Let's Call Them Tea-baggers and Save the Empire!

The Boston Tea Party of 1773... The decisive action of Massachusetts Governor Thomas Hutchinson stops the anti-government protesters on their tracks. Unable to endure the "tea-bagger" label, "Sons of Liberty" lower their heads in shame and choose taxation without representation as the lesser evil.
 

 

 

Wouldn't you know it? A pickup driving tea bagger ruined the moment.
Only in America.
Where's my drool bucket anyway? Harumpf harumpf harumpf
 

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Collective calm is needed here Comrades. What happened in Massachusetts has got nothing to do with taxation without representation. Somehow an entire State lost any and all connection to reality. I'm thinking they thought it was 1773 not 2010. Maybe our Comrade Colonel can shed some light on this?

You've got some "splaining" to do Marcia!


 

Clearly the loss was all Bush's Fault, as Ted Kennedy inherited a lack of National Healthcare Reform from the Bush Dumb-ministration, and the Good Progressive citizen's of 'Massachusettes' were so Enraged at Bush, that their eyes were crossed and the check-box for Brown got in the way. ("Brown" clearly being a RAAAACCCISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTT name for a "cracker-ass-honkey"; no doubt this Butt-bandit Teabagger is attempting to steal Obama's glorious African heritage for himself- which is only a small step away from plantaion Ownership.)

Whoever was in charge of 'servicing' the Diebold machines clearly crossed a few wires in the wrong circuit- obviously there should have been no option besides Coakley. I suggest the guilty party be marched naked, bound, and gagged to the center of town, given 40 whacks from a shovel, then shot. Then decapitated, hung, burned in effigy, burned for real, and fed to a lion. Anything left should be thrown in the Gulag.
 

It's true Comrade Grigori. Strange things have been happening in the Space Time Continuum. It as if there is an evil, libertarian alter ego of myself out there in another universe fighting and struggling. Perhaps he even wears a stylish van dyke beard. At any rate, Massachusetts wound up in the middle of a vast temporal disturbance. When it finally ended, Brown was Senator, and the Red Sox were replaced by Mohawk Indians. I can only speculate what happened on the other end of the continuum.
 

This whole thing is a fluke. The country is still with us. We will ram health care through. You wait. It's nothing.


 

I tremble in my government provided bloomers, we see what happened in Massachusetts. I think a bagger, invaded her camp with intentions of sabotage! Either that, or she attended a government re-education camp skool?

"Paid for by Massachusettes Democratic Party and Authorized by Martha Coakley for Senate. Approved by Martha Coakley."


In any case, comrades, follow the lead of our great Obamski and call these teabaggers itty bitty names - most frustrating for the enemy.
 

Marcia Coakley?
Never heard of her.
 

Back to Comrade Red Square's original point: the labelling of the ancient Rethuglicans as "teabaggers" may not have worked in 1773 as the backward colonists had no experts or educated class to condescend and peer down their noses haughtily at them. Today, we have many of these super-smart people to propagate the "teabag" line of reasoning. They intimidate our opponents by clarifying the issues by means of their profound thinking. What's more, they are independent thinkers who know their own minds. The masses listen to them because of their wisdom. I'm talking about David Brooks, Al Gore, Maureen Dowd, Chris Matthews, Larry Summers, Tim Geithner, Paul Krugman, and the multitude of others who labor to make our stupid lives better by freeing us from the evils of AGW, terrorism, sound money, etc.

These are the people who will promote our agenda and rebuff the teabaggers!
 

Comrades,

I have been losing sleep. It started Tuesday night. I went to bed feeling a little down, but knew that Dear Leader would work it all out. During the night I had a fitful sleep as I dreamed much. The dreams were odd and unnerving. They consisted of me trying to dodge tea bags that were dropping from the sky like rain. I awoke in a puddle of sweat screaming. As I tried to catch my breath, I began to ask myself; if they are teabaggers, then who are the teabaggees?

Each night this week has been worse and today I read this:

- http://airamerica.com/

How can this be? We know that progressive radio is not at the mercy of capitalism. NPR has stood its ground for decades and thrives giving a equal point of view.

Please inform me of the nearest Jiffy-Lobo as I feel I need to calm my nerves. I am new to the party and would like some assistance.
 

 

Fire! Damn you! Fire! Silence those Tea-Bagg'n Bastards! [center][/center]
 

 

Thank you Commissar,

I have begun to feel better. The staff at Jiffy-Lobo were awesomely inattentive. It was much like a trip to the DMV. I waited for at least 2 hours before I actually spoke to someone. She told me that I had gotten in the wrong line. I assume that the procedure went smoothly. By the way, what are consequences?

Dr. uh Chicago
 

 

Dr. Chicago,

Actually, if you are from Chicago, you won't need as many Jiffi Lobos as the rest of us. You understand the I grease your palm, you grease my palm, I'll buy a piece of property at $600,000, and then sell it to you at $100,000, and then see, it's like I've given you $500,000 as payment for a favor, but no one is the wiser. You know, like the deal Dear Leader made with Tony Rezko before he became Dear Leader?

