I have been diagnosed with "unstable angina" by my doctors. I was told I need an octuple bypass or I will suffer crippling heart problems. I called my HMO and they told me that I was eligible for surgery with only one Doctor in my area, and he is on vacation. What should I do?
Congratulations on your application for party membership. You are about to embark on a new and exciting phase in your life. Please feel free to write again once your party membership is approved! Again, congratulations!
I have been suffering from a recurrent ingrown toenail for several years. I have been unable to suitably correct the problem, and my regional health official is at a loss. What should I do?
Dear comrade in good standing,
How you have suffered! How could they NOT provide you with a long-lasting solution? I will PERSONALLY fill out form Z-334 on your behalf and contact your regional healthcare coordinator. I will expect an immediate response and a solution to your grave issue forthwith! Please give my regards to Senator Boxer when you have a chance.
I'm one of Dr. P's graduate assistants (in good standing), residing in the progressive, campus town of Boulder, Co. It's way too close to South Park for my tastes, but that's another story.
Here's my health issue: Ever since Dr. P left for France to attend to his precious vineyards, I've been unable to lay down the mad, dope science like I used to. The "D" seems to have been excised from "Def" and the "F" expropriated from "Fly". I no longer feel like "a straight-up 'G' hustler." I think I'm suffering from that unmentionable condition known as writer's bloc (and yes, I left out the "k" on purpose in deference to the former Soviet Bloc). What can I do?
When I was drinkin' Dr. P's "Propaganda" wine, I could "kick it" like there was no tomorrow. No joke, homey. But now, I'm all out of "Propaganda". That shit is freakin' addictive.
Well, Dr. P is expecting a finished "album", as people of his age like to say, by the time he returns to Boulder for the Fall Semester. PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE RHYME AGAIN!
Word to the Muthaland...
You must learn to use the force of the collective. Look around you and feel the collective as it runs in all things. Propaganda flows from within like a natural fluid stream. Although you believe Palimpsest was the source of your stream, he was really only streaming upon you. While you certainly enjoyed bathing in his stream (who wouldn't), your own fine work was not a perquisite of his mental fluid. That was all Jihad E!
Palimpsest has left you for a reason. You are ready to achieve greatness. If my suggestion does not work, I have some delectable injectibles to boost your output. After all, we can't have one of our most productive young comrades missing a quota!
Do you have any advice on how to undo the effects of using an entire box of Viagra in half an hour?
Impotence is an illusion created by Masters and Johnson (see below). Your precious "viagra" is nothing more than harmless talc compressed into pill form.
The rhymes are comin' to me like ships through the Panama Canal.
Word to the Mullahland.
I'm deeply disturbed by some medical commercials we see on TV. As my wife and I enjoy an occasional quiet evening meal with caviar and vodka, or share a bowl of vareniki with an occasional comrade, what do we see and hear on American television? Fungi toenails, herpes, Preparation Che for hemorrhoids, rinse for bad breath, and cream for smelly vaginas. Why didn't we have such medical commercials back in the Soviet Union? Because our socialist medicine effectively cured everything! Nobody in the Soviet Union had herpes, fungi toenails, bad breath, and smelly vaginas. Nobody had allergies! All sickly appendages were being promptly amputated, and old people didn't stay around long enough to burden the People's State with costly maintenance. We were a young, happy nation of healthy soldiers and portly nurses!
Not only the Yankee capitalists did us in - they're now adding insult to injury by ruining our remaining days by instilling in our brains mental images of Preparation Che and Monistat applications. I have lost sleep and appetite! I see only three ways out of this -
(a) outlaw all medical commercials;
(b) confine all scoundrels with above conditions to mandatory treatment at guarded medical facilities, and
(c) send me some good capitalist medicine that will help me stop visualizing fungi toenails and smelly vaginas.
Former Chief of Propaganda Directorate
Politburo Member since 1948
proud recipient of Medicaid, Medicare,
SSI, Section 8, and food stamps
You have poked your nose into quite a smelly and dangerous Pandora's box (so to speak)! Indeed, your intellect has helped you define the problem, but not the cause. Of course, you did not have the benefit of taking my course, "Dollars for Dialysis: Capitalism and the End of Healthcare." Let us begin:
William Masters (of Masters and Johnson) wanted to conduct research that would lead to the downfall of proper morals, and result in capitalistic gain for himself. In 1957, he hired a young prostitute, Virgina Johnson, as a research assistant. He created the concept of male impotence, as well as female “orgasmic inadequacy,” and in addition invented several new “female problems” which centered on olfaction of private parts.
