Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States.
The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.
The ingenious device, soon to be available at Wal-Mart stores everywhere, resembles a dartboard that is connected to the local power grid. A network of industrial-strength generators will also be installed in public places, where frustrated environmental activists and other volunteers of the progressive persuasion, who are impatient with the slow advancement of the planet-friendly socialist utopia, can selflessly contribute to the saving of the planet by generating free, clean energy for the common good.
Laboratory studies have shown a significant increase in the production of the common good when People Power is coupled with crack cocaine and other energy-enhancement drugs.
People Power is not just renewable - it is a virtual eternal engine. The more capitalist prosperity it generates, the more anxiety and revolutionary vigor it produces in the haters of Western consumerism. The more energy they discharge to the power grid, the more capitalist prosperity they help create, and so on.
In a field experiment conducted in New York's Times Square, a group of street activists who had gathered to protest War for Oil at the local recruitment center, were also made to watch the famous gigantic neon-light blaze of capitalist advertising that floods the location. Within three minutes, hatred of corporations and consumerism had driven the activists into such a frenzy that their individual People Power Generators alone produced enough electricity to power the Times Square electrical circuit, allowing scientists to unplug it from the city grid without anyone noticing the difference.
In another experiment, a test group of 20 Code Pink activists outside the New York Stock Exchange building had been unwittingly powering the work of all NYSE operations throughout the entire day.
Armed with this technology, progressive college campuses will no longer require external power lines. Experts have calculated that university libraries, auditoriums, and sit-ins are already generating enough anti-capitalist sentiment to light up a city like Columbus, OH, or Berkeley, CA. - the energy that is currently wasted on heated debates that result in the spreading of the theory.
The extraction of this revolutionary vigor will not only make campuses independent from polluting power plants - it will also allow students to improve their grades and focus more on the scientific aspects of Marxist dialectical materialism.
The smallest unit of people's energy is called "Che." 1,000 Ches make one Mao. 1000 Maos make one Lenin.
Halliburton researchers are already working on the next generation of People Power technology that will extract raw people's energy into a device that looks like a tinfoil hat. Dubbed "Portable People Power Extractors," they will be capable of transmitting up to 60 Ches per minute to the nearest power grid for conversion into electricity.
Housed in a secret underground facility, the testing extraction laboratory is adorned with vintage Stalinist posters. Speakers are playing invigorating revolutionary music by Joan Baez, Pearl Jam, Rage Against The Machine, and the Soviet Red Army Choir. A dozen volunteer donors, wearing tinfoil hat transmitters, sit around reading "The New York Times," or browse Internet sites like and . The combined transmitted energy of 200 Maos is enough to power the nearby Wal-Mart store. No animal testing has ever been conducted here. According to scientists, animals do not get nearly as excited when they hear such phrases as "global warming," "American imperialism," or " Dennis Kucinich." But all donors agree that the extraction process eventually makes them feel better about themselves and the world at large.
Power to the people! Crack cocaine is optional.
dissident agitator #96
Chumpky's will be so proud...
Imagine the power we can generate if we can get the peasants at Democratic Underground to utilize this excellent invention!
Che Baabaabooie the hero for the masses!!!!
I suggest we harness the hot air coming out of professors mouths in all the liberal colleges and universities in Western Civilization. We could run the hot air through a turbine and distribute power to the whole planet. Why Ward Churchill alone could provide enough power to light up San Francisco and Boulder! As a matter of fact, I think he has!