Of course, we have our glorious system, but there are always ways of becoming a little more equal than others.

I've given Comrade Theocritus fruit medley earrings for Bruno in exchange for, in exchange for, what!! Oh, yes, that was during my show trial. It was to spare me from being impaled.
 

 

Yes, yes, we've all read in our Party-Approved history books this story of how name-calling triumphed back in 1773, but what is going on right now? I don't understand, why aren't the tea-baggers crying and begging for mercy? I would have thought would have driven them all back single-handedly.I mean, whenever anyone calls ME names I usually burst into tears and whine to the Attorney General .

Although the last few surviving brain cells in my higher thought regions are all handicapped from Jiffi-Lobo and therefore on permanent disability, I managed to put them to work enough to figure out that the Tea-baggers resistance to potty-mouth attacks comes from an insufficient use of the Jiffi-Lobo itself.

You see, the Jiffi-Lobo has been almost perfectly designed to destroy the entire pre-frontal cortex, where logic and planning occur, while leaving the emotional centers in the middle of the brain entirely intact. Thus the Prog, thinks entirely with her or its emotional brain, leading to Party-Approved shallow thought patterns. These tea-baggers are still thinking with their unfortunately intact forebrains, giving them a defense against verbal weaponry.

So we must LEGISLATE!!! We must make Jiffi-Lobos mandatory for all newborns. This will ensure that everyone feels an equal amount of unchecked emotion to give them an internal compass to align with the Party Compass.

Also, Commissar Theocritus, I have a suggestion for an accessory part for your Jiffi-Lobo:


It's called the Jiffi-Disarm[sup]TM[/sup] and while the main section of the Jiffi-Lobo is uncluttering the forebrain, this handy part is inserted into the spinal cord to cut the nerves that control the trigger-fingers on both hands. This is simply a back-up, precautionary procedure that renders the subject incapable of using a gun. After all, a prog really only needs four working fingers to hold a shovel...
 

 

Damkitt yourfe rigght. Umfortumately, I wenmt ajead and triied itt om mnyself alfready and am haeving trrouble typingg mnow. Neefd ghovvernmemt helpp..,.
 

Also, PDC, what about nose picking? As a Made Prog one of my index fingers is always up my nose, unless I'm engaging in autoencephaloproctology, or shoving my head up my ass. I think that I'd have to be Bonnie Fwank to pick my nose while I had my head up my ass. I must remember to ask Bonnie how he does it when he's next at the Rancho.
 

Whew much better. To fix things, I simply snagged some "bailout" funds from the taxpayers in order to hire a staff to type my thoughts for me. 1 staff member to listen to me, 1 to listen to the first and type, 1 to spell check, 1 to fact check, 1 to get me coffee, 1 to get the staff coffee, 1 to caddy for me on the golf course, 1 to be in charge of the staff, and 8 young attractive interns to.....to um....uhhhhhhh......assist? Yes, that's it. In fact, I felt so smug for creating 16(thousand) jobs that I decided I was entitled allocate some of the bailout money into my offshore phantom district. Vacation in Hawaii soon for this overworked czar! It's for the Children.

But back to the matter at hand. Theocritus you are correct: the risk of losing the use of the middle finger is not worth it. This risk is obviously magnified since the staff performing the Jiffi-Disarm will probably not have the use of their trigger fingers either. I also realized that the loss of index finger motility would disallow finger pointing, which is the most essential use of the hand, followed in importance by the ability to effectively grab money out of others' pockets and to make a fist. Proper fisting could not occur with the index finger flopping limply around.

Dammit. This is what I get for trying to come up with ideas myself. From now on, I'll just stick to stealing others' ideas and claiming them for my own. Now I'm temporarily stuck with two floppy trigger fingers because I feel too guilty about testing on animals. Can't stay this way too long, though, since I'M supposed to have and use guns while the proles can't. I'm going to crack open a few fetuses and drink their rejuvenating, deparalyzing juice.

They're chilling in my ice chest now; I'll wait till the mountains turn blue.
 

 

PDC, you are entirely too modest. What you have done for employment is wonderful. How many interns? Are they interns with benefits? Inquiring minds want to know. Inquiring minds are the only people who want to know. Ask John Edwards, who would have been safe had Katic Couric been in charge of anything other than her ass.

I so hope that my dear comrade friends can get good use of interns. I will cast an envious eye toward you, thinking of the joys that you are having, as I listen to Bruno rehearse. But do not worry for me--after the third time that the doctors stitched up my wrists after Bruno hit a high note, I learned that it's just not worth it.

Do not despair of your first few ideas. I cannot tell you the number of perfect final solutions that I have had--I'm a made prog, you know--and they just didn't pan out. In fact there are times that I do wonder at my own brilliance.

For example, if you spend more money than you have, then you have a problem. Isn't that right? It seems right to me.

ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Jiffy-Lobo!