Simultaneously, Robert Wood Johnson, of Johnson and Johnson infamy, who was whelped by the same mother as Virginia Johnson (a secret few know but I) was developing a line of “feminine hygiene products” to sell to the gullible masses. While these products would seem to improve “private part aesthetics and olfactory emissions,” Johnson knew better. These products would alter the natural environment of the private area, requiring application of further foul potions, and a lifetime dependence on all variety of liquids, creams and appliances! More money for the perverted enemies of the State and all things immoral! Of course, penile enhancing creams, salves, potions and pills soon followed, as did magical fungicides and the like.
So, dear comrade, you are correct. These illnesses were invented by capitalists for monetary gain. These curatives are nothing more than placebos for the masses, gobbled down willingly. That you are offended by these events is only natural! You must have been quite beloved at the Propaganda Directorate!
What programs do you have to address the FACT that only People of Color (and lesbians, who in fact are also People of Color) get ill? Our oppressors (the White Christians, Republicans, and Zionist Dogs) lead long lives, while The People, still in shackles, suffer. Please share your vision, your answer, with us.
I live in New York City, in Brooklyn, and have only recently joined The Party.
Smash the fascist state!!
I will rephrase your question. Rather than asking why the oppressed are ill, one must ask, "why are the oppressors so abnormally healthy?"
The answer lies in the capitalist enclaves known as "Private Medical Offices." While the innocent among us work for the common good and obtain our healthcare at State sanctioned facilities, the wealthy "jump the line" to partake of all things health related TO EXCESS! They subscribe to a debased "cult of health" at the expense of all properly-minded members of the collective! As soon as the HINT of an infection occurs, they run to their PRIVATE FACILITIES for a quick fix of antibiotics! They have not the decency to wait to see if their own bodies can cure the infection! How vain and despicable to waste the peoples resources on medicine that might NOT have been necessary!
The Canadian example here suits us well. PRIVATE HEALTHCARE IS RIGHTFULLY BANNED! Therein lies the obvious solution to the problem!
As you know, there MUST BE A SEPARATION OF RELIGION AND MEDICINE as originally decreed in the motherland. Anything less is an affront to the State. You have used the word "Bris" which is clearly a violation of the Peoples' Health Care code. Please make life easy and report to the camp of your choice. You will be treated fairly and in proportion to your crimes. Of course, an investigation of your actions will be necessary, so please bring all medical records with you.
To learn more about the nature of your offense, follow this link
Here in Canada, we are very proud that you wish to adopt a health-care policy that is modelled on our fair, equitable, universal, and free system.
As you know, in today's United States, many people are uninsured -- and even the insured can barely afford decent care. Our response was to make health care free. And our astounding results have made us wonder if we should make other things free, such as cars, food, clothing, etc.
But onto my question: Will you allow Canadians (or at least the Martin family) to come to your country for medical care now and then? I'm not sure why we would do so, but, you know, circumstances come up.
It is good to hear from you! Indeed, I have had many discussions with your Health Minister, The Honourable Ujjal Dosanjh. Perhaps you might wish to help us in our efforts.
While the gluttonous American pharmaceutical companies hold the USSA's people hostage for medications which are created with cheap powders and weeds, innocent workers are suffering. In your fine socialist state, medicine is quite reasonably priced. Obviously, the answer is for you to buy the drugs from the USSA at a discount, and sell them back to us. Clearly this is the most logical course of action.
Incidentally, we are also working on a General Motors "buyback initiative." Did you know that a car is much cheaper if purchased in China? Well, obviously we should be buying our General Motors vehicles from China then! It's so simple that it obviates the need for analysis!
Regardless, of course you are welcome to experience the horrors of our medical system. Many of your colleagues have expressed solidarity with us by experiencing first-hand the sub-par care associated with our system! Only with your support can we build a consensus for the Global Health Initiative (GHI for short).
Here's a little shout out to my man, Dr. Fuku. It goes a little somethin' like this:
Yo, step up proles;
'Cause it's time to be enthralled.
Yeah, Fuku's got the cure
For whatever ails y'all.
He's coordinatin' healthcare
All over the planet.
Disrespect my man
And you'll wind up under granite.
That's right, suckas,
Jihad E is kickin' it again.
I don't need no Tech 9,
Just a mic and a pen.
