The New Progressive Bible

Premier Betty, I do not know the play, but it isounds very progressive. It reminds me of a play written by Jerry Springer that was performed in London, in which Jesus had sex with pigs. As we all know, Jesus is the only prophet we are allowed to make fun of.

If I can make a few suggestions for the Progressive Bible to include:

1. An Exodus in which an oppressed people (the proletariat) is led to freedom by an all knowing and wise Party to the promised future promised to them by an all knowing entity (Marx). While in the wilderness, manna falls from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others.

2. Keep Sodom and Gomorrah, after all, they were cities full of open minded people who had sex with anyone and anything, a place that Bryan might have lived in.

3. Include not only Sodom and Gomorrah, but Saddam and Gore/Moore-ah. Yes, our three glorious heroes, Saddam, Gore, and Moore, who have all been targeted in some form by an angry Bushitler and the RepubliKKKans.

4. Ignore the Gospel of Mark, but in its place, the Gospel of Marx.



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A reading from the Book of Joshua.

...and the Proletariat spoke unto Joshua saying "Jericho is a quagmire" and "No Blood for Milk and Honey".

And Joshua did consult the polls, saying "Let it be done according to the Party. Let us gird our loins in garter belts and fishnet stockings and go forth unto Sodom and Gomorrah with the Ark of Non-Binding Suggestions. There, with federal funding, we will offer up excuses and apologies and rebuild what was destroyed. There we will raise a monument so that our children and our children's children might know the sins we have committed against the Canaanites."



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Imagine the signs at football games:

Marks 3:16

"For Marx so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Manifesto, that whosoever believeth in it should not perish, but be purged at the end of his usefulness."



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The old Bible is nothing but empty space - so much trees and paper wasted on something that can fit into a much smaller, yet much more informative and to-the-point instruction pamphlet.

If all those uncounted pages say the same things as the Builder of Communism's Moral Code Pamphlet, they are redundant. And if they contradict the Builder of Communism's Moral Code Pamphlet, they are harmful and must be destroyed. Either way, the memory of them must be erased from the Collective Consciousness with the help of historical revisionism in the academia, news media, and the Party's branches in the entertainment sector.

The visual aid below was prepared specifically to illustrate this very point by our new member Comrade Mikhail T. Kalashnikov.

Long live the Party!



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I will now sleep better knowing that the massacre at the Red [Reed] Sea is correctly identified as a direct violation of the Geneva Convention protocol.
The Arabs has generously taken it upon themselves to require a recompense for the slaughter of the semi innocents.