iraq Threatens Endangered Species
:-D :-D :-D

Finally, the truth is known to the people!
 

Gays and Lesbians: Prosperous Economy Can Lead to Brain Damage
Oh, come on! SO MUCH TRUTH in one day! It's killing me, I can't take it anymore.. :-D :-D
 

LAIKA; YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A LOYAL DOG. (WANT TO GO TO PLUTO ??)
 

NYT Business News; AARP's Belefonte to Endorse New Line of 48-Hour, Heavy Travel Depends, Secretly Field Tested by Jimmy Carter in North Korea.
 

Minority Groups: Underfunding Stem Cell Research Depletes Populations Of Penguins

No, not the penguins!
 

"Baghdad dilemma: not enough abortion clinics"

This is simply unfair, so much laughter was produced by this work of the 'people' that milk came out of my PINK nose...

Okay, while on the road today, being driven out of NYC to Princeton, NJ, our car viewed...

1. 'Kerry for President' bumper display cut off an older women and flip her off.

2. 'Friends don't let Friend's Vote Republican' bumper display drive into a toll booth, wrecking both car and booth.

3. 'War is not the Answer' bumper display tailgate some poor man, shooting, hand waving, horn honking, showing massive aggression and road rage.

I hate to stereotype, but I feel I am seeing a trend...

Are these DNC Liberal Nuts just plain upset, or were they nasty, ugly, pathetic to begin with?
 

Komradchik DisAgit #96!

Fie and double fie upon you! What you have witnessed are none other than main-organ members of the proletariat vanguard of the Soros and Dhimmicrat (commonly known by their fake name "Democrats") and secret legions who are engaged in the most important of all works - causing division and disorientation among the bourgeois masses.
It may seem that their activities are uncouth, uncivilized, hostile, etc., - but this is because you have obviously been brainwashed by American right-wing extremists (copyright- Peoples and Jihadi Hero of the Revolution - Chuck Schumer) - thought and fail to recognize these as the most talented and highly intelligent progressive revolutionaries leading the way to the true utopia of the 21st century's H.R.Clinton Global Peoples' Village (to begin in 2008).
For you - it's OFF TO RE-EDUCATION CENTER NAMED IN HONOR OF HARRY REID and ROBERT BYRD!!!
Gather 50 kilos of food and belongings and be waiting outside your flat at 0300 for pick up by Black Maria!!!
Failure to report at assigned time will result in your arrest and internal exile!

By order of Chief, North American Progressive Plans and Strategery and Agitation Propaganda and Civil Disobedience Directorate
 

Comrades! I note that in a recent Propaganda Department e-mail, this link was included:
http://googlefight.com/index.php?lang=e ... s+for+Bush
Surely, this shows the superiority of the Communist ideal over that of the filthy billionaires supporting the fascist pig Bushler! However, I note that the Party, in it's infinite wisdom, misspelled "billionaires" in the Googlefight search, thus skewing the results. The correct link is
http://googlefight.com/index.php?lang=e ... s+for+Bush
Happily, the glorious Communist ideal still triumphs against the real thing, which is of course better than triumphing over a clerical error.
 

There was no mistake. The party has never erred. Surely it was merely a malfunction on your part when you recieved the wrong link.
 

As a fellow member of the great proletarian horde, I'm somewhat upset at the insinuation that our propagandists twist language to achieve political ends. Further, it appears to me that such an insinuation is against party doctrine. Sure, the leaders of the people throughout the university system promote the belief that cultural meta-narratives are the road to political power, but it seems to me that such knowledge should only be promulgated through official channels.

Am I wrong about this?
 

Hollywood Celebrities: US Military Victory Can Be Prevented
Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: Eating Red Meat Linked to Domestic Violence
International Observers: Iraqi Occupation Breeds More Terrorists
Nobel Laureate: Rush Limbaugh Bad For Self Esteem
 

INCREASED HURRICANE ACTIVITY LINKED TO GLOBAL WARMING CAUSED BY FAULTY BODY ARMOR

Hey guys, the headline generator is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

TLA
The Dick List
http://dicklist.blogspot.com
 

"all the news that fit to print, and alot thats not"
 

NYT Banner Headline:

Increases In US Life Expectancy Means Fewer Resources for Africa
 

Hyper Economy Helps Rich, Hurts Poor- Bush: No Solution
 

[ extra-long irrelevant spamming text from www.lysanderspooner.org removed by Red Square ]
 

Super Steelers Stun Seattle Seahawks in Shocker 77 to 7. NEA Cries Foul, Both Should Have Won, Scoring Hurts Self Esteem.


Damn....the thing REALLY does work.

PP
 

STUDY: BUSH PRESIDENCY LINKED TO ED
Viagra Prescriptions Soar
 

Educators fear disease, don Trojan Hats
 

Automatic Bob Herbert

Now also behold "Automatic Bob" - the NY Times' Bob Herbert column generator (at http://www.BrainTerminal.com ):

... many of Herbert's columns during the Bush presidency contain similar, interchangeable passages ... that make it seem like your average Herbert column is just a random recombination of wording from earlier columns.

Given the paper's recent stock performance and rumblings from restless investors, I thought I'd help the Times find ways to put out the same product for less money. So I spent about fifteen minutes writing software that can generate Bob Herbert columns while using a minimal amount of our Earth's precious resources.

http://brain-terminal.com/posts/2006/05 ... ob-herbert
 

Al Franken: Democracy, Freedom Can Lead to Brain Damage

Muslim Women: Christmas Tree Must Be Stopped
 

Wow, I just found this. I love text generators.

Bush Critics: Celebrating Christmas Causes Birth Defects In Spotted Owls

CIA Whistleblower: US Constitution leads to decrease in Penguin Population, or something like that. Couldn't cut & paste.
 

 

It comes with the "Politburo" level membership, of which you, much less myself, cannot obtain to without having harvested the requisite number of potatoes.

The enlightening headline I got:

Nancy Pelosi: Christmas Tree Connected to Global Warming

I thought as much. I knew there was a reason I liked Kwanzaa better than Xmas, although Ho-Ho-Ho wears the right color.

EDIT: Did I say "obtain to"? Drat. That's what happens with a state-sponsored edumacation.
 

I thought this thread should be rehabilitated.
 

 

The Washington Post has outposted the NYT with this headline:







...no mention of whether he died in darkness.
 

I heard Trump pushed him off of a cliff in his wheelchair.