Government Shutdown Averted: Bad News, Good News

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The compromise achieved Friday night to avoid government shutdown spells both good news and bad news for the progressive movement.

The bad news is that a record $40 billion will no longer be at our disposal at the Central Planning Committee, and the Democrats will not be able to blame the Republicans for the hardships that, regretfully, the working families will not endure.

Such is the hard lesson in the permanent disorder of Washington's politics.

But there's also the good news:

  • The hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without delay, to write letters kindly asking citizens to "pay their fair share."
  • Uninterrupted federal funding to Planned Parenthood means the abortionist's scalpel will not lie idle as another fetus escapes its rightful fate.
  • Trans fats will not go unregulated as a nation hurtles towards massive heart failure.
  • Four-year-olds will not be permitted to purchase deadly Happy Meals and plunder McDonalds without government oversight.
  • The motherly Betty-Crocker-type ladies at the DMV will still be able to decide how long the grateful citizens must wait for their paperwork to be processed.
  • Teary-eyed children will not be turned away from museum displays, as teachers will be taking them on school trips to see crosses dipped in urine.
  • The vigilant government will continue to fail at protecting the southern border, allowing a mass invasion of undocumented aliens. That will cost local governments billions in healthcare and education, overburdening the system in strict compliance with the plan devised by Cloward and Piven.

The above good news has been transmitted over the phone to yours truly by Comrade General Secretary. Feel free to add your own bits of good news that he may have missed.



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The bad news is, just when I am turning the age of unaccountability and able to draw Medicare and Social Security, the Right is pulling the rug out from under me. I have a cataract to remove, eyelids to lift and several other assorted improvements planned as a Medicare Celebration. The good news is I should not worry, knowing the pace at which Congress moves, I should be fine.
I believe we have seen the worst of this anyway. The Tea Party is back to work and no longer a threat. Let's face it, these people have no other source of income besides jobs and business. I almost feel sorry for them. It's like taking candy from a baby. But hey, the People need their share so no regrets.



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Commisarika Pinkie,

How many times does Dear Leader have to solve the same problem?

It has already been explained that if people will inflate their car tires properly and get a tune up at least every year. This "crisis" will go away.



"What does this mean?" What it means, Comrade Warden, is that we need to get busy killing off these 6 million old folks and turn them all into loyal Democrat voting necro-Americans. Only in this way can those pesky videos of Comrade Nanski making these statements be used against the evil Rethuglicans, for once in the intertubewebs, always in the intertubewebs. We have no memory hole to make those videos disappear. The big upside to this solution is that at least 20% of those 6 million old geezers are registered as Republicans. There is no better way to turn a Republican to a Democratic than to make them assume room temperature.



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$2 billion? That's peanuts to a Democrat. They spend more money than that before getting out of bed in the morning.