Comrade Whoopie still waiting patiently by his mailbox for a check from Obama's personal stash.
Washington D.C. - AP (Associated Potatoes)
Dateline March 31, 2020 - President Recurrent B. Hussein Obama today issued a statement concerning former "tea party" criminals' announcement yesterday from federal gulag that he STILL isn't eligible to be president no matter how many millions of Renminbi (人民币) he spends hiding the truth. The President And Supreme Dear Leader stated, for the record, that he was actually born in both Hawaii AND Connecticut, and that the persistent rumors about the former nation of Kenya - now a USSA national shrine - being his birthplace are nonsensical and absurd.
"The Tea Party (sic) has known for over 10 years that Obama's an imposter", said an anonymous tea bagger via laikaPhone® from the USSA federal gulag at Tripoli, in the former nation of Libya. "He keeps spending more and more SorosDollars™ (approximately 1500 人民币) to hide it, but we aren't fooled!"
Immediately following the televised execution of the anonymous tea bagger, a short but brief celebratory salad ceremony was held by official WonderWomanInChief™ Michelle Obama in the Rose Garden.
One billionth ObamaCare waiver served!
The nation's first hi-speed rail project from Fresno to Oakland California ("The Train from Nowhere to No-There") first approved in 2011, is scheduled to break ground next month after the last of the 3 million lawsuits delaying it was dismissed recently. The project is now 500 billion dollars over its original 100 million dollar budget.
GM declared bankruptcy for the fifth time yesterday. As part of the government-negotiated reorganization, GM will now produce only one product, the Chevy Volt, and to help deal with the company's crippling retiree health-care costs, each American household will now be required to care for one retired UAW worker in their homes.
The entire state of California lost electric power yesterday when a large number of its billion or so windmills broke loose from their towers and crashed into a large number of its billion or so solar panels. Residents can expect power to be restored... well, they shouldn't expect it to be restored.
Prince Charles of England stated that the Climate Change crisis has reached a very very very very very very very dangerous stage after Britain's third consecutive week of sunny, 72 degree weather. "Don't you see", warned the prince, "that one of the main effects of Climate Change is a lack of change in the climate?"
Now out of subject matter for his genre of films, Michael Moore takes on the last remaining capitalist ... George Soros. Realizing the potential crisis he has created for the international progressive movement, Michael quickly ate Mr. Soros.
Sandy "burglar" Berger Strikes Again
Sandy Bergler, ex-National Security Advisor from 1997-2001 under "Slick Willie" Klinton #42, was caught red-faced and red-handed with over 1000 stolen emails from the Climate Research Unit of the University of East Anglia stuffed down his pants. The discovery happened when Mr. Bergler was attending a rage party at ex-Congressperson/Gender Chameleon Barney Frank's Transvestite Brothel and Discount Shoe store. Mzz Frank asked Mr. Bergler if the "bulge" in his pants were classified documents from the National Archives, or 'if he was just happy to see them [Mzz Frank]'.
While irradiated ruins of Paris and Berlin remain quarantined EU leaders have come together in Brussels to discuss constructive dialog with the Muslim world:
"I think it's quite clear - said one of the Union commissars - that we have no one to blame but ourselves. Had we put a little more effort into accommodating our partners in the Middle East those peace-loving freedom fighters would have never nuked our cities".
"Israel is to blame. - said another - I have no doubt about it".