COMRADES!!!!!! A SHOW TRIAL has been ordered to try the "Up to No Gouda Three" with crimes committed against the state that demand that People's Justice be Served!
The Inner Party has decided our own Beloved Colonel Fraulein Pulloskies will be presiding as Judge. The Party has also deemed fit to task me as Lead Prosecutor and Comrade Whoopie as Chief Defense Evidence Examiner to ensure the validity of all defense evidence submitted. The Party has also assigned Defense Counsel to these three, Comrade Reiuxcat as lead and Comrade Chedoh as co-counsel to ensure the Defendants will have expert legal counsel and advice during the trial, after all we are all Progressives and wish to make things fair and 'for the children'. The three are charged with Govt Cheese Hoarding, Mice abuse, Tearing "Do not Remove Labels" from pillows, Opening a Cheese Stand for Profit, and in the case of Groucho and Scratchy, Bad Beard Grooming.
Do the Defendants wish to address the court before we proceed?
I denounce Comrade Toorisky for being too risky. I realise this is such a facile denouncement, but I must use all tactics at my disposal when attempting to contrive a denouncement. I think he is in dire need of a facelife to give him a more progressive appearance. Think of the lovely Auntie Semitic.
I must also denounce Scratchasnith just because he just looks like he needs denouncing. His entire countenance screams, "Please denounce me." He looks like a cross between Charles Manson and our heroic comrade, Fidel. Thus, he may recklessly (though subliminally) cause the critically important "independent" voters to associate our hero, Fidel, with Charles Manson. On the other hand, expressing admiration for the works of Manson's minions doesn't seemed to have impeded Bernadine Dhorn's rise to the top in the circles of most-admired progressive leaders. Perhaps he should keep his unkempt appearance. Maybe some independents will think he's Einstein with his facial expression frozen at the moment he said (about Bob Barker) in his first-consonant-in-pronouns-dropping English, "e equals emcee squared."
I need to also warn each of these three defendants as well as their counsel of the futility of a successful defense of these denouncements and charges: Even after a glorious victory over such charges, it seems that the number, frequency and severity of denouncements and charges thereafter tend to increase exponentially. But, the good thing about that is, of course, that it provides more work for our most loyal constituency: Trial lawyers.
I was sympahtetic to the plight of defendants trying to feed children until reading of premeditateds and racialist crime of tearing of labels from pillows. Such acts must have punishing.
Politbureau must write sternly worded letter and express feelings. <spit>
I am here now and always awake and sober. And I see it is about time to break for breakfast before lunch break arrives. So where are all the guilty?? We need to get this moving along before I find out task to occupy my time!
I have no doubt that you will convict these three after a fair trial, but I do think you should at least try to keep your wig from being cockeyed. Who wants cockeyed justice?
Furthermore, I notice you're wearing one of those old-stlyle robes designed a long time ago when only menfolk were allowed to be judges -- the times to which the tea-partiers refer as the "good old days." I just thought I'd offer to lend you one of my robes if you're so inclined. That way, when counsel approach the bench, you won't draw the wrong conclusion about why they're not looking you in the eye as they speak.
On the other hand, if you want to be sure they're looking you in the eyes as they speak, . .
... Just saying.
Kagan Gourmet, my glorious, blackened robe, was willed to me by my dearly beloved, deceased Mr. Pulloskies and I will wear it with humble pride as he did, while (*%$#!)...... prosecuting the soon to be found guilty, after their fair trial (unless they can prove they are part of the New Black Panthers and then ALL charges will be dismissed).
My wiggery NO COCKED EYES.
Colone 7.62. as always you are so clearly clear!
As for the pillow thing, I've always had a beef with those pesky pillow tags myself... I'd never rip one off though... after all, it clearly say's not to...
I must sip of the beet vodka Comrade Rooster smuggled to my house via UPS and ponder these crimes...
If you are not guilty, you would not have been charged, the fact you are in this courtroom proves guilt beyond even a penumbra of guilt!
Against this evidence, there is no defense, guilty as charged, NEXT!
Of course you are not on trial, I was really trying to explain your expedited system of justice. You even make Joseph Stalin look inefficient!
The comment is a tribute to your justical efficiency, devotion to duty,
and Stakhanovite productivity!
There is nothing that promotes leftism in this graphic (other than that pre-Brady Bunch couch). I submit evidence of Scratchanitch's past mouse abuse!
(And If (If - Well, of course I mean When) these mice are found guilty, is it not within the power of the Peoples Court to order that My Office take possession of their video information devices for the Good Of My Peoples Living Collective?)
Does that mean that it may fall upon my narrow shoulders the task of defending these patently guilty defendants? Should KOOK-- the Outer Party misfit inside the Inner Party-- undertake this task? What of the fact that I've already pronounced them guilty? Well, that just means that my winning acquittals of all of them will merely add to my legendary skills as a lawyer. Not a bad idea-- Procure acquittals of obviously guilty defendants. Sounds very progressive to me. Just think of Hinkley being acquitted of his attempt to assassinate RayGun ("Reagan" for those outside Berkley). These three defendants seem just as crazy to me as did Hinkley, who I understand now is "living large" (according to the hated Fox News).
