It reminds of the time the Great Troll of Mimes visited us and made the proposition:
I stink, therefore I spam!
Of course Global Warming exists!
So does Global Cooling, formerly known in the late 1970's and early 80's as "The New Ice Age".
We cannot endure either! We must have Equality of the Climate!
Thank Pascal and God for Liberals!
The Liberals defeated "The New Ice Age" in 1993 with the Inauguration of Bill Clinton. The Blizzard of 1993 was it's last hurrah.
Then for 8 full years Earth had a perfect climate. Al Gore's Climate Controlling Computer Program (CCCP) worked flawlessly with his Internet invention. Mankind was safe!
Then came the stolen election of 2000 and the smell of sulpher was in the White House.....You see, Satan likes things VERY HOT. Bush, doing Satan's bidding, started fiddling with the dials, blowing fuses, and breaking the vacuum tubes on Al Gore's CCCP....the next thing you know....Global Warming!
Then things got too hot "politically" for Bush and he reset the CCCP dial to "New Ice Age" again this January, but thank God for Hugo Chavez and the Kennedys for sending boatloads of heating oil for the poor huddling masses that Bush wants to freeze to death! You can bet on June 21st he'll reset the CCCP dial for Global Warming again. Let's just pray those CITGO boats get here in time so these huddling frozen masses don't end up becoming necro-proxy voters.
(Bow your heads for moment of silence and prayer for Hugo's Boats...unless you're in school or a public place)
We need that CCCP dial set on "Perfect Climate of Equality" like the 1990's and only a Democrat controlled White House, Senate, and Congress can do it!
Do not believe in the false god of objective science! You'll hear strange blatherings of things like "Sunspots", "Volcanic activity", "Water evaporation" and such! Listen not brethern and sisters!
Only the Real God of Selective Science is the Truth! Any activity that man does plus cow farts! That and Bush!
Praise Marx, Lenin and Stalin's Ghost.
Place your envelope in the tray....good, now open your wallet....good, now empty your pockets.....good, now give ME your vote.
Gore, get your grubby paws out of that collection plate, you got your graven idol at the beginning of the month in Hollywood.
Those of you who didn't triple tithe or more, and we know who you are.....off to the gulag!
I have found a solution to at least one of your emotional and electoral problems.
We can neutralize Bill's cheating with the new Cheat Offsetting program. It works just like the Carbon Offsetting program - by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This will neutralize the pain and unhappy emotions in your family as well as the potential voters, leaving everyone involved (including Bill) with a clear conscience.
The Throne is yours, my Red Queen of Diamonds!
http://www.mycarbondebt.com/?gclid=CNTY ... QAodDSv2Ew
I think we should also start a Progressive Guilt Credit business! We'll collect money from capitalists who don't want to feel guilty for their success, and pass it on to our bleeding heart liberal volunteers whose daily job will be to feel terribly, unbearably guilty - eight hours a day, forty hours a week.
To feel guilty after hours will require a 1.5 overtime rate. For a special bonus these people can even wake up screaming in the middle of the night from guilt - so that you can have a good night's sleep and wake up fresh in the morning and make a ton of money during the day to offset a new portion of your accumulated capitalist guilt. We'll be keeping, oh I don't know, 10% of the money passing our hands?
Imagine a commercial:
Are you a bleeding heart liberal? Are you feeling guilty all day while living in your mom's basement? Is your guilt preventing you from having a job, a career, or a meaningful relationship? Well, now you can feel guilty and get paid for it! I am Red Square of the People's Cube. Sign up to be a volunteer in our Progressive Guilt Credit program and become a successful guilt receptacle!
<voice> Hi, my name is Alva Goldbook. I used to be full of guilt and anxiety just because I was a U.S. citizen. I spent my days moaning about the lack of government programs that would pay me enough money to move to Cuba or North Korea. But after I joined the Progressive Guilt Credit program I quickly grew from the position of Assistant Nervous Wreck to Whining Paranoid Blogger, and within only a year I became an Area Guilt Manager in charge of guilt sales and redistribution in all of Northern Virginia. I can now stop asking Mom for allowance to go to Starbucks or buy Panera bread with my own guilt credits. Soon I'll even be able to leave the basement and travel to far-away romantic places like Cuba or North Korea with my real new human-flesh girlfriend!
