A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
The continents rest on massive tectonic plates. Until the beginning of the Industrial Revolution in the mid 18th century, these plates were fixed in place and immobile. However, drilling for oil and mining for minerals has cut these plates loose from their primordial moorings and left them to drift aimlessly. "The potential for damage is truly catastrophic," said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental Drift (IPCD). "The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos by next Tuesday." The representative seemed close to tears during his announcement, a clear indicator of the severity of the threat.
The IPCD bureaucracy has gone even further, proposing immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates and Europe be paid to the governments of non-industrial nations. "These non-industrial nations will be hardest hit by the looming catastrophe. No right-thinking scientist can question that," pronounced Brinker after composing himself. "On one coast they will see increased surf levels on their beaches as their continents accelerate, while on the opposite coast the flow turbulence will wipe out entire ecologically appropriate semi-neolithic fishing villages." These villages, it must be pointed out, are the primary raisers of children. Only massive infusions of industrial-nation cash can avert these effects.
China and India will be exempted from these indemnities; as non-European nations they have automatic victim-status and thus cannot be held accountable for ACD, despite their industrial economies. South Korea and Japan, as nominal allies of the United States, however, will be subjected to the same penalties as their allies. If the measure is passed by the United Nations, all penalty monies will be paid into the IPCD General Fund, which will cover the continuing study of ACD and disburse funds to deserving member states.
"Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North America plows toward Asia," explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. "What's more, millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them."
This widening of the Atlantic is taking place at an astounding rate, according to indisputable IPCD scientific data. Today it costs almost a third again as much to fly an Air France jet from New York to Paris than it did in 1997, a clear indicator that the ocean has indeed increased in size in the past decade. Surface shipping rates have likewise increased dramatically.
"This is a clear and reliable indicator of the speed of ACD," said Passapotapissalong, "much more so than the global positioning satellite data often cited by 'Continental Drift Deniers.' The GPS system was, after all, originally created by the US military to enhance their empire-building program, and we all know who controls the US military." He paused at this point and pulled his ears out to each side, a clear reference to the ape-like countenance of the American president.
"Although these so-called 'scientists' claim that there is no GPS data to support the rapid widening of the Atlantic Ocean, they are all employees of American corporations or have been paid to falsify their data by the American government. Air France fuel costs are a much more reliable indicator of distance flown." He added that he and his right-thinking colleagues had "nothing to gain" by presenting their findings, pointing out that their stipends, expenses and salaries were drawn from the IPCD General Fund, not corporate or government grants.
Representatives from all continents will converge on the last geologically stable point on earth, the Island of Oahu, later this month for the "First International Conference on Anthropogenic Continental Drift." Organizers stress that the location, despite being part of the United States, was chosen solely due to its geological stability and that the venue has nothing to do with climate, accommodations, or the availability of private jet hanger space.
"We are here to decide the fate of the planet," said Brinker. "After a tough day of negotiations, it is essential that delegates have a stable beach to stroll, a cocktail lounge that isn't bouncing around due to continental whiplash, and ladies of negotiable affection whose balance has not been affected by sudden surges of continental acceleration. Without these, we might make some crazy decisions."
Enormous popularity of this story on the Internet prompted us to create a special graphic for sale. Now available on and .
We have the text already (must be revised for the petition text). Any volunteers to do it on as we once did it with ? That one got 149 Total Signatures!
Setting it up is really easy. I just don't have time for it right now.
It was Big Oil and evil Western Capitalist Industrialists who slaughtered the Dinosaurs for our "fossil fuels"* (Note, even Russian scientists believe "fossil fuels" are created from deep inside the Earth and not by dead dinos/plants, but hey, the "fossil fuel" idea sells)!!!
It is these evil capitalists who conspired eons ago, or maybe time traveled, to kill all life on Earth and use the dead biomass to create wealth for themselves now.
No need to worry that this is convoluted and completely impossible comrades. For if the Party declares it "truth" then our sheeple will follow it in the Church of Gore!
