His suspicions got bolstered by the strangely disturbing effect the U.S. Mideast policies had on his psyche. The more America flexed its military muscle, the more agitated the actor became. When he could bear it no more, he confronted his mother about his family roots.
Well-aware of what happened to women who had crossed her volatile son in the past, the mother quickly confessed that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" she met only briefly during a visit to a Santa Monica grocery store on the corner, early in the year 1960.In another bizarre coincidence, the following morning (after a night filled with the usual nightmares about the Great Satan), Sean received an email from with a coupon offering him an amazing FREE, two-week trial in discovering long-lost ancestors. The two-week trial later became a thrilling, eye-opening adventure and a discovery of the rebellious actor's biological father.
The search wasn't always smooth. Following a false lead, in December of 2002, the Academy-award-winning actor-cum-iconoclastic bad boy-cum-political activist-cum-part-time journalist if he could prove that Saddam Hussein was not a conniving blood-thirsty despot, but in fact a long-lost father of a beloved people's celebrity Sean Penn. That would, of course, change both public opinion and the course of history.
His visit, however, was cut short after Saddam's other sons, Uday and Qusay, demanded that Sean prove his relation to them in state-run rape rooms and torture cellars. "With all respect to diversity and multiculturalism," Penn confessed later in a story he wrote for the San Francisco Chronicle, "their noogies, wedgies, uppercuts, tooth-pulling, nail-slicing, and other manifestations of brotherly love did not feel even remotely familiar. Saddam was obviously not my father."
The painstaking research continued despite an extremely busy schedule of activities aimed at saving the world from America the Great Satan. An almost superhuman effort finally paid off when Sean discovered an old picture of Ali Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, leader of the Islamic Revolution and the current front-runner in the Iranian elections. "His face was a dead ringer, but his self-description as a steady hand for uneasy times told me he was family," says the actor.
Curiously enough, the following day the San Francisco Chronicle dispatched Sean Penn to Iran to cover the upcoming elections. Most media outlets have already reported that Iranian officials confiscated Mr. Penn's camera footage a few days ago, deeming it too sensitive to leave the country.
The People's Cube found out why: the seized videotapes indeed confirmed Mr. Penn's hypothesis. On one of them, Rafsanjani is captured making the startling declaration: "Sean, I am your Father! I have admired your work since the movie, At Close Range. The dynamic between you and Christopher Walken was quite compelling."
The tapes also show father and son engaged in a tearful embrace, as well as the Iranian statesman giving his son a copy of a new "flush-proof" Koran, developed by the Ayatollah's top nuclear scientists.
Reflecting on his newly confirmed family ties, Penn was reportedly overheard saying, in a voice redolent of his memorable Jeff Spicoli character, "I guess it probably explains my, what's the word I'm looking for; um, oh yeah, propensity - my propensity toward violent outbursts and my need to put women in their place, like I did when I worked over that little tramp - you know, my former wife, Madonna. Under Dad's rule she'd be stoned to death if she tried to pull that cucumber-sucking shit over here."
Sources claim that he went on to note, "There was something about her song 'Like a Virgin' that strangely resonated with me. Who knew it was my destiny to become a martyr myself; then I'll get to 'touch' 72 virgins 'for the very first time'".
Mr. Penn has also found time to observe the superiority of the Iranian political system, as compared to that of his home country, where democracy has failed miserably. "We should look to other countries, and, you know, see how they run things," Mr. Penn keenly affirmed. Launching into an arresting diatribe against bourgeois hegemony, Mr. Penn went on to say, "Iran's Governing Council of enlightened Mullahs is, um, sort of like our own Electoral College, only it selects the winner BEFORE, not after, the elections."
With fervor rising in his voice, Mr. Penn added, "That's what I call putting the horse before the cart! We've been doing it backwards for over 200 years and the ignorant American people will keep getting it wrong if they insist on electing Presidents who are uneducated, incurious, and have no knowledge of the thespian arts."
Asked about how he will deal with the fact that he now essentially has two fathers, Mr. Penn replied, "I think it's great; everyone should have two dads, or, two moms for that matter." These comments instantly won him praise from the non-partisan group, .
I mean, call me intuitive, but I always knew that Penn-ski boy was a mullah-fokkin' liar! It makes me sick to my freakin' stomach. Poor Lee, what's his name; sorry, poor Leo. Who knew?
Pour me another Grey Goose martini.
WATCH VIDEO HERE. Look at http://www.swankyconservative.com/2005/ ... patriotism
As you know, I love our country. However, I must always be on the lookout for ways to improve our standing in the world. I have it on the highest global authority that we have dropped to two hundred fiftieth in the global rankings! How can we continue at this rate? We will not even be seeded in the next Global collective runoff!
I know you all wish we could go back to the good old days of the late sixties and early seventies, but that time has passed. The world doesn't look at us the same way anymore. We are older, less enticing, less fertile. We must rely on another means to peak the world's interest.
That is why I am on my fact finding, healing, and global understanding tour. Much like "V-ger" from the first Star Trek movie, I am collecting data for the greater good! I want the world to look at us like he used to. I want the world to look at us lustily again, and not want to beat us for being unattractive or because we deserve it. I know my friends all tell me the world is bad for us, and nobody deserves to be beaten for no reason, but I know that the world really loves us and wouldn't hurt us on purpose. It must be something we did. And I don't want the restraining order that McBushyChimpHitler wants! The world will never talk to us again if we do that!
So, that's why I went to Iran! To understand my man, I must enter his ID and see what's cooking. Oh, he says crazy stuff like, "Death to America," but he doesn't mean it! He really loves us deep down, and we just have to convince him to love us again. We just have to work harder. And if he hits us, then it's our fault, because we didn't try hard enough, and we let him down. I think we all understand this.
Your voice and emmisary,
My lawyer will contact you soon!
Do they have an Islamic version of "The Omen"??