If you are a liberal moaner, stop wasting your time carping for free! Join our army of paid whiners, complainers, and nit-pickers and earn real income!
As for our capitalist customers we'll have a different set of commercials, as well as monthly and annual Guilt Drives that would increase the guilt amount and raise the value of guilt we would help them to offset!
Wait. I just checked and it turns out such business model already exists. Its branches include Moveon.org, Center For American Progress, Ford Foundation, Tides Foundation, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, that thing Bono is trying to set up, and many, many more.
Never mind... Back to the drawing board...
Would it not be cheaper and easier just to castrate Comrade Bill?
Oh wait! YOU ALREADY HAVE HIS BALLS!!!! BRILLIIANT!!! No wonder you are going to be the next President of the United Socialist States of America! You're always thinking 2 steps ahead.
Peace through Socialist Idolatry,
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
Consensus is reached: Gore's global-warming alarmism is overblown.
By Steven F. Hayward
As international celebrity and film star Al Gore prepared to testify about global warming on Capitol Hill on Wednesday, it was already apparent that the hot air may be leaking out of the global-warming balloon...
Here's another link. This one about how Toyota's Prius on-board computer uses revolutionary math to calculate your Prius' gas milage. Ingenious!
Aside from the application of decision theory, it IS unscientific to say that in an infinite universe, something DOES NOT exist... we can't prove that something doesn't exist in an infinite universe... only that it does... logically speaking...
... and besides... I FEEL™ a little warm... and as a Bona Fide Cube Member, all I really need to worry about is my FEELINGS™.
That little Prius is taking a big sulfer dioxide crap, and pissing acid rain, all over precious mother Earth. So long as I get my medical marijuana free from the government, I don't care.
Comrade Red Square. How about an Anthropomorphic cartoon of our friend the Prius teaching all the little kiddies about the fragile environment?
"Hi, I'm Patrick Prius, and I'm here to help all you kids learn about our fragile mother... "
I'm going to defenestrate myself now.
I hear the U.S. government is giving green cards to prophets who start new religions that have followers on U.S. territory. Once that is completed I'll be able to point at anyone in the world and claim that he/she/it is our follower, persecuted for his/her/its religious beliefs. That will grant him/her/it an instant green card and a refugee status complete with free health care, subsidized housing, and all sorts of grants. And I... ahem... our Church will get a small fee for the services, naturally. Chairman will be in charge of the collection plate. We can grow a world-wide community of Cubists... er... Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists, and set up a colony somewhere in... around Las Vegas maybe?
Congrats Red! I now declare Prophet Red Square, the leader of the Reformed Latter Day Climatologists! Is Laika done with those 501-3(c) forms yet? We have money to collect!
I propose to make using Al Gore's ritual Global Warming Jelly a required practice at our Goremon rites. It does not replace Global Warming Vodka, but compliments and enhances its action.
Oh, and we already have an architectural design for the world's first Reformed Latter-Day Climatology Cathedral -
"Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem early because they took the Prius"
".....and so David slew Goliath and burned out the evil giant's Hummer to"
And story of Chanukah's could also be altered . the lamps burned for eight days NOT because of divine intervention, BUT because somebody replaced the oil with an eco-friendly florescent light bulb
(According to anti-capitalists, God couldn't have flooded the Earth. That is supernatural and has no place in the public discourse. But mankind damn sure could have flooded it. That's science, and you shall burn if you don't believe it, heretic!)
This way we have our Messiah story and flood story in one neat package. Now, we just need a creation story.
PS I love the rock. I want to craft one, and start wearing it. I want it inscribed "Al Gore said it. I Believe it. That settles it."
OK... you see, about 65 trillion kabillion zillion years ago the evil Lord Allen enslaved billions of aliens on this planet and subjected them to hard labor without a living wage, universal healthcare, flextime, and daycare. This made these aliens very angry and full of revolutionary zeal. With the banner of Lenin, these aliens decided to unionize in response to these outrageous crimes against nature. This made Lord Allen Prince of Hatemongering very upset and with all his power he vanquished these alien working class heroes to the land of shadows and dust (Detroit) where their souls remain to this day. Now then, since evil Lord Allen didn't have any slaves to whip and deny universal healthcare to, he had no other choice but to create new and improved slaves. So, he took the souls of the aliens, combined them with macaca, and before you can slap Janet Reno on the ass to watch her giggle *BOOM* Humyn beings were born! OK... so, because we have these alien souls in us (or what we Goremons call "Carbon Thetans") it is VERY VERY VERY important that we (collectively, mind you) donate as much money as possible to The Church of Reformed Latter-Day Climatologists to rid ourselves of Carbon Thetans which make us do bad things like driving SUVs, voting republican, and the most unholy of sins - deny the existence of Global Warming! <gasp!>
I hope this makes perfect sense to everybody... because its science, and to disagree with it makes you an idiot and unworthy to live.