I shall politely wait a respectable time for the duly appointed defense counsel to appear. However, my patience is not infinite.
Part of my strategy would be, of course, to make sure that I, and each of the defendants always look only and directly into the wise eyes of Judge Pulloskies and not allow our focus to ever be elsewhere. I have no doubt that such tactic would immeasurably contribute to the chances of acquittal. (Now if Kagan were the judge, I have no doubt that it would benefit the clients for them to make sure she sees them looking where she invites their attention.)
I shall be watching.
I have only now discovered this show trial.
I have not only been accused, but already found guilty. Before even knowing I was accused.
Having been falsely accused in previous show trials in unconstitutional courts of no due process, I am no stranger to this process.
First- By WHAT AUTHORITY and under WHAT JURISDICTION am I accused?
Which Constitution is this kort proposing to operate under?
Huge portions of Kort Rules apparently have been suspended, including Service of Summons.
I know how to defend myself in this sort of kort. I have had to for 40 years, because I live in-
If you will look in the wormhole that just opened under your chair, you'll find it connects to the defense attorney's office. Specifically where the cheese is stored. Would you like some crackers?
If needed, I'll be in the line at bakery, the state released spring flour ration on Sunday...
Thank you for your kind offer although I am completely certain there will be no lack of character witnesses in this trial.
Also be advised that befriending one of us or offering to testify on our behalf could accidently cause you to be the benefactor of some rogue gunfire when our sentences are determined.
If I may approach the bench your most highest Honor?
Ahem... Your Honoress,
You are looking exceptionally lovely Fraulein. Now, if I may, I would like to personally vouch for all three of the defendants. I've been watching them for some time and they seem like good Comrades all. I'm sure this is just a minor...beep...beep...sorry your Honor, I have a priority transmission on my Red Sat. Phone...please hold on...
Have found new evidence. Here's the screen shot of their web page:
First, just a glance at Comrade Scratchasnitch makes it self-evident without the need of any expert psychiatric evidence that he is utterly insane. Just have him spend some time in the Gulag with me benefitting from the psychiatric counseling I regularly receive. I'll even lend him my straight-jacket. I think his appearance alone provides an air-tight insanity defense.
Second, I think Toorisky is equally entitled to the insanity defense as a matter of law for the same reasons I've already stated for Scratchasnitch. Likewise, I would recommend the same remedial treatment for him as recommended above for Scratchasnitch.
But Groucho Marxist is another matter. He is obviously NOT insane. I'll need more time to contrive a defense for him. Be back later.
Govt Cheese Hoarding, Mice abuse, Tearing "Do not Remove Labels" from pillows, Opening a Cheese Stand for Profit, and in the case of Groucho and Scratchy, Bad Beard Grooming.
I thought they ran up their OPM govt credit card!
Comrade Commadore Snoogie, can we skip the formalities and proceed directly to the sentencing. I have a couple of passes to Pup's Pleasure Palace I can share with you.
Oh thank you.
Thank you for the use of your razor Reiuxcat. I almost missed it in the cake you sent from your law firm.
I hear it's most painful when the hemp rope gets caught in one's beard.
And someone let me know when the poker game is tonight, I just happen to have received some spare cash to play with.
My you are looking lovely as usual! My, My who does your hair, no wait just let bask in your beauty for just a moment. Ah, oh where was I? Oh, yeah, opening statement. Judge Frau I need a little ruling from you before I use my opening statement. Seems some evidence has just been submitted by that Catty Defense Lawyer of theirs that may or may not be admissible in open court. I'd like to discuss and examine this new evidence in private in your chambers, and get your ruling on it. Just the two of us for say about an hour or so? Psssst....Put on the Barry Manilow record my little Germanic Schnitzelface.
Please disregard any wandering, peeping eyes you might run across... they will be removed before our session begins.
I AWAIT YOUR ARRIVING....
Not just moonshine, dear Colonel 7.62 but . . . . . . umm, but I digress. 'Get those palms shaved and get involved', as Michael Moore always says.
I am confused by the term "show trial". Whom has to show what? Is it like a peep show? Are there not venues available other than a court room?
Is it similar to all show you mine, if you show me yours? Were names drawn out of the hat or was it a random computer survey?
I have never been formally served, please serve me another vodka.
Tooorisky, I have tried to work with you before. If you don't know what a show trial is, review the Scooter Libbey transcripts. (While there is the slightest remote chance, and not because of anything I intend to do on your behalf, you could not be involved, you'll be asked so many questions over and over we know we'll catch you in a perjury.)
(drinkimg too mych too)
I'mmm . weary of judging... we neeeed a beeerdict. N'all yo peoeles neeeed to stoppp digressings!!
Do we have "court appointed lawyers", or volunteer Lawers?
Both groups speak with a forked tongue, one is paid, one is not.
The decision has already been made, why stand on formalities?
