The flag-waving U.S. traditionalists suffered yet another setback in the so-called "culture wars" last week, when a group of recording artists announced that they had produced a new Spanish-language version of "The Star- Spangled Banner."
Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place.
In the works is a Hispanic alternative to the Declaration of Independence, called El Declaración de la Independencia. Written by none other than Tomas Jefésoña, El Declaración fervently calls for naturalized Latinos to burn their greencards and join their undocumented counterparts in open rebellion against the oppressive, imperial government of King George XLIII (Gringos Rex). Notable signatories to the missive include Juan Hanchocas, Juan Adamez, and Benjamín Francos. Because of the bold size of Juan Hanchocas' signature, a popular new expression has entered the vernacular in relation to the signing of official documents, as in: "All we need is your Juan Hanchocas here, here, and here, and, oh, sorry, right here, too, and then we're done."
Historians are also getting into the act, adapting and reworking some of America's most iconic stories to better suit a Spanish-speaking audience. A book about Jorge Washíntonez and his famous crossing of the Rio Grande, and his equally famous recrossing of that river to bring money back to Mexico, has just been released and is receiving rave reviews from the postmodern literati. Soon to follow is an account of the transcontinental adventures of explorers Luís and Clarcos.
Lovers of fiction will not be disappointed either. The works of Ernesto Hemíngueros are being repackaged and updated to appeal to our brothers and sisters from south of the border. In For Whom the Bell Tolls, for instance, a group of Latino nationalists plans to bring down the fast food giant, Taco Bell, for corrupting and denigrating Mexican culture.
The music and film industries are also receiving a touch of Hispanicization. New recordings by Jorge Gerschwindez and Luis Armstronguaros are already available online at Latunes.com, a site popular in undocumented worker communities. As for the silver screen, hundreds of classic movies are being digitally remastered, giving new life to such legendary stars as Marlíndo Brandos, Jaime Stewarto, Juan Waynendez, and Katarina Hepburna.
All that remains is a new "translation" of the US Constitution - one that smoothes out the rough parts, making it more intelligible and accessible for new Spanish-speaking citizens. The Constitutions of Mexico, Venezuela, and especially Cuba are reportedly being consulted for inspiration.
muchoo brilliant cube!
Don't you mean Jose Jimenez? Or is this crowd to young to remember him?
José can ju sí, por la Cerveza Light?
Juan con mierdo aquí, el trabajador's swimmin'.
Cujo's dientes are sharp
Tras la peligrosa noche,
sobre el río we cross
con el minuto men waiting.
Y los raquetas muy roja glare.
todas las bombas en el aíre.
Made fools of el Left,
cuando we pasa por el estraique.
José does not el Gringo flag yet burn muy well?
En la tierra del Chimichanga, and El Taco de Bell?
I got this in an e-mail from my mother, may God bless her. It seems that erasable cartoon character, lovable old Maxine (She hates everything) has solved the problems of the immigration fence, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida:
1- Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
2- Send dirt to New Orleans to raise level of the levies
3- Put FL alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
So simple, yes? and Maxine knows the real reason we can't post the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.....it creates a hostile work environment
BTW- Happy Bill of Rights Day!
Always knew deep down that my parents were smarter than me....I should have listened more often.
Moving to Mexico
Dear Obama, Senators and Representatives,
I'm planning to move my family and extended family (in 18-20 months) into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not
3. All Mexican government forms need to also be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U.S. Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
U.S. Citizen and taxpayer