Referring to her recent statement that a terror attack between now and the next election would help the Republicans, Bin Laden bitterly responds, "We'll commit an act of terror any time we damn well please."
"But we want a Democrat president as much as you do," Bin Laden continues, suggesting that al-Qaeda might, after all, adhere to Mrs. Clinton's directive and lay off the terror shortly after the primaries, when the main candidates have been selected and the election starts in earnest.
Bin Laden further implies that Hillary's words were, in fact, a coded message to the terrorists, delivered by her friends in the mainstream press in order to get a Democrat elected president. "I know all about coded messages in the media," Bin Laden writes. "Just as [Mrs. Clinton] has her friends at CBS, we have our friends at Al Jazeera."
In clarifying another matter, Bin Laden used more than a page to state that while he had indeed enhanced the color of his beard as shown in his latest video, he did not do so using western methods. Rather he used a Yemeni technique called al machbahad, a dark-brown rinse made of boiled currents and camel dung applied twice daily with a comb. This concoction is now readily available in the mountain caves of Pakistan. "It's a very very old family recipe," he asserts.
"Let me turn to that Osama Bin Laden tape. I want to show it. He seemed to be taunting the Democrats for not stopping the war. He said, 'The Democrats haven't made a move worth mentioning. On the contrary they continue to agree to the spending of tens of billions of dollars to continue the killing and the war there.' Now, is it true that there are more troops in Iraq today than when Democrats were elected last November to control Congress? Is that a failure?"
KERRY: We don't have 60 votes, George. No, I don't think it's a failure. We have changed the policy. We've already changed direction. We've had these revaluations taking place. We've had an accountability that never existed in the last years. And obviously that's what elections are about, and 2008 will be about it. Osama Bin Laden's tape is testimony to one thing, the failure of this administration to capture and kill him, the failure at Tora Bora and the failure subsequently.
Well, I think Cardboard Kerry answered Bin Laden with the same courage that he displayed in Nam and in the Congress!
If that is indeed the case, the party will be pleased to have another strong back on which to foist the universal people's tool, the mighty shovel of equality. Dress warm.
In order to purge yourself of your capitalist heritage, do the following as soon as possible:
1. Go to Starbucks and buy ten sacks of fair-trade coffee.
2. Purchase a copy of Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth" and watch it 100 times within a week.
3. Call every one of your friends and relatives and tell them that the Bushitler is the greatest threat to peace the world has ever known.
4. Sell your house and donate the money to the campaign of our beloved Empress.
5. Go to your daughter's school in Oregon, attend an anti-American demonstration, and publicly confess your sins to the crowd. At first they may mock and deride you, but then they will accept you into the fold on behalf of the Party. This will be a crucial cleansing process for you.
6. Snitch on at least three colleagues who are engaging in thought crimes, such as murmurs of dissatisfaction over the company's new Diversity policy.
Report back to us on your progress. Good luck, and may Hegel be with you.
1. Donate what remains of the right-thinking, progressive daughter's college fund to the Party; after we win there will be free education for all levels from preschool to a Ph.D for all. Since it is nothing more than the filthy lucre of capitalist exploitation, she will undoubtedly cheer as the check is written.
2. If she does ot cheer, denounce her to the nearest People's Commissar as a revisionist Trotskiite educational kulak. Or just string together a set of vaguely related Party-approved perjoratives in random order (the way her major professor did to get the Ph.D.) and denounce her for being one of them. And take away her Che T-shirt.
3. Fill out an application for a Party Organ Donor Card (see previous posts on HillaryCare for details). I know who to talk to to get you to front of the line for a brain jar. While you're there, go ahead and fill out the family plan for the PODC; they'll thank you for it when they get those first carbon credits!
4. Attend any Rethuglican political function. When the keynote speaker begins, start chanting "LI-AR, LI-AR, LI-AR" in a cracked and off-key warble. When the inevitable Bushitler Gestapo goons arrive to escort you out, fall limp to the ground and start screaming incoherently. Bonus points if you can manage to loose control of your bladder in the process. (Thanks to our fellow travellers at Code Pink for this highly effective and dignified debating tool.)
And to answer your question, yes. And they are glorious to behold.
Comrade FTPNews, one quibble with the caption on the initially centered picture; Osama's quip is off. "You sent me a coded message, Hillary. So who did you expect to see - George Clooney?" is far too Jewish sounding and Lenin forbid that our Muslim brethren in the struggle to oppress women throughout the world for the good of the collective should be made to sound Jewish.
Perhaps the caption should read "I do not acknowledge filthy, unveiled females!" or perhaps "no infidel woman rubs me that way and lives!"