If you want me bad enough, you can get to me. The only question is how many of you I will take out in the process.This is not a threat, but a fact, Father Prog and I had a lively discussion on this same topic some time ago! I do not want to see anyone else hurt over this, except outsiders who volunteer to be on the arrest team. The good times roll when you enter the "fun zone".
Can we drink at the executions?
Comrade Buffoon, Oh ye of the sly boot. You know exactly what I was doing. I was merely following the new rules of kinetic engagement*. I was trying to help the Gouda Three and at the same time presenting my mouse jerky evidence to hang them. It's a total win-win for me either way.
*Dear Leader Obama's methods are often beyond the comprehension of mere mortals.
Are we ready to party yet?
My my Judge Fraulein Pulloskies, you certainly are looking fetching today.
Have I ever shared this with you?
Now that your court-appointed counsel are hard at work on your behalf (it's hard to make myself say that but it's my duty to the Collective) and I have been relegated to sitting in the front row of the portion of the courtroom reserved for the v.i.p. observers, I must lean forward past your counsel and whisper into your ear what no one else will hear (or see-- so the link immediately below is for your eyes only):
One more thing I forgot to add to my whisper. If you are truly Groucho Marxist, you already know "the secret word," which word I will-- in the inimitable style of our Fearless VP Joe Biden-- now whisper into your ear:
Thank you for your support and advice. However the second word I was unable to hear. See, I have this "Trick Ear" just like Jimmy Stewart in that great classic film, "It's a Wonderful Gulag". Can you slip me a note?
Now I need to draw attention to an ethical violation by one of your defense counsel:
Should things go badly for Scratchanitch in these proceedings, I am prepared to expose ALL to the world.
The accusing comrades and their colluders are hereby warned to abandon their false allegations against Scratchanitch-- OR ELSE I will publicly expose the dirty details and name names.
No comrade, either guilty or innocent will be spared.
Therefore, I introduce the vehicle by which these secrets will be published-
THE PEOPLE'S WIKI-
Good Stalin, what was in that wine that the Frau and I shared, and what are these feathers doing in places on my body that mother nature had deemed no feathers should ever go there? Though I must confess I seem to remember something about Barry Manilow and the hottest spot north of Havana having something to do with it.
Just a moment while I slug a few aspirins down and clear my head. Ahh, better,......oops I seem to have confessed a little about seeing Judge Frau on a little legal matter in her chambers, which speaking of confessions........................................
WHERE ARE THEY? Sheesh, you would think these three could at least blame Bush as the cause for straying away from the party line and starting a cheese biz? I mean after all they where smart enough to almost get away with it until the mice (literally) ratted em out, and they can't figure away to pin it on Faux news instead in their confessions to the court?
Oh and if your confessions are as good as some think you are capable of giving, ones that will bring a tear to the courts eyes, I will "take another for the team" and have another private chambers session with Judge Frau and maybe your sentencing won't involve making sure your organ donation cards are current.
always shouting in his posts.
It makes my head hurt.
TO THE LEGAL TEAM IN THE "UP TO NO GOUDA" SHOW TRIAL:
EXECUTIONS ARE NOW TO BE REFERRED TO AS:
"KINETIC CHROMOSOME DISPLACEMENTS"
Reiuxcat, my my what lovely kitty plates those are. I would be so honored to obtain some of just that quality, if perchance, you have an extra. (ship them to the same address as you did the vodka).
Upon considering of our profound duties of justice and fair equality (and my preponderance to headaches, which might have something to do with the cheap wine. Who sent me cheap wine?!) I think we should . . . .. . . um, what were we talking about? Well, whatever.
And please, STOP ALL THE SHOUTING.
And in due consideration of my esteemed time and the colossal, overabundance of evidence provided, I must find these 3 not guilty. There is nothing as 'not guilty' as comrades willing to risk all to further progress, lack of values. These are the sorts of crook, ne'er do wells and Progressive scandals that we need in the Cube.
A most wise and just decision!!!!!!!!!! Why just the cost of trying to rehabilitate them would have cost a fortune. They are sneaky, self centered, demanding and act like permanent spoiled brat 12 year olds who have hissy fits that the real world doesn't operate just to make them happy. In other words perfect progs!!!!!!!
JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED.........along with a few slices of smoked cheddar.
I wanted to show off what I learned at Van Jone's class this week.
I remember well having pled guilty and begged for mercy. My perpetual punishment has been wearing this straight-jacket and spending virtually all my time in the Gulag. Come to visit me when you have nothing better to do.
Commodore Snoogie, our 'little meeting' is to discuss the proceeding procedures. (wine is still behind the toaster where l you left it)
Shovel, I feel your pain. Well, OK, not really, I know the torture chamber was more 'interesting' than I would care to know about.. I was wanting to see a good execution as well, but I am sure a guilty reichwinger will pass through here, sooner or later. Hang on to those bullets!
Yes, Kook, we are heard your begging, throughout the gulag for, what was it, 6.. 7 days? (oh, the screaming. sooo annoying)