America Last

My guest on this show was Abdul Mendel, member of a of a progressive organization called America Last League. Abdul Mendel is not his real name. He chose it in the 1960, in his words, to avoid the draft, the FBI, the KGB, the Mossad, and the PLO, all at the same time. He didn't mention avoiding the Martians, so we'll assume they weren't his biggest concern at the time. Mr. Mendel was introduced to me as maybe the only member of America Last League who would not be paranoid enough to speak with a mainstream journalist like myself and not call me a corporate sellout five times in three sentences.


Buck: What is America Last League and who are its members?

Mendel: Why?

Buck: Well, I thought that since you agreed to be interviewed...

Mendel: Cut the crap. Who needs to know?

Buck: Our listeners. They tune in to my show hoping to expand intellectual horizons and learn about the diversity of independent progressive individuals and movements such as America Last.

Mendel: You bet. We're the only independent progressive organization left in America. All the rest have been long ago swallowed by MoveOn.org, ANSWER, and other political behemoths that turn their members into zombies obedient to their Kremlin masters. Did you know that their tin hats are all tuned to the same frequency as that of Dan Rather? Not mine.

Buck: Are you actually wearing a tin hat? Right now?

Mendel: You want to hear my personal views, don't you? Not some ideological regurgitation transmitted to me from that rooftop over there? So shut up and mind your own business. All your guests should be wearing tin hats if you ask me.

Buck: Tell us about America Last League, Abdul.

Mendel: What do you want to know? I go there every Friday night. We take over a Starbucks on the Upper West Side. Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners.

Buck: These are the moderates?

Mendel: Yes, the moderates. Sometimes they sound just like right-wingers. But the less easygoing ones want to abrogate the Louisiana Purchase and return most of the Deep South and Midwest to France. Both argue against the most zealous of our group, who want to retreat not merely from America including the thirteen colonies but from anyplace on the planet south of the Arctic Circle and apologize to the world for our post Ice Age imperial ventures.

Buck: And how do you see that translated into practice?

Mendel: We eat process cheese and drink cheap California wine.

Buck: Oh my. Does it ever get boring?

Mendel: Boring? Hell no! There is a new facedown in our movement, a violent internal revolt! A small faction claim they have irrefutable proof that we are not from this planet, our ancestors came here from a moon of Saturn, that the entire Earth is cache-pot land we must honorably leave to the resident Neanderthals. They aren't just talkers; they have commanded our Starbuck funds to North Korean military-industrial complex, to build a rocket ship that would send the entire human race back to the environs of Saturn.

Buck: Saturn... Isn't it cold out there?

Mendel: It is. It's a very cold but honorable future.

Buck: So when should the human race expect the delivery of the rocket ship?

Mendel: Huh? The rocket ship? It's here already, large enough to transport six billion emigrants to the moons of Saturn. The problem is that last week an even more zealous group discovered that these almost unknown Saturnian ancestors were themselves aeons ago invaders of our solar system; they had come like alien hordes from the Arcturus constellation south of the Pleiades. So we are talking to North Korea rocket builders again, asking for some modifications.

Buck: Who funds all this?

Mendel: A North Korean rocket builder earns an equivalent of three 16-ounce Starbucks grandes a month. We can afford that. Most of us work for Welfare, colleges, disability offices, therapist joints, correctional facilities, or public schools and get lots of honest dollars. The problem is that the North Koreans now refuse to talk to us. They think we are crazy. They're are afraid we are infected by some novel lunacy and our raging madness might be contagious.

Buck: So what's next?

Mendel: Well, we have recently had a visit from a professor who asserted that all life, even in its viral and bacterial form, is a virulent disease that occupies a pellucid and impeccable dead universe beloved by the gods. We need, he said, to destroy all life in the cosmos, then explode any sign of design or law whatever in time and space to return Creation to its perfect condition of lifelessness and lack of any consciousness whatsoever.

Buck: Awesome. How would that translate into practice?

Mendel: We poisoned his coffee with strychnine. We started the universal destruction with dispatching him. That's all anybody listening to NPR needs to know about our group.

Buck: Thank you for this very informative discussion. I think I'm going to have a new cup of coffee. This one is, uhm, cold.
 

How intelligent! I wish I could um... uhhh... what was I going to do...?
 

 

Oh, okay... wait, what...?
 

Three prisoners in a Kruschev era gulag get to talking about why they are there.

“I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage,” says the first.

“I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying,” says the second.

“I am here because I got to work on time every day,” says the third, “and they charged me with owning a Swiss-made watch.”
 

Citihen! Thisth isth noth tha ffff-Ronny-eee thhhh-Raygun-th ffff-comethy ffff-hour!

Ура, товарищи!-fffff