As per doctor's orders,
It's about time for me
To sip on a cup
Of that "kind" herbal tea.
(For those in the know,
I'm sure that you get me!)
Yeah, so now you know,
The Doc has got your prescription,
His treatments are so dope
That they defy all description.
The panacea for the world
Is the socialist way.
It's time for Uncle Sam
To take off his toupee!
Keep it real, Dr. Fuku!
Word to the Muthaland.
Please set this to music and it shall become my official theme song, bridging the chasm between your constituency and mine, dear friend. I could not be prouder of your achievement!
I am in desperate straights. I suffer from a condition known as "Womattritis". It is brought upon by my progressive demeanor, and irrestiable looks and charm. The condition is characterized by Progressive women finding me irrestiable. Like any good Komissar, I have no problem helping these women fufill their duties... However, the problem lies in that the evil Capitalist women find me repugant, and idiotic. While some of them have been sent to re-education for thier thoughtcrimes, I cannot help but to feel a need to show these women the light of the bright red sun. Upon doing so, they will be like the other progressive women...
Thats where you come in. I expect the mind control pills to be ready within the month. I am sending some of my finest Vanguard to help. They will ensure your saftey in arriving here. Speak with Gen. Kaprakov, he is one my best advisors, and he will know where to get whatever supplies you may need.
If you do this task, you can be assured that the party will recognize your accomplishments.
While I am always willing to supply potent potables and delectable injectables, might I suggest a method old and true?
A man in your position must clearly run across decadent capitalist women with a need for detention, no? In the old days, we would disorient them in the punishment cell for a while, then de-louse them in a very public way. Following these manoevers, most women will rightfully swoon at the chance to spend time with a Comrade such as yourself! If this is not satisfactory, I will dispatch one of my finest to induce the proper response from the subject of your choice.
While searching the Internet for flattery, I came upon your intriguing manifesto. You strike me as being far more principled than our Republican leadership, and a man who will implement the sort of highly complex economic theories that can only be developed and understood by people such as myself. But one does not need a mind as sharp as mine in order implement sound ideas. (Although you would need to be considerably brighter than the collective IQ of the Bush Administration!)
May I quote from my 4/11/05 New York Times Op-Ed?
"The fact is that in health care, the private sector is often bloated and bureaucratic, while some government agencies - notably the Veterans Administration system - are lean and efficient."
And now, to my question! Do you have a plan that can actually produce efficiencies that exceed the astounding record of The Veterans Administration? Is there anything we can learn from the VA?
I look forward to your response, and I look forward to your obtaining ideas from my columns.
My Dear Paul,
Your statement and question brought me to tears! The Veterans Bureau of Health and Wellbeing is almost NEVER given the credit it deserves. Our system is lean and mean, built by government workers for government workers! All care is equal, no one jumps the line. All our inmates walk out of their own volition, whether they could when they entered or not! Our initiatives have produced a system of care unparalleled in the world, and soon, medical innovation is bound to follow! (After all, the system is still young, and medical advances so few!)
Our latest initiatives are geared toward efficient utilization of care. Previously, we have centralized our MRI machines to one facility per state. Now, we are centralizing all medical equipment to our central offshore facility! All patients will travel by boat (is anything more relaxing and healthful than the beauty and fresh air of the sea?) to get MRI and CT scan tests with NO WAITING! What private hospital can claim that? And the rent at sea is SO LOW! Once the heavier machinery is moved, we will begin transferring the ultrasound systems and interventional cardiology suites. Imagine, a veteran is having a heart attack in central New York. A high speed Veterans ambulance picks him up and whisks him to the shoreline. A Veterans Administration Seafaring Ambulance then whisks him to the central offshore facility for his state of the art angioplasty!
One of our brightest initiatives is almost never mentioned! Many of our veterans have participated in efforts contrary to the good of a People's State. The most glaring example is our effort in Vietnam. Sure, apologists will say, “well, we lost on purpose, so in the end we helped our collectivist brothers!” Well, I say that is not enough! All our PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) Vietnam veterans need a chance to apologize for their efforts against the people of Vietnam. Therefore, we try to have Vietnamese psychiatrists treat these individuals (especially the POW's, who quite often are nostalgic for their time spent in a true collective). If we do not have a Vietnamese psychiatrist, we always give the Veteran a Health Official trained in a foreign land, as this broadens their myopic self-indulgent world-view and unforgivable self-pity. Currently, we are busy recruiting the finest Medical Officials the Middle East can supply.
