Indeed, the rate of suicide among students is dropping, experts say, because schools are failing to teach children basic skills they may need later in life. Thus, student A. of the Bronx chewed on five jumbo lead pencils hoping it would give him deadly lead poisoning, but miserably failed to cause even cramps. Student B. of Staten Island gave up his suicidal plans after spending two hours figuring out how to spell "suicide" in a one-paragraph "sewieside" note. And yesterday, Joe failed to tie a noose on his rope.
Untreated depression and academic stress admittedly remain to be the leading causes in high school suicides. "I don't understand where the stress is coming from," says Schools Chancellor Joel I. Klein . "Our students are no longer required to do any homework; we've already stripped the curriculum of any frills. There's nothing left except social awareness programs. The students are being taught at an early age how to protect themselves from sexual molestation, pregnancy, AIDS, how to sue their abusive parents, and not be afraid to experiment with their same-sex friends. Everyone is prepared for puberty years in advance. So it's hardly school that causes stress and depression in our kids. I think we should take a closer look at their social environment, and where our country is headed under the Bush administration."
"Joe has a heart of gold," the boy's mother told our correspondent. "He once cried all night after the teacher told him that human activities have caused the extinction of tens of thousands of species. He refuses to celebrate Columbus Day because the man stole land from the poor Indians. He feels guilty just about everything - that he's white, male, heterosexual, and has an Anglo-Saxon name. He wanted to change his name to Wafa Idris, the first Palestinian female suicide bomber , but couldn't find Palestine on the map and gave up in frustration. If I supported his decision, maybe he'd have a little more confidence in life now. He's so inept."
"This kid is a dumbass!" complains Joe's father. "I'm busting my ass at the union picketing rallies all days, so I was hoping at least school would teach him something useful. But he can't even tie a noose! What kind of teachers are they anyway? Don't they have a union or something?"
"Blame the lack of funding," says teachers-union president Randi Weingarten. "The only source of stress in education that I can see is the lack of funding. We're not going to teach the kids anything unless there's enough funding.
"Only a heartless person would disagree that we need a safety net for future young adults like Joe, who can't do even basic tasks," a prominent New York Democratic Senator Chuck Shumer summed up Joe's suicide story. "We can't afford to eliminate any of the welfare programs. In fact, we need more! But how can we sustain a growing population of people like Joe, if Bush keeps cutting taxes? It's a humanitarian disaster of cosmic proportions waiting to happen."
But the future for Joe may not be so bleak, after all. "We admit students to based on their sense of social justice rather than skills and intellect," says Professor Deborah Shanley. "Even if his grades aren't great, a conscientious student like Joe will easily beat selfish overachievers who care mostly about their own grades. It's a lesson of social justice for everyone involved. We believe that an education centered on social justice prepares the highest quality of teachers. Joe is perfect material for our program and we hope he will make an excellent teacher who will actively shape our social, cultural, and political future.
End the MADNESS
Did you know that while millions are starving in the barren rainforests and are forced to live on poisonous U.S. conglomerate products like "Twinkies," "coke" and the like, while they are unable to get the land they deserve because McDonalds is using it for their diseased hormone fed cattle, our students are left to fend amongst the psychic miasma FOR THEMSELVES?
Do you know the psychic tremor that is emitted by each underpriveleged aboriginal sufferer in Africa, Australia and South America? These psychic rays and waves run uncountered in our schools, where our sensitive precious innocent children are UNPROTECTED. The right-wingers Klein and Weingarten want to spend the money on sex education, computers to surf the internet and read the mainstream media outlets like "Daily Kos" and "Democratic Underground," instead of dealing with the real issue!
We need AT LEAST $1000.00 per student for pshychic protective services! Doesn't everyone require a fully-licensed psychic in his or her life to help understand the psychic miasma? I myself require the services of Sydney Omar himself for help through the day. There is so much psychic turmoil out there, and it is only getting worse! I can't even mention the horror of the War machine of McBushyChimpHitler and Vice President WhipsandCheneys!
A psychic for every child
Remove all computers (to shield the children from the mind-rays)
All books edited by (in order)
1. Sydney Omar
2. Al Sharpton
5. Amnesty International
The TRUE first lady,
Theresa Heinz (formerly Kerry)
One of the "Village People" since 1975.
Hillary (with the hard hat)
I promise to help you as much as you helped John! I do like your idea of children voting, though. Ageism is the new sexism you know. How are your herpes hun? I'm going to get that new book about you too, sweetie (*hugs*).
Our PETA friends also have a point about chimpanzees. They can communicate you know, and they were born in the USA. Why can't they vote? I have a billion dollars, and I plan on taking chimpanzee suffrage all the way to the supreme court! My husband died in a plane crash before he realized how important all these issues were, but I will do what he would have wanted with his money and help the pathetic poor and underprivileged chimpies.
love and kisses
Theresa Heinz (not Kerry)
I agree that ADD may have been involved, but I suspect a dual diagnosis of ADD and dyslexia is in order. I recommend intensive therapy in knot tying seven days a week, psychotherapy four times a week, ritalin with a dash of lithium, and patchouli enemas.
In addition, a facilitator should be assigned to help this needy student achieve his goal. As you know, we must maintain a united front on the right to death issue. Certainly, all life has an end, and the more ends there are, the more room there is for the rest of us. This student should be assisted in building and using a gallows or we have not performed our task as educators!
