"With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska."
The program has drawn criticism from NARAL and Planned Parenthood who have seen business plummet as more and more pregnant women are keeping their babies to trade in for gas. But for child welfare officials shrinking families mean less workload, so they are turning a blind eye to the practice.
There have been a few protests, organized mostly by angry white men who claimed that the Kids-4-Gas program is discriminatory. "Mexicans and South Americans have way more kids than us to trade in," explained local pickup driver Chuck Williams. "And they also drive minivans that burn less gas than our pickups." The protest was soon joined by many of the city's single male drivers who suddenly felt at a huge disadvantage "on account of being unable to bear children."
Help came unexpectedly from local Gay & Lesbian Lawyers Association who filed a class action lawsuit against the city for encouraging heterosexual families of "breeders" while excluding the vast non-breeding sections of the city's population, thus causing them never before known stress and anxiety.
"Our membership is dwindling," complained GLLA spokesperson. "Many of us are forced to go through a painful process of rethinking our sexual identities. Some have already given up the progressive mode of gayness and lesbianism, regressing into heterosexuality and joining the deviant, backward breeders."
A settlement proposed by the City would require families with an unfairly large amount of children to share them with the non-breeding comunity to ensure a fair and equal distribution of values.
Despite the conflicting views and opinions, most Los Angelinos agree that the rising gas prices are all Bush's fault and welcome any solution as long as it doesn't contain words "drill," "for," and "oil." Thanks to the new program, quantities of less stressed-out moms can once again enjoy the pleasures of driving their VWs and BMWs adorned with bumper stickers that say, No drilling in ANWAR! and Save Polar Bears!
As long as there are cars on the road, the gas prices are too low. Turning in children for gas is fine (dropping them into a Goodwill box is also acceptable), but we need to keep taxing and taxing so that profits AND driving fall to zero.
Garfield explains oil prices .