WASHINGTON -- President Barack Obama came out swinging Monday in his first public remarks since S&P downgrade of U.S. creditworthiness, congratulating Americans on achieving a moral victory by redistributing the unfairly gained superior AAA rating to the less fortunate and more deserving countries, some of whom don't even have an alphabet. Calling the loss of an 'A' a "shared sacrifice" and "exercise in global economic justice," Obama went on to explain that our loss is someone else's gain and that we must have less so they have more is an idea worth fighting for. "By dropping that single 'A' from our credit rating we are in effect sharing it with a needier nation - like North Korea - that now can afford to borrow more money from China in order to feed its thriving population."
Once again demonstrating his exceptional ability to feel good about himself in a time of crisis, Obama pleaded for a renewed focus on good intentions that, despite the lackluster results, have garnered much benefit to those needy Americans who run the increasingly expensive government bureaucracy.
"Let me be clear: for us to feel good about ourselves is worth every penny removed from the pockets of hard-working families and communities all across the country. This is what shared sacrifice means," the president said from the State Dining Room in remarks that were delayed more than two days of his birthday and fundraising activities.
"My policies are based on a robust economic model: A big sinking ship raises the water level for smaller ships. And borrowing, printing, and burning trillions of dollars on massive infrastructure projects built by unemployed real estate agents and sacked mid-level managers is just what this country needs to get our common ship sinking just a little bit faster. The collapse of America will raise the volume of the waters beneath and will thus lift all previously disadvantaged ships, like North Korea, Cuba, Venezuela, and the new thriving democracies in the Middle East. Our shared sacrifice is good for everybody," Obama said.
"As American president I felt very strongly about destroying the US economy in order to strengthen our position in the world through moral superiority. Now that I have succeeded, I feel even more secure about my reelection in 1012.
"All the leading Harvard-educated economists agree: while there are only so many 'A's in the world, there is also a growing number of morally superior nations in need of those coveted American 'A's in order to borrow money for social engineering projects. Until last week America was still hoarding those 'A's for its own selfish, imperial purposes, but not anymore - and the world is better for it. Thanks to our self-inflicted ethical loss of an 'A', it is finally being put to a good use, filling all those A holes in the more needy parts of the world.
"Competition is a barbaric, insensitive ritual steeped in social Darwinism. We cannot allow the fittest to survive in our society. Because our gain is someone else's loss, being a loser contributes to the common good, while winners take away from it. Therefore, being a winner is unethical, while a society of losers is happy, moral, and prosperous as a strong and organized collective. A progressive world of the future, steeped in diversity, inclusiveness, and collectivism, shall have no winners. Everyone will be a loser, which in our book means ethical team player. And America has just made a big step in that direction, immediately followed by the rest of industrial nations, judging by what's happening with their stock markets.
"So what does America do now after being declared the most ethical loser? I see it is as an opportunity to continue borrowing, printing, and burning cash. A wise Latina once said that when stuck in a hole of debt the best solution is to keep digging until we see our creditors, the Chinese, on the other side.
"You heard me correctly; now that the debt ceiling debate is postponed until I'm out of office, we can spend two trillion or more to finally get your Mom, Dad - even Grandma and Grandpa - out there in the sun building hydroelectric dams, bridges, and high-speed railroads. Just ask any North Korean how awesome it is to show off a hydroelectric dam. Even the official state seal of North Korea happens to be a dam. Likewise, American greatness is best shown in how many dams we can build; how many welfare families we can parade; and how much debt we can accumulate on our Chinese-issued charge cards."
Expanding on President Reagan's dream of America as a "shining city on a hill", Obama formulated his own, improved version of America as a "subsidized city on a regulated hill."
"America needs to build massive concrete monuments on the backs of tubby former real estate agents named Betty! We need Don from accounting or Pete our IT guy out there hauling railroad ties! The kids can get involved too - enlisted into a federally funded program that will teach them the values of back-breaking work and the useful skills of writing reports on Mom and Dad when they turn against our economic policies of shared sacrifice. Well, maybe we can go easy on the back-breaking work and just settle for the reporting part.
"When Congress gets back from recess, I will urge them to make an immediate effort - a bipartisan effort - to burn, shred, drown, catapult, and otherwise obliterate trillions more tax dollars throughout the nation until the 2012 elections, hoping - and I'll say it again - hoping that if they repeat it often enough, they may one day see a different outcome.
"This is what I mean when I say "hope" - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. This is what you voted for in 2008 and will - I hope - vote again in 2012," the president said.
A spectacular real-time illustration of Obama's economic policies was being presented on a jumbo screen in the room, showing the Dow Jones Industrial Average trading down about 400 points before the president spoke, dipping as low as 450 points as he spoke, and then tumbling 600 points after he concluded.
This report is a collective effort by the People's Cube authors on - and especially the illustrious Chairman Punchenko.
Image idea: General Secretary.
Major Mistake says not worth much either!
Who else? Oh, I want to thank my goldfish, Goldie, who, if she'll have me, I would like to propose.
Goldie, will you marry me? YES!? Oh my, I'm the happiest sexual deviant this side of the Rocky Mountains! We can honeymoon at the aquarium! Oh, it will be delightful!
Oh, oh, I also want to thank Laika the Space Dog for beaming progress into my tinfoil hat along with the free HBO and nudie channels. I also want to thank Marshal Pupovich, Commissarka Pinkie, Comrade Otis (he supplied the Hot Pockets), Theocritus (he supplied drugs, money, food stamps, and his skills as a made prog), and Comrade Red Square who has yet denounce me and who always gives a good word on my behalf.
Most importantly, I want to thank the man upstairs. Thank you, President Obama, for suffering daily for us. Thank you for thinking about all of us little apparatchiks while you golf and while you fly Airforce One to Martha's Vineyard. Thank you for working on behalf of the people even while sharing special moments with that thing you call a wife (honestly she doesn't deserve you, and neither do we!) Thank you for the little things you do, like reminding us that Five Guys burgers and fries are for Party elites and not for the fat American everyman. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
The running dogs of imperialism must still be lurking everywhere. So much work to do.