Don't even get me started on patchouli enemas. They're simply heavenily--not that I believe in heaven or anything; it's just a figure of speech!
I must concur with your Malthusian assessment of the global population problem and the need to promote the "right to death" cause; however, I still feel that it's our duty to help augment the self-esteem of budding socialists, like poor Joe. Who knows?--one day, he could grow up to be one of the Party's most valuable assets, with proper training and mind control, of course.
President, Board of Ed.
As we have done before with other sinister inventions of the rich and crusty such as linear algebra, Greek, Latin, and shop class, we should banish the term noose and all applications thereof from books and classrooms! Problem solved! After all, the gun has been endorsed as the main weapon of the schoolchild by our union!
Ever seen that movie 'logan's run'? That's how it SHOULD be. It's time that Religious nut cases realized that life is not a right. Life is a privilege given to us by the Government, a contract which comes with RESPONSIBILITIES and OBLIGATIONS toward the 'greater good'.
On a cost / benefit basis, Western nations are clearly wasting far too much wealth and far too many resources on keeping selfish old geezers alive. Think of all the money that is spent to keep the reactionary 'grey lobby' tripping along - when they really contribute nothing to the collective other than making their children feel guilty about warehousing them in a hospice care or a retirement home - think of how much good it would do FOR THE CHILDREN!
Why should it always be the youngest among us who run the risk of making the ultimate sacrifice to help cure global Malthusian overpopulation? Indeed, I think the "Logan's Run" paradigm has some real merit to it if only the neanderthal right-wingnut religious whackos would quit regaling us about the sanctity of life. I mean, how many really old people like being old?
And other progressives have already noted, what's so bad about 'Soylent Green'? Think about it...with everyone ending up green, we'd have a truly monochromatic society! Who would care about black & white, red & yellow anymore if everyone ends up green! My new motto is: When its your time to quit, don't raise a snit. And maybe by the time I reach old age we'll be able to find another solution to this problem of geezerdom.
I am a former asexual, and I need your help!
First, why am I a former asexual? Well, I have never been attracted to humans of any sort, and oh how I've tried! I tried looking at people through rose colored glasses, upside down, sideways, with only one eye, and with funny hats but nothing worked, until now!
As for why I need your help? I need your help because the one who has captured my fancy is a member of your collective! I have never seen ANYTHING like Randi Weingarten! It is the one for me! You see, I have determined that my perversion requires a unique being for sexual gratification. Normal humans will not do! Something about its picture -- the squirrel-like nasofacial appearance, the horse-like teeth, the Martina Navratilova-like eyes and forehead, the worm-like spine! She is a composite of the Earth's species! I have determined that I am really so sexually diverse that I must engage with a composite of all species! Will you help me in my quest to woo it?
Dear Harold Ickes,
Comrade Weingarten is the , and so are you if you're attracted to it. Finally our efforts have paid off. The new species (a multi-speciist composite) begin to appear sporadically around dumpsters, nuclear dumps, government offices, and even the U.S. Senate.
The most recent example of such New Man species is a . Now it is suing the Waste Management company that owned the truck and the dumpster. We think that's good. A lawsuit is a sure way to get the new composite species noticed and empowered with rights that are now selfishly reserved for the so-called "humans" only.
- Red Square
Visit http://www.parentsofsuicide.com ...and maybe you'll learn something yourself!!
No, the picture isn't coming down and your web link is weak. The Collective™ is sorry your kid committed suicide, but dont't blame us.
This site is satire.
If you were offended, don't come back.
If you have half a brain, quit blaming yourself and others, and learn.
The People's Cube is happy to help:
Loss is, I think, has much the same feeling as failure, even though there is no blame to be attached. Somehow, we think, had we done something else, we would not have failed, and there would be no loss--when it just is not true.
And anger, being the most deafening of emotions, drowns out that feeling of senseless and amorphous failure, which we cannot avoid because to acknowledge it would be to admit a final impotence against the world.
I do hope that your heart heals, but please do note that the world cannot change its habits. And also that anger against a website so obviously meant to be a satire, not of suicide, but of the regnant ideas of the bien pensant is bootless. And tiring.
Or how 'bout this?
Damn! If only they'd had classes and field trips like that when I went to school! Who would've thought that picking out a casket and headstone for your loved one could be so much fun?
And "Grieving Mom" needs to quit logging on to that shitty site.
Group moping never helped anybody.
If anything, it makes it worse.
Ugh....and that annoying midi of "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" is enough to make you want to kill yourself.
"Grieving Mom" is certainly the weirdest troll that we've gotten here in a while, but she's welcome back anytime. Getting your sense of humor back after something as selfish (and it is selfish if the person was rational, not mentally ill) as a person you loved killed their self is quintessential for the road to better mental health and she's going to need that....but, if she's a totally hopeless liberal, there's nothing KMTC can help her with in her treatment, because remember, being a liberal means everybody else is to be blamed....like the evil Red Square for posting that shocking photo.
I couldn't navigate that site because of the music. Nothing catapults me out of a site quicker than that.
She must've stumbled in here after googling certain keywords, because this thread is so old and deeply buried, I don't think I'd ever seen it until she posted.
If Red Square had posted an actual suicide photo, she might have a legitimate beef.
Otherwise, my heart goes out to her, and she has all my deepest sympathies. If she were conservative, the Cube could indeed help her. I know. Laughter is the true opiate. Bless all who supply it!