, the Department of Socialist State spokesprol Comrade Marie Harf announced that the USSA would be offering the Sunni Islamic State (SIS) $3 trillion in stimulus funds aimed at improving employment opportunities to young Muslim peasants.
The direct transfer of wealth to the SIS, also known as the ‘Caliphate,' is intended to create millions of new ‘Kalashnikov-ready' jobs for under-employed youths as a diversion program similar to those successfully used in Amerikan cities like Detriotabad and Chicagograd.
Comrade President Barack Barackovich Obama has consistently taught that what is good for domestic policy is good for international policy, and so this extension of successful and compassionate social services will bare much fruit in the Middle East, as our Bedouin brethren struggle with the ravages of Western imperialism and social inequality imposed by Christianity.
By bringing the unemployment rates in the SIS down to Amerikan levels, the Party knows that the number of economically-related beheadings in the region will likely decrease significantly.
Once SISsies find more productive and self-fulfilling occupations, peace will prevail upon the region and social equality will be achieved even in the face of Western aggression and discrimination.
Faithfully submitted to the Collective of the People's Cube,
Dialectical Progressivism Translator
Those people don't need jobs. They need only EBT cards, Obamaphones, and subsidized housing. Only then will they be truly happy in their lot in life.
Furthermore, this proposal is contrary to the Party's Kurrent Truth because these funds are not guaranteed to be allocated to union jobs - I demand card checks, public collective bargaining voting, and forced unionization of any and all entities that receive any of the Ongoing Unity and Realigning Caliphate Assistance for Success and Health, or OUR CASH, an appropriate name for this much-needed and sure-to-be-successful government program.
Dear Leader makes ISIS the 58th state...
they are already up to their eyeballs in ill-gotten petro-dollars, they would owe us retribution, and back taxes, no? They get the jobs that our undocumented visitors from the south would take because no Amerikkan wants to do them while unknowingly funding Obamacare and the EBT program, and sending everyone to community college to learn Videogame technique, Womyn's Studies, and Art History...
Free passage across our borders and inter-state reduces cost and processing time from our Border Patrol.
There is plenty more, but at the heart of this process we fundamentally transform Amerikka and get Sharia!
I am thinking Dear Leader (PBUH) is wiser than even we think he ought to be!
Discuss amongst yourselves, I am late for the 11:45 PM Jifffy-Lobo and won't be in until after bed-check...