The opportunities seemed unlimited. The headline-writers spent countless nights awash in the pale glow of their monitors, coming up with one brilliant hook after another. But four years of consistent Bush-bashing have eventually exhausted everyone's vocabulary and imagination.
So when George W. Bush was reelected in November of 2004, several pundits sensed that a crisis of creativity would soon plague the media. By the end of the second quarter of this year, the national media hit rock bottom.
"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such a fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds back into the Stone Age in Alaska," says Susan Stein, editor of The Village Voice, a mainstream New York newspaper. "Our paper is getting thinner with every issue. We are now considering running blank pages; we call it a "fill in the blanks" approach. Our readers are extremely educated and knowledgeable; they'll get the point anyway."
Some journalists admit to having been a bit too wasteful and overzealous with their anti-Bush headlines in the past. "I guess we should've saved some for later," says Lenora Calhoun, a New York Times reporter. "The well is dry," she continues, "but who knew the idiot would get reelected? We had a lot of fun with headlines during his first term, though. Lots of good memories."
As a result, the once elaborate and artistic headlines in the papers are being commonly replaced today by such bland and meaningless titles as "Bush is Bush" and the rather implausible "Bush Eats Condors For Breakfast." Such weak efforts will fool only the most gullible part of the Democratic constituency. No wonder subscriptions are dropping rapidly across the country.
"It was a time bomb," agrees Fatima Shah, who works in the same room with Lenora. "I think Karl Rove planned it all from the very beginning. Now who is the real terrorist here? Hey! Didn't I just come up with a good headline! Gotta get back to my desk. There's a Pulitzer Prize with my name on it."
You neglect to mention the resourcefullness of our left hand (the media of course)!
A prime example is the photoshopped Bush picture above! The Village Voice (always in the lead with such innovations) has been running through an unlimited supply of imagery (e.g. Bush as vampire, Bush as Peanut, Bush as Octopus, Bush as a Bush (the shrub that is -- it was a slow week), Bush as Hitler (a crowd favorite), Bush as a pig, Bush as a snail, Bush as a masculine American male (the worst of all) etcetera!
Do not underestimate our native pamphliteers! The "blank page innovation" of the Village Voice is also quite impressive! I believe they now sell imaginary advertising on those pages. After all, while escort ads pay well, they do not make the collective solvent. The imaginary income is then factored into the operating budget. A Village Voice reporter now makes 12,000 Kopeks a quarter, and an additional one million "Voicebucks" (not to be confused with i.o.u.'s which can be redeemed) per annum!
In particular, I can guarantee that the Op-Ed page, as long as I am there, will tell The Truth.
Did I say that the Times if prohibitively expensive? That, too, is a consequence of Bush. His tax cuts have been a transfer of wealth from the unemployed to the rich. And since the rich control the poor and the minorities, there has been a deficit of liquid preference options beyond the incremental inflection points. This was not an issue under the guidance of Jimmy Carter, but it is most treacherous in 2005.
"Trivial", as we say in the Princeton Faculty Lounge.
HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS
NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944) Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more were wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops. Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated, and that reaction against the American invasion was running high.
"We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."
The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, thus threatening the species with extinction. A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at thedestruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought," said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed."
Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded, said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows that President Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer'," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."
Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb". Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before, and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored, but so far this remains unproven.
Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion, and French officials are concerned that the uncollected corpses will pose a public-health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don't intend to help clean it up."
What do you expect? Parody and Satire are both located in the Humor section of the library and we all know there is no Humor section in the Liberal Library.
Wow! 5 posts after almost three years!
Not exactly the most popular topic ever posted at TPC.
Who's next? The NYT for the Warsaw Ghetto parody? Now that was popular!
William Mildred Farnsworth Higgenbottom Pius Gaines IX Esq. must laughing his ass off up in cartoonist heaven because he knew there was no honor among thieves. Satire and parody was his life's work. Somebody call Senator Kefauver! Whoops, he's dead too!
How pitiful and typical at the same time.
Don't you love the bright red Soviet flag in the background? For some reason they cropped out the hammer and sickle and the golden fringes.
And is she progressive enough to let Chairman be Chairman?
Don't give up....Hint: Look for his signature at the bottom of the tree.
Felt like a Russian? Meowsevich, you're just what she's looking for!
Sometimes I feel like a big boobed Swedish nymphomaniac. One time I felt like a gay limo driver. As Andrew Dice Clay once said "it all depends on the coin toss".
Pardon my n00bness, but how on earth did you discover this image of our love child?
If you Peoples™ people here are going to make me LMAO every post....at least replace the toilet paper for the next guy.
Damn cracker bear...........Schwartzer lion bait
Ooops, I shit my pants again.
Maybe we should go back to the old days of newspapers, corncobs, and leaves--after they've fallen to the ground dead, of course.
If The MTE or The Magic Change Guy is elected I'm sure everything will be so much better...just because they say so.
It's a real drag...I'm so busy now working my beet farm bones to dust I don't even have time nor energy to post! Electing a liberal, I'm sure, will bring the relief I need to sit home more and enjoy whats really important in life: Ya'll's sense of humor!