So is Osama bin Laden dead or alive? On January 19, 2006, Al-Jazeera provided another clue, airing a purportedly from bin Laden, who offered the U.S. a truce, while also threatening to strike again.
CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio. Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements.
Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source.
Miss Courvoisier, the self-described High Priestess of Ishtar in the Temple of the Sacred Harlots of Brooklyn, New York, has a long-standing reputation as an exhaustive researcher and thorough fact-checker.
Her psychic booth is strategically located between the boardwalk and a liquor store on Coney Island, where she practices necromancy from noon to 8pm seven days a week. The back room contains a Yamaha audio recording ministudio. The sign over the entrance says, "We speak Spanish and Russian."
Exclusive Interview With Bin Laden's Psychic
PC: Do you also speak Arabic?
Miss Courvoisier: Do I look like a translator to you? The deceased, you know, speak in all kinds of languages, especially Spanish. But I only speak English - translation costs extra.
PC: How come your tape wound up at Al-Jazeera first?
Miss Courvoisier: It didn't. After I recorded it in November, I gave it to my regular client, who's a strategist at the Democratic National Committee. She said she'd pass it on the right people - and what do you know - the next day Jack Murtha gives a speech and recites half of the tape word for word. Then Howard Dean goes on record and recites the other half. I've been hearing excerpts of it on TV all month - the Senate Democrats ripped it off as if there's no tomorrow, long before Al-Jazeera even knew about it.
PC: How did it get from there to Qatar? Is there a DNC leak of sorts?
Miss Courvoisier: Not really. I gave a copy of the tape to Abdul, who sells liquor next door. He must have passed it around.
PC: Why didn't bin Laden choose to go to a Muslim necromancer?
Miss Courvoisier: Where he's from, necromancy is not allowed. People get killed for that. So all those Muslim spirits, if they want to communicate, fly to the West on account of laxer policies on summoning the dead.
PC: But why did he choose you, a US citizen, and an enemy infidel?
Miss Courvoisier: Death changes people. The astral is a lonely place, so they often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their politics. Besides, he's got unfinished business to take care of.
PC: What kind of unfinished business?
Miss Courvoisier: It's about the way he died. He'd been sitting in his cave, half-dead from diarrhea, when a US bomb hit and blew the remaining crap out of him. So the biggest question on his mind right now is what really killed him. Was it the bomb? If so, he died a hero and a martyr. Or was it the dysentery? If so, let's just say there won't be 72 virigins waiting for him. In his culture it's a raw deal, but who are we to judge his culture?
PC: The transcript doesn't mention that.
Miss Courvoisier: It's where he speaks of digging trenches and eating dirt. The translators have totally missed the point. He's looking for answers, and the answer lies with the US Armed Forces. So naturally he's asking for a truce.
PC: Did you ask him questions on intelligence? Names, locations, phone numbers?
Miss Courvoisier: I can't force spirits to answer questions they don't like. That'll give my aura a bad vibe in the astral and thwart future attempts at contact. One must block out all political affiliations and show no hint of bias when communing with spirits. We necromancers are very similar in that respect to ACLU lawyers and CNN reporters .
PC: Would it be possible to wiretap a psychic session?
Miss Courvoisier: I'm not answering that. We've got enough problems with the NSA's domestic surveillance. If the word gets out that the NSA might be listening in to my conversations with the dead, I may lose all credibility with my customers. All I can say is that there has been no recent increase in "chatter" among the dead terrorists apart from the welcoming messages to new arrivals. They just keep on coming!
PC: How did your contact with bin Laden happen and what did you experience?
Miss Courvoisier: It was electrifying. I started with the pendulum and then switched to the Ouija board to get a conversation going. He entered my body and spoke into the microphone. The residual energy made my skin tingle for a week!
PC: Tell us about your tools of the trade.
Miss Courvoisier: Tarot cards have always worked for me, but on occasion I also use a Ouija board or pendulum. Then there's all this audio equipment. I tried video, but even these new megapixel cameras aren't sensitive enough for that. Audio, on the other hand, can be captured with only a built-in mic on any boombox.
PC: US officials did mention that the quality of this new bin Laden's tape was much better than the one from November, 2004.
Miss Courvoisier: You bet. In 2004, I used my daughter's Pink Kitty boombox. Not this time. See this? It's a Yamaha's Audio Workstation with a hard disk recorder, DVD burner, sweepable high-pass filter, compressor/limiter, and phase inversion - all simultaneously operable! This 16-track, 44-channel, 24-bit, standalone digital ministudio includes mixing, automation, sampling, 2 levels of velocity switching, room for up to 7 PCM expansion boards, 96 MB of sample RAM, and 256 MB of waveform data. Its dynamics processing and parametric EQ...
PC: That's quite enough, we get the picture.
Miss Courvoisier: Quite a bang for the buck, right?
PC: Is there anything else that you would like to tell our readers?
Miss Courvoisier: Whatever you do, never try to summon bin Laden's spirit at home, especially if you are prone to hysteria or have an untrained mind. Thank you.
Unless the virgins are male and gay.
Uncle Sam Rayburn
He met James Madision who kicked him in the stones.
He met Robert E. Lee, who kicked him in the stones.
He met George Washington, who kicked him in the stones.
He met Patrick Henry, who kicked him in the stones.
He met Stonewall Jackson, who kicked him in the stones.
Osama asked "Allah, why is this happening?"
Allah answered. "These are some of your 72 Virginians. Did you think I said something else?"
It's similar to how you play a country song backwards - first you get out of jail, then you stop drinking, then you get your girl back, your dog survives the fire, you get a job and a house, you win big in Vegas, and you live happily thereafter with the girl and the dog in that nice little house of yours.
With progressive bands it's a similar concept, only when you play their songs backwards the story is about how America is a free country where people have the opportunity to pursue happiness, how it treats everyone fairly, and only someone with a twisted mind of a spoiled brat, or a distorted perspective of a Marxist, of a brain-dead terrorist could hate this country for what it is. It's called hatred of the good for being the good. But some Americans understand what's at stake here, and so they don't sit idly and go out and kick the terrorist and the Marxist butt.
The backwardness described in the above example is the opposite of progress. But this is what you get if you play progressive rock backwards.
Any of the graphic-oriented comrades wants to make an illustration? It would have to be a good one to match this instant classic.
And you thought all I could do was hit people with my shovel.