It's funny, you were my hero 3 years ago. But now Reagan is. Congratulations anyway. I've been waiting 52 years for this.
Barack, you had me worried there for a while, dissing me like you did. But you came through, my brother. God damn America!
-Rev. Jeremiah Wright
A man after my own heart. Just keep going – by the time enough Americans catch on they'll be in chains, anyway. Sure, Cass Susteins' a Jew - but then, so was Reinhart Heydrich. And I love that Jeffery Imelt.
Comrade, between you and I, we both know you are a mere puppet, enabled by greater men and their instrumentalities. Nonetheless, I compliment you on your success.
I agree with Stalin. If we Nazis had the benefit of your media bias, Lindbergh would have been president.
This tumor in my ass is killing me, literally, so please excuse my subdued thanks. Whatever you do, don't listen to Michael Moore and go to a Cuban doctor.
When you retire to Saudi Arabia, ask about my old place – I think it's still vacant.
-Idi Amin, His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.
Mr. Obama, where were you 2006 when I needed you?
I'm so happy with your commitment to reducing America to ashes that my anger at watching you take credit for my books has almost dissipated.
Congratulations. Remember, children will kill for you without hesitation. With that GIVE Act law in play, you are half-way there.
Barack, you are truly the retarded son I never had. With you being president of the United States, even at my age, I believe I will relive the glory of my days working with the Nazis.
Gotta love ya: for a clean black guy, you sure know how to act like a dirty black guy.
Great work, Mr. President. We're half-way there. And I'm serious about the Arab spring thing.
Iran salutes you. You are the mother of all traitors.
- Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
And to think America gave me a hard time for posing behind a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun. Anyway, fuck America.
I schtupped everyone in Hollywood, and everyone who is anyone in Washington. But I'd turn lesbian before I'd have sex with you.
Now we need a dictatorship to know what the new constitution will be.
Perhaps you did top my attack on 9/11. But when I see you in hell, I'll never let you forget you were too big a pussy to pull the trigger on me, and Leon Panetta had to do it for you. But tell Joseph Biden thanks for the tip of just who those bastards were who shot me, because we could have never known which chopper they were on when we shot them down last week.
-Osama bin Laden
All that posturing by wrestling with bears, tigers, shooting things and running around half-naked for nothing - I could have stayed in bed and America would have been destroyed! I can't thank you enough! I thought Hillary Clinton was a moron, but you? You did not disappoint.
Confucius says: “Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.” You, Mr. Obama, have a mind without even a bathroom night light. When you bowed before me, I could only dream you could be as big a fool as the one you made of yourself. Thus, a thousand thank yous for doing what we could only dream of doing to America with all our atomic bombs.
- Hu Jintao, President, People's Republic of China
-Benjamin Netanyau, Prime Minister of Israel
Amazing work. I hereby grant you permission to call yourself “Deal Leader II.”
Thank you and Mr. Holder for the guns. I sent a couple of kilos as a gift
- Joaquín Guzmán, Mexican Drug Lord
Barack, for the second time in my adult life, I am proud of my country. I promise to keep taking Gas-X.
Every single time I start to do a picture, without fail, I feel as if I don't know what I'm doing. Same, when I open my mouth. So I'll be brief...
If we talk about the environment, for example, we have to talk about environmental racism. If we look at Houston, which is a very environmentally toxic place, we find that it has one of the highest levels of young men going to prison and also among the highest levels of illiteracy in the country. And how about the fact that kids in South Central Los Angeles have a third of the lung capacity of kids in Santa Monica. Believe me, I know – I measured everyone myself. But enough of me. Congratulations on breaking whitey.
Fascism is fascism. Terrorism is terrorism. Oppression is oppression. Incompetence is incompetence.
Hey man, after that “celebrity pledge” video Demi and I did for you, you pull this? What's the S&P, anyway? Is it a supermarket?
I am an artist, art has no color and no sex. Especially no sex. Now, I don't really view communism as a bad thing, but you're fucking with my retirement stocks.
After doing One Fine Day and playing a pediatrician on ER, I'll never have kids. I'm going to have a vasectomy. And so is America, by the time you're through.
I think we all have light and dark inside us. But you man – you're making even me look good, even after that whole Katrina thing. Also, I'm not a breakfast eater. But enough of me. Jam it to S&P: they probably don't pay enough in taxes.
Watching you take down the corporate fat cats today – it just made the hair on my back stand up straight.