We must do it for the Polar Bear Children!!!!!!
(Many thanks to the propaganda and graphics directorate for the excellent illustrations they have provided.)
I was way too young for the Global Cooling Crisis; missed the Gulfstream on the Crisis (I wanted to see An Incovenient Truth, but my date insisted on seeing Curious George so he could get a free yellow hat with his bucket of popcorn); but by Lenin's beard! I mean to get in on the ground floor with this Crisis!
At last! My life has a purpose.
Notice I included the Evil Rovian Time Machine in my theories to cover such an eventuality.
Just no more yellow hat guys okay. But if any upset you, we can always have them..... purged. (Tank is preparing for the day he is blessed with a daughter and has to wait for her to come home from a date and could use the practice while his eyesight is still good)
Time to bring the U.S. RethugliKKKans to the WALL!!!! That should slow up ACD for a while.
Here are some comments of note:
have often wondered if we got everyone on the continent to run and jump in one direction really hard...like when you are trying to move a big piece of carpet....i wonder if we could move the plate
Actually the earth is pregnant. Continental drift is a politically correct scientific term for stretch marks. When gestation is finished the earth is in imminent danger of massive and chronic water loss, the earth will assume a saggy disproportionate appearance and be forever changed. This has been going on for years as NASA has really been going to the moon to get material to artificially inseminate the earth since the 60's. Those were not moon rocks they were collecting.
While we're at it, let's not forget the polarity reverse that the earth appears to undergo periodically. That could really throw a wrench into things.
I don't know about the continental drifting thing, but I've noticed that over the past week - that the days are getting longer. I think that GLOBAL LIGHTENING is what's really threatening us.....
Dear Lenin, the knuckle dragging meat eaters are on to us!!!!!!!!!
Re-Educate them all!!! Send in the PETA/ALF/ELF Crack Suicide Squads!
"I didn't cross continental drift it crossed me."
ACD....Another reason to save the planet with very expensive light bulbs!
Unless we ALL* give up our ecologically sinful lifestyles right now, we are all doomed. We'll be ground into paste by the colliding continents, and then that paste will be fried into a crispy residue by global warming. And then the whole world would smell like a hamburger grill. Do you know how many PETA members that would make feel sad (if they too hadn't been ground up and quick fried)?
*"All," of course, refers only to middle class populations in European-derived, industrial economies and does not include any inhabitant or descendant of an inhabitant of the region sometimes refered to as the "Third World," protected classes, government officials or their families, friends, or major contributors, public figures who have contributed money or face time to DNC programs, registered Democratic Party voters, and their house pets.
If you said "Kentucky Fried" instead of "hamburger" then we could rile up the PETA crowd right now.
I see a good cause for a lawsuit for the wrongful use, abuse, impersonation, and defamation.
How about we write a mock “cease and desist” letter on behalf of the Russian Cossacks? The Ukrainian Cossacks had been disbanded by Katherine the Great around 1775. The Russian Cossacks had been largely massacred by the Communists, but they are now reviving their traditions and culture.
Let's say we post a "news story" about a fictional law firm representing an Association of Cossack Regiments from the Volga, Don, Kuban, Tie, Ural and Siberia, who are enraged by the Kos bloggers using their good name to spread the same ideas that had once already resulted in a nearly complete wiping out of the Cossacks.
I'm not good at legalese but I could contribute with the Cossack part of the story.
For a sneak peek of the real Ukrainian Cossacks see the Hollywoodized version of Gogol's story "" (I saw it and it's not terribly bad).
Besides, while the Kossack issue may be influencing the Global Continental Drift, it's hardly a major factor and shouldn't be discussed here. In this thread we must focus on the dangers of capitalism and the American way of life, which is the main culprit according to a consensus of state-funded scientists.
I sense so much HBO in those male and female authors, this old Party horse can't stop the drooling. That's it. Must go back to Daily Kos for a more bland, moderate vision. Reading Daily Kos is like watching a pond with ripples made by orange-and-black goldfish. It calms me down.