No doubt, Comrade Krugman, you get your healthcare through the VA system, and look at the glow of your beard! You must drink ten raw eggs a day to be so incredibly healthy.
A question for Krugman
Can you apply your laser-like mind to the AIDS problem? Could you re-write the same opinion piece with "AIDS" in place of "obesity?" It would look sort of like this:
#1. One answer is to focus on the financial costs of AIDS, and the fact that many of these costs fall on taxpayers and on the general insurance-buying public, rather than on the AIDS individuals themselves.
#2. It is more important, however, to emphasize that there are situations in which "free to choose" is all wrong - and that this [getting AIDS] is one of them.
#3. And even if children weren't a big part of the problem, only a blind ideologue or an economist could argue with a straight face that Americans were rationally deciding to get AIDS.
What do you think, Paul? Do you agree with this?
Little did I realize that you have expertise in such a vast realm of science: Medicine and economics. (And moral wisdom!) Very few people can boast of such accomplishments, save some polymathic women such as the late Elena Ceausescu.
Incidentally, in order to maintain a healthy (and lean!) economy, I would recommend that the fattie-camps be funded with what is now paying for the Guantanamo Bay facility. Or perhaps, the fatties can be moved to Guantanamo Bay; we might be able to share resources with nearby governments.
I love your thinking! Keep up the good work Paul!
Thank You Paul
I think I speak for the collective when I stand up and shout "three cheers for Krugman!" It's about time someone stood up for the heathy man! All day long we hear sob stories about fat people, AIDS ridden people, cancer ridden people, and we are supposed to shed a collective tear (pun intended) and pony up with the People's Credit Card! Nobody ever thinks about how these irrational, irresponsible sickies are bleeding the collective dry! Well no more!
I think your article is a shot across the bow to all the tired, sick and fat, telling them that we are NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! The weak willed fat AIDS patients, the pathetic cancer patients, the disgusting genetically disadvantaged are all dragging us down!
No more pandering to the selfish individualistic needs of the pathetically ill!
POWER TO THE HEALTHY!
A question for Paul
OK, now I (think I)get it
I am slow, but I am starting to see the outlines of a pattern of thought as though "seen through a glass, darkly." I don't want to feign your degree of prescience, but see if you agree with my vision. I will use the Sophistocratic method that you have made famous:
#1 Taxation is vital
#2. Things are too complicated nowadays for people to know what to do.
#3. Threfore people need economists to tell them what to do with money.
This being resolved, I then wonder if the winds are not only not but also clearly not blowing our American ship toward an inevitable confluence of economic certitudes resulting in the following:
All money needs to be funnelled through the hands of a prominent economist first, and he will then decide how much of a refund check we need. Really, it is no different from a simple flat tax that the libertarians have been clamoring for, and it would solve the complicated tax code problem. All individuals would merely need to cede all income, after which they simply would direct an email petition to their local economist requesting money for items of need. It sure would make life alot easier, and we would never have to worry that we might run out of taxes in the middle of the night and have a crisis. Please be kind, I am trying to understand this all at once, and it is hard.
A Scared Housewife
I just got a $1,000 dollar bonus at work for working late every night and coming in early every morning. I was going to spend the money on a dress for my daughter, a grill for my husband and then keep a little bit for a rainy day, but now I am confused. From what you say, the econonomy is in a quagmire (what does that mean -- it sounds bad), and the rich stopped paying taxes. Does that mean I should give my money to the government? I don't want to end up with those big deficits that end up making our economy worse (what comes after quagmire -- I am afraid to ask). Also, if I am doing ok, how does the quagmire affect me? Does it sneak up like a cancer or is it there and I just can't see it? I never went to college, so I have a hard time with this.
Baton Rouge, LA
A) Economists have purity of thought. We are scientists and cannot be influenced by petitions and other expressions of popular opinion. True, majority opinions signify moral rectitude (which is why the Republicans needed to cheat to win the last two elections), and the people should therefore petition the government, and not the economists. At that time, the government will consult with the most gifted economists, who will provide expert guidance to the government. Of course, in an ideal situation, the most gifted economists would be government employees anyway -- in order to maximize efficiencies.
B) Of course this is hard for you to understand. My prose, though exquisite, does not even begin to reveal the complex ideas, abstractions, and most of all, formulas, that can intimidate any challenger. My mastery of jargon, my accumulation of degrees and awards, my implicit endorsement by The Economist ("By Invitation"...they invited me to speak!) gives even my slightest utterances a degree of credibiity that almost defies comprehension.