TAKE UP YOUR WEATHER ROCK AND FOLLOW THE GORACLE!
Distraught, Goreacle walked alone for forty days in the spacious gardens of his mansion, eating only what his chefs brought unto him. There he was visited by the sprits of Riefenstahl and Goebbels. They brought unto the Goreacle (PBUH) the ancient secrets of cinematography. The Prophet then left his gardens, shaved his beard, and ventured forth in his limousine to the land of Holly Trees.
I think we need a website. Goremons.thepeoplescube.com
I will gladly serve as Archdeacon of Pharmaceuticals & Kool-Aid.
While were all taking up positions in the new climatology kurch, can I be a pope? A pope under prophet Red Square and the messenger Al Gore? I could wear a rock necklace, with priestly like robes and a really big hat.
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev
But we have achieved the ultimate in religion. One by definition has to take a religion on faith. But progressivism has, get this, been proven not to work and people still want it. Think on this. It's either wilful stupidity or viciousness or mind-destroying lemming-like behavior.
If you wonder where the Flat Earth Society went, they have been absorbed. They're the buggy whip makers of the True Progressive Movement.
I humbly beseech thee for the boon of a carbon indulgence, as I have just burnt the toast...
The First Church of Eschatology, Climatology, Teleology, and Frenology.
"You don't haf vays of making us shut up!"
"Or keeping us out of your wallet."
But yes, let us all sign up for Carbon Credit Cards and also allow migrant workers to have them too! Then they can register to vote Democrat since their CCC will also serve as a LEGITIMATE photo-ID.
No doubt Robert Mugabe did have a large necro-proxy vote, but here in AmeriKKKa, we have a dead person buying carbon credits. And running for president.
So I humbly advance that we are the most progressive of all nations, and will remain so until all are groaning under the yoke of socialism, all having nothing but us, er, until everyone has a just portion of the earth's resources, distributed in an earth-friendly manner by judges trained in fairness. Who will be suitably rewarded, as fits their moral stature.
...Lupe. Lupe! How many times have I told you to be careful with those pictures of the dean of Harvard law with that puta! That fool insists on contract law when that's just what we don't want. I may have to send some pictures to his wife. Lupe! Lupe!
But I would like to know how Algore, who, I have settled, is our necropresident, manages to not only write a book cribbed from the Unabomber, have his own movie, and do it with his head up his ass. I suppose that the coffin he rises from is a piano-moving box.
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Algore
Many smokestacks from capitalism flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed carbon footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of carbon footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the employed periods of my life,
when I was suffering from work, productivity, and wealth I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Algore
"You promised me Algore, that if I followed you, there would be no Global Warming.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life,
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"
The Algore replied,
"The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child,
is when my Carbon Offsets carried you."
I'll tell Simon you love him.
I'm ashamed of you Laika for watching such crap and hope you come to your senses. Now take this milkbone as a token of my appreciation and please excuse me... Leave it to Beaver is coming on and my TV dinner in the microwave is done.
Let's never forget the hidden meanings in TV Land though. What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?
"Ward, don't you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
By the way, why are you throwing Laika a milkbone?
If he continues to plummet he'll surpass the free-fall career speed of Jerry Rivers, pardon, Geraldo Rivera, who went from gang member to lawyer to talk-show host.
It is on this theory that the polar icecaps will melt if Algore isn't elected President.
But wait. I don't believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. What if one applies to me...What's that I hear? A nasal voice whining "Memories...like the..."
My god! It's an albino aardvark selling $300 tickets to silly queens! That's it. I'm going to order a Sports Illustrated subscription on line and I promise I'll pay attention to the scores instead of look at the asses.
"And behold, a flock of geese flew in a circle, knowing not which way to goeth in April, because of the snowfall when it should be Globally Warming."
It's a portent!
Rev. L. Space Dogged