Dr. Leonid Fuku is an official delegate of the USSA
Bureau of Healthcare Reform, and future commander
of the United Health Care System of the Americas.

"Clearly, the future is with United Global Front for
Healthcare, administered through a centralized
offshore office. It will solve all medical issues
for all the world's citizens. I, Health Kommissar
Leonid Fuku, am willing to address all things medical.
Ask your questions, but clearly state your Party
standing and location, or answers will not be

~ Doctor Fuku[/floatleft-nb]

Kommissar of Health answers:

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Dear Comrades,

Summer is upon us! Have you signed your children up for the Special Purpose Camp of your choice? Remember, physical exams are mandatory, available and free to all children already assigned to a camp. Otherwise, we are unable to provide physical exams without a 6 month delay. Remember, SIGN YOUR CHILDREN UP TODAY OR RISK MISSING OUT!



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Do not underestimate the damaging psychological effects of hiding secrets! We all have them, and it is best to "get them off our chests." Anyone reporting secrets of value will be awarded psychological health points which will decrease the likelihood of requiring re-education or commitment to an asylum.

Send your reports to the "United Global Front for Healthcare." No further address or postage required.



Comrade Onanymsky
Respected Kommissar,

I'm deeply disturbed by some medical commercials we see on TV. As my wife and I enjoy an occasional quiet evening meal with caviar and vodka, or share a bowl of vareniki with an occasional comrade, what do we see and hear on American television? Fungi toenails, herpes, Preparation Che for hemorrhoids, rinse for bad breath, and cream for smelly vaginas. Why didn't we have such medical commercials back in the Soviet Union? Because our socialist medicine effectively cured everything! Nobody in the Soviet Union had herpes, fungi toenails, bad breath, and smelly vaginas. Nobody had allergies! All sickly appendages were being promptly amputated, and old people didn't stay around long enough to burden the People's State with costly maintenance. We were a young, happy nation of healthy soldiers and portly nurses!

Not only the Yankee capitalists did us in - they're now adding insult to injury by ruining our remaining days by instilling in our brains mental images of Preparation Che and Monistat applications. I have lost sleep and appetite! I see only three ways out of this -

(a) outlaw all medical commercials;
(b) confine all scoundrels with above conditions to mandatory treatment at guarded medical facilities, and
(c) send me some good capitalist medicine that will help me stop visualizing fungi toenails and smelly vaginas.

Comrade Onanymsky,
Former Chief of Propaganda Directorate
Politburo Member since 1948
proud recipient of Medicaid, Medicare,
SSI, Section 8, and food stamps

Comrade Onanymsky,

You have poked your nose into quite a smelly and dangerous Pandora's box (so to speak)! Indeed, your intellect has helped you define the problem, but not the cause. Of course, you did not have the benefit of taking my course, "Dollars for Dialysis: Capitalism and the End of Healthcare." Let us begin:

William Masters (of Masters and Johnson) wanted to conduct research that would lead to the downfall of proper morals, and result in capitalistic gain for himself. In 1957, he hired a young prostitute, Virgina Johnson, as a research assistant. He created the concept of male impotence, as well as female “orgasmic inadequacy,” and in addition invented several new “female problems” which centered on olfaction of private parts.

Simultaneously, Robert Wood Johnson, of Johnson and Johnson infamy, who was whelped by the same mother as Virginia Johnson (a secret few know but I) was developing a line of “feminine hygiene products” to sell to the gullible masses. While these products would seem to improve “private part aesthetics and olfactory emissions,” Johnson knew better. These products would alter the natural environment of the private area, requiring application of further foul potions, and a lifetime dependence on all variety of liquids, creams and appliances! More money for the perverted enemies of the State and all things immoral! Of course, penile enhancing creams, salves, potions and pills soon followed, as did magical fungicides and the like.

So, dear comrade, you are correct. These illnesses were invented by capitalists for monetary gain. These curatives are nothing more than placebos for the masses, gobbled down willingly. That you are offended by these events is only natural! You must have been quite beloved at the Propaganda Directorate!

Comrade Fuku



[html]Dr. Fuku:

Your concurrence with my assessment of the Veterans Administation (a lean, mean, health-care machine, indeed) has inspired me to devote my today's column http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/08/opini ... gman.html? to further explorations of how free markets are antithetical to proper health care.

Specifically, I have focused my laser-sharp mind on the problem...no, the epidemic, of obesity.

Or, in my own words:

"It is more important, however, to emphasize that there are situations in which "free to choose" is all wrong - and that this is one of them."

Of course, "free to choose" is almost always wrong -- from both utility and moral perspectives, as I am sure you will agree. But in this case, consider the issues:

A) People get fat through no fault of their own, and...

B) Being fat is very unhealthy, and...

C) Taxes are not high enough.

And now, I will unleash my brilliance:

D) Tax everyone so that the government can provide for fat people!

It's all in my column, except for the details of how exactly the government will actually use these tax dollars to help fat people. For that, I turn to you, Dr. Fuku. Remember, I am an economist, not a physician.

But I must emphasize (to quote my today's column again) that "the history of government interventions is one of consistent, life-enhancing success."

Dizzy with success!!


Dr. Paul Krugman, Ph.D

Dear Paul,

I am one step ahead of you! The following points from your article are not lost on me:

#1. One answer is to focus on the financial costs of obesity, and the fact that many of these costs fall on taxpayers and on the general insurance-buying public, rather than on the obese individuals themselves.

#2. It is more important, however, to emphasize that there are situations in which "free to choose" is all wrong - and that this is one of them.

#3. And even if children weren't a big part of the problem, only a blind ideologue or an economist could argue with a straight face that Americans were rationally deciding to become obese.

I have clarified your points in the same order. Clearly, you are saying that:

#1. The Government owns fat people since we, the People, plan to complete and fund the Global Front for Healthcare, from which the fat people will siphon funds.

#2. Therefore, these fatties, who have decided to reject the collective and become massive orbs of individualism, should <i>not be allowed to choose</i> to eat more than their share.

#3. These fatties are all irrational and need their decisions to be made for them by the Global Front for Healthcare.

As you know in your heart, this leads us to a conclusion that we have come to before, my comrade!

We are developing Special Use Fat Camps for all individuals with Body Mass Indices which are beyond the Peoples' normative values. These camps will be voluntary in that fatties will not be forcibly removed from their dwellings as long as they voluntarily report to a camp of their choice.

Once at the camps, they will be given limited bread and water rations which will inevitably lead to a healthier physique. In addition, they will learn new trades, and will take part in evaluation sessions which will correct the mental aberrancies which led to their disgusting habitudes in the first place.

My dear Paul,

You can count on us!





A Scared Housewife
Dear Paul,

I just got a $1,000 dollar bonus at work for working late every night and coming in early every morning. I was going to spend the money on a dress for my daughter, a grill for my husband and then keep a little bit for a rainy day, but now I am confused. From what you say, the econonomy is in a quagmire (what does that mean -- it sounds bad), and the rich stopped paying taxes. Does that mean I should give my money to the government? I don't want to end up with those big deficits that end up making our economy worse (what comes after quagmire -- I am afraid to ask). Also, if I am doing ok, how does the quagmire affect me? Does it sneak up like a cancer or is it there and I just can't see it? I never went to college, so I have a hard time with this.

Sally Croquemonsieur
Baton Rouge, LA