C) You are very perceptive; things are far too difficult for anyone to understand. For example, did you know that the cyclical aggregate substitution of surplus floating cost can be approximated by a non-stationary hyperbolic gamma-curve? This is why people outside the field should only be concerned with simpler things, such as selecting the correct brand of detergent, choosing a color for their next car (although efficiencies dictate that only one optimal color be available to all), paying their taxes, voting for Democratic candidates, and reading my columns.
Prof. Dr. Paul Krugman
I never communicated with anyone who did not attend college, so I hope that you will understand me. If you are illiterate, perhaps someone can read this response to you. I will struggle to use easy words.
Remember when you were a little itty bitty baby? And remember how mommy would feed you and dress you and take care of you? Remember how happy you were, and how easy it all was?
Good! You have a good memory! You are smart!
Now, remember when you were scared of monsters and bad people under your bed? And remember how mommy would make it all better?
Well, that big bad monster was only in the imagination of Little Sally. But quagmires and deficits are not in your imagination; they are real, and they are deadly. They are like the Bad Monster, but only much much worse.
Who will rescue you now, Sally, with mommy in the grave? Are you scared? Sad? Upset? Angry? You should be!!
It turns out that there's someone better than mommy. It is your government, and very very very very smart and compassionate people like me. Do you know what "compassionate" means? It means that we want to help you.
So, Sally...just as you gave your toys to mommy when you were a little baby, you need to give your money to the government. Just as those toys really belonged to mommy, that money really belongs to the government.
When you were little, mommy knew better than you. Isn't that enough proof that, today, your government knows better? Listen to us, vote for Democrats (or even Socialists, if the alternative is a right-wing Republican), and all will be better.
Do it for your chidren!
As you probably know, I'm in France right now tending to the interests of my winery, Château Babeuf.
As a cutting-edge progressive, however, I've been expanding my horizons in my spare time by taking "drag" lessons from France's world-renowned diva, Madame Papillon. My stage name, if you're curious, is Shea Butter. The experience has far exceeded my expectations--I've even amassed a loyal following, thanks to my sultry rendition of Rosemary Clooney classics.
Everything was going exceedingly well until last week, when my feet started hurting so intensely that I was unable to finish a performance. Imagine my mortification! It seems that squeezing my size 11 feet into those restrictive stilleto heels has caused me to develop bunions. Ouch!
Any suggestions on how to cure them? My fans anxiously await my return.
Yours in cross dressing,
I am glad to see you are keeping busy. Do not feel badly, as several prominent members of the party have suffered from your problem. In fact, although patient confidentiality forbids divulging his full name, a living former U.S. president and party member (initials J.C.) suffers from severe high-heel related forefoot issues. As I told him, one must not allow one's vanity to dictate shoe selection! But he just has to wear his Jimmy Choo's whenever he travels to South America! I have forbade him travelling to the Far east, as he is unable to resist dressing as a Geisha and binding his feet! His boyfriend Ramsey is no help, always buying him size 9's!
As for your issue, there are several options. Although large feet do damage the illusion of femininity so desired by the drag queen, a proper fit will maintain comfort with only a 12% decrease in sexiness. And don't forget, open toed shoes CAN BE SEXY if properly selected!
Another option is to have an assistant break in the shoes for you. Perhaps a young Algerian or Moroccan? After all, while in Paris, do as the average French male would do! You might also want to consider a good spotlight which cuts off at the ankle. If you persist in wearing ill-fitting heels, you will invariably require a bunionectomy, which is both painful and bloody!
I took your advice and not only outfitted myself with larger, more comfortable shoes, but I also arranged for a less revealing use of the spotlight. These remedies worked to perfection, and, as you predicted, I only suffered a 12% loss in sexual appeal! Thank you, comrade! Rosemary Clooney is back in business. *snaps*
Dems for Defense
I don't know if you remember me, but many years ago we both served at the same maximum security orphanage / re-education centre? You will recall my calling for medicine was less than my calling for an efficient and willful re-education of the disease that hides amongst the masses, and I regret we drifted apart as was necessary for our duties - but I am pleased to see all those hours in unnecessary and unanaethatised surgery have bode you well in serving the continued struggle against the great evil.
Tell me, what have you been doing all these years?