What would we do were it not for the Daily Truth? For this explains to me the ocean's waves. Yes, there's all that business--er, exploitation--about gravity and celestial bodies (like Hillary's--pardon me, comrades, for I am a male prole and am Pavloved by Hillary even to the mere mention of the name) promulgated in indoctrination texts force-fed us by the capitalist classes; however, it has now been unmasked as the lie it always was, for here is the political struggle played out in the sciences, which capitalist tools in lab coats have long denied:
1) Because of Yanqui capitalism, a continent is forcibly undermined or pushed into submission; i.e., the tide goes out
2) A literal wave of resentment, tears of global oppression, pour out of the offended continent's eye and spread across the globe; i.e., the tide comes in
3) Guided by Marxism-Leninism, other continents and political elements unite and push back the exploitative and oppressive capitalism reactionaries; i.e., the tide goes out
4) A sine wave of revolution is thus created, sparked by Yanqui arrogance and oppression that always struggles to push back down the geo-political forces that rise up against it
Once all continents have reunited under the Natural Law of Communism, there will be no more tides. Life asea will, like life on land, become "smooth sailing," the Ship of the State cutting through the sea of humanity, calmly rolling over it, meeting no resistance, its sails filled with eternal wind.
To think I wasted years in a public capitalist indoctrination center studying the pseudo-scientific lies of geology and geography when it was all a political struggle. I should have known all along!
If that's okay, that is.
Sorry for being picky, I just don't want to get sued by the ACLU for nomenclature discrimination.
Technically you may be right, but all dictionaries I looked at define the term in the PeopeSpeak / PeopleMath way:
Anthropogenic = Anthropogenous
Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the highly reactive hydroxyl radical, a species shown to mutate DNA, denature proteins, disrupt cell membranes, and chemically alter critical neurotransmitters. The atomic components of DHMO are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.
For more detailed information, including precautions, disposal procedures and storage requirements, refer to one of the Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) available for DHMO...
I strongly advise you to visit that site (apparently written by my long-lost cousin) and report back with your findings.
End Illegal Continental Drift Apartheid!
I didn't cross the Continental Drift; it crossed me.
Now that is torture!
It is as clear as day that a big factor in continental drift is DHMO-infested oceans that are literally pushing the continents apart!
The question is, whether the capitalist industrialists conspired to deliberately release DHMO into our oceans in order to break the one-world utopia.
The answer is a resounding YES!!! THE EVIL BASTARDS!!!!
Because of them and their clever tricks the one-world utopia is becoming less and less likely WITH EVERY PASSING SECOND!!! VALIUM! WHERE THE HELL IS MY VALIUM???
Protect the oceans from DHMO!
Progressive scientists of the world are increasingly raising their voices in support of the idea of taking the Earth's oxygen and sending it to the neighboring planets, just as we are currently sending money to the Palestinian government.
Since the USA has already developed the technology of interplanetary travel, we must put pressure on the American government to transport at least 10% of oxygen from their territory to Mars at their own expense in the next ten years.
A skull of 95 million year old dinosaurs which unearthed from narmada river bed region of India has raised hot debate among researchers. Because the dinosaurs fossils totally contradict with
the theory of continental drifting which proposed by German meteorologist Alfred Wagner.
According to this theory before 200 million years ago all the present day continents were jointly present and the super continent was called as pangaea, and then splited in two major continents called as northern laurasia and the southern gonduwana, the theory continue to explains...
Back during the 70's version of Hollywood (red) Squares, Peter Marshall asked Paul Lynde:
"True or false, the continents of North America and Africa are drifting closer to eachother."
Lynde answered: "I don't know, but if it's true it's good news for the purple cadillac salesmen."
I am happy that the thought police has removed such atrocities from the airwaves.
Today, Paul Lynde would be sent to gulag, just like Imus! Right?
People today, leading alternative lifestyles (like Paul Lynde) have to watch every word they say because the repercussio....