I know you're probably still sad about my breaking up with Tim, but let me assure you, your work in destroying the US economy has not gone unnoticed.
The people are sheep. They like Bush enough to credit him with saving the nation after 9/11. Three thousand people get killed, and everybody thinks they're next on the list. The president comes along, and he's got his six-guns strapped on, and people think he's going to save them. Then you come along, and run around, bowing to the whole fucking world. I think I miss Bush.
Like I told Hugo Chavez: if you have a tumor up your ass, no one busts it out better than those Cubans. Or is that cigar rolling? Well, personally, I would have gone to Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York. But great work cutting the knees out from under the US economy.
I remember meeting your and your wife back in 2008 as I worked the phone banks for you. Man, is she fat. Does she still fart a lot? You were okay, but she made hanging in the green room seem like an eternity.
-Sarah Jessica Parker
It's hard to put my thoughts together being this stoned on heroin, but I can say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive. (But I heard they're gone. Is this true?) This is about hating a black man in the White House. (Or is it a white man in the Black House? I forget.) When Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. Except in Communist U.S.S.R, where they hated Jews. Like you, when I see the American flag or a good US credit rating, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.' I look forward to meeting you and your wife again. Look, she farts like she has a jet engine up her ass, so don't think I'm rude if I don't get in an elevator with you two.
Congratulations on the S&P thing. You know, I'm still in Kyrgyzstan, per your orders, working with President Otunbayeva on fertilizer and compost issues. It's been three months. How long do I have to stay here, anyway? I'll be a traitor, too!
At least for me personally, I've always tried to do a really good job every day, with each interview, and treat each interview seriously, and make the person I'm speaking with feel comfortable, hopefully make it an ideal experience, unless they're a Republican. You keep up your end, and I'll keep up mine. Congratulations on the S&P downgrade.
-Katie Couric, CBS “news reporter”
Follow what you are genuinely passionate about and let that guide you to your destination. Communism, totalitarianism, whatever. Great questions make great reporting. Aren't you glad I never asked you any?
-Diane Sawyer, ABC “news reporter”
Trust me, you'll be impeached before 2012.
As I said this morning in our strategy meeting this morning, don't let the lack of fawning press get you down. Just keep thinking: What would Hitler do?
-George Stephanoplis, ABC “news “reporter”
It is time for the United States, as the sole recognized intermediary, to consider more forceful action for peace. The rest of the world will welcome this leadership. Being the attack on Libya worked out so well, you should consider attacking Israel next. Congratulations on the S&P downgrade.
-Wolf Blitzer, CNN Anchor
I know I once said about you that I felt a thrill going up my leg. Well, after the S&P downgrade, I can feel you cupping my balls.
I hate America. I hate it. I have no idea why. Do you?
Oh boy! Congratulations!
The S&P downgrade will lessen global warming, yet will raise the Arab spring. You are a true American hero.
Congratulations on the S&P downgrade. For your good work, I volunteer to care for your children for 30 days.
And here I was worried people knew my ass was fake...
That's the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it. Considering the state of my 401(k), I've been thinking about you...
-Anderson Cooper, CNN correspondent
Low interest rates and cheap credit also cause people to act foolishly or greedily. So do low gas prices, low food prices, low taxes, and the availability of jobs and housing. Fortunately, America has you to ensure these things are gone for the foreseeable future. Warmest congratulations on the S&P downgrade.
-Fareed Zakaria, Time Magazine contributor and America hater
Copyright 2011 Robert Fine
This may go without saying, but I have to say it: We're in big trouble!
Your mockery of these people above indicates that you do not from second to second enter another Brave New World, and the attitudes of the past mean nothing.
So don't go being logical with me. I'm Father Prog Theocritus and I know shit when I smell it.
And if it's not mine, it STINKS.
What suggesteth ye all on the retribution that should be exacted upon these defilers of the Holy Name of Marxammad and his Vice-Chairman on Earth Imam Al-Akbar Hussein Soetoro II SWT?!
I do believe that dear Barry Sotero will be enshrined on the Wall of Socialism. It will replace the Vietnam Memorial in the Mall; after all, who needs the names of people who died for their country, when we can worship the names of people who stole our country's wealth and freedom?
One honors people who fought for American and Mr. Sotero and Stalin and Mao et al are people who loathe America and since dear Lord Obozo is bigger than America, and a good deal more important--ask him--then he ought to honor him.
Because we're socialists.
How is it in your household? When all the socialists in my household get together, we lock the doors, drop to all fours, and sniff each other's asses.