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Yes, we can! Students to hurl canned food at intruders

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At W.F. Burns Middle School in Valley, Alabama, an administrator wrote a letter requesting that parents send canned food to school. The canned food, she reasons, is not to eat or donate to a homeless shelter, but to stockpile as projectile weaponry against intruders. The canned food will also double as food rations, in case the school wants to keep your children overnight.

As if you needed another reason to send your children to public schools, now you can be even more assured of your decision. No longer will you have to rely on a rogue Republican school official, with a concealed carry permit, to defend your little ones. Now, your children will have tin cans of food at their disposal, as personal protective equipment.

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A reporter candidly questioned the wisdom of allowing children access to cans, listing the ways it could go wrong:

  • Children could use the cans on each other, in rapid succession, as assault-can play weapons;
  • An intruder might get extra angry at can throwers, who would be like canaries in a coalmine;
  • The intruder might hurl the cans back at the children, cancelling this brilliant progressive idea.

The administrator erupted volcanically, "Yeah, cans kill people, and spoons make people fat! The original use of canned food is to nourish, not to kill people (just like spoons.) Therefore, cans are an acceptable progressive weapon. Other weapons can't hold a candle to canned goods. Amer-I-Can. Yes, we can!"

After this incantation, the school district decided to canonize the administrator as a forward thinker, well ahead of her time.

This idea has taken off like a cannonball in the progressive community. In fact, the Democrats are jealous that they don't have the word "can" in their name like a certain political foe. The Republican party of racist chicanery seem to catch all the breaks, don't they? It's just not fair.

We know that the real reason to promote can weapons is to make children think they don't need to rely on adults with guns to protect them, which is a great idea. Guns are a cancer on our society. Removing them should be like taking candy from a baby.

However, it seems inhumane to hurl hard, metal cans at a human being, who could sustain cuts and bruises during his attack of the school. We have to think of the criminal's feelings and not cannibalize his human rights.

The debate on can weapons is ongoing, especially among Wiccans, toucans and pelicans. We will canvas the area and report back to you with opinions from around the cylinder.

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This sounds kind if like Iron Shield. A canopy of protection against cantankerous criminals looking to be canned before being put in the can.

 

 

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Comrades of the Can Cube,

Join me in denouncing the Campbell's Soup Company and its ongoing support of human violence!

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MARCH WE MUCH!

 

 

When I was little sprog at People's Engineering School for Glory of Revolution Number 17, professor would make me stand outside in snow if I used canned answer to difficult question.

Happy days indeed. As Prince George once said to Pitt the Younger, (also known as the Lord High Privy Toast-Rack) "Ah! School, school. I bet you can't wait to get back and give those balls a good walloping."

 

 

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Here is the confusion,

The principal wanted to catch perps "on the can", rather than striking them with a can.

 

 


 

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Is it not good that these students can lift their cans? (Let's Move!)

 

 

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As many classroom armories are left unsecured, national standards for security, safety training, and marksmanship are in order, as well as background checks for those purchasing canned goods.

 

 

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Capitalizing on the success of canned food drives, police departments and National Guard units are holding "firearms drives" to equip themselves...

 

 


 

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Maybe if you throw money at the poor boob that inadvertently walked into your school to ask for directions he won't sue you for felony assault when you take him by surprise with a hundred hurled soup cans thrown at his head.

Crazy commies.

I'm surprised that wasn't the first idea - just throw money at the problem. Maybe he'll go away without killing you.

 

 

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Comrades, it seems that this idea has higher-up roots...

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Comrades, this administrator wants children to not only buy and transport scary military grade weapons into a school, she wants to train teachers and maybe even students in the operation of them. Comrades, we must stay vigilant in weapons bans, no mater the weapon, this administrator must be tried and jailed in front of a People's jury. In fact, I propose that we ban all pens and pencils, they are sharp and could be used to stab a person! As for crayons and markers, they could be used to poison or blind others and must be used under police supervision. Furthermore, I also think that all children should be surveilled on at all times with high definition security cameras so that we may monitor for terroristic tendencies, our British comrades have already proposed doing it. And before you write something disagreeing with me, ask yourself: Would I want my child operating a M777 Howitzer or an Apache Helicopter? If your answer is no, then why would you allow then to use soup cans, a smaller but just as deadly military-grade weapon? Think of the ever-important, fine-china-like children and the Party before thinking of such silly things as ethics, reason, rights, and the Constitution, they're all stupid ideas anyway, and are the cause of oppression for Womyn, Gays, African-Americans, and Hispanics and Latinos!

 

 

Soviet Mike Komsomolets wrote:Liberal Progressives. Get ready to hurl.

Comrade Mike, in what sense were you meaning that? As in "get ready to hurl," or possibly in the vernacular "get ready to hurl?"

 

 


 

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Image OFF TOPIC! The young comradette is merely reacting to a Moochelle approved school lunch - What does this have to do with the subject at hand?

Soviet Mike Komsomolets wrote:Image

 

 

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Watch your tongue Craptek, Pazuzu don't play.

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Captain Craptek wrote:Image OFF TOPIC! The young comradette is merely reacting to a Moochelle approved school lunch - What does this have to do with the subject at hand?

Soviet Mike Komsomolets wrote:Image

Comrade Craptek, this is clearly not off topic. The poor lass is displaying the after effects of a weapon of mass consumption. Obviously something went awry during the launching phase and one of the cans loaded with a chemical warhead accidentally detonated prematurely. I would not be at all surprised to discover that it was an unstable can of spam that caused this unfortunate lass to be bed-ridden.

 

 

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To the best of my knowledge, our current (and future) Occupier-in-Chief has approved only one canned product for offensive and defensive purposes. It's magic!
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Captain Craptek wrote:To the best of my knowledge, our current (and future) Occupier-in-Chief has approved only one canned product for offensive and defensive purposes. It's magic!
Unicorn Meat.png

Tastes like puppy!

 

 


 

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More protection. Condoms in a can. Our wymen should not be denied basic health care... in a can.

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I see this week's edition of "Cops": "Dispatch to 32, please report to Burns Middle School. Assault in progress; suspect injured by flying cans of Heinz baked beans."
"Durn it! I was hoping for Spaghettios - the splatter is much more interesting."
"10-4. Will bring weinies and call for an ambulance."

 

 

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People’s Cube Hobos decend on W.F. Burns Middle School Expecting Feast To Be Thrown At Them.
Bring a can opener.

 

 

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Komrade Katz wrote:I see this week's edition of "Cops": "Dispatch to 32, please report to Burns Middle School. Assault in progress; suspect injured by flying cans of Heinz baked beans."
"Durn it! I was hoping for Spaghettios - the splatter is much more interesting."
"10-4. Will bring weinies and call for an ambulance."

And then after that arrest: "We have a man that's speeding on Interstate 80 Westbound near exit 35A; Be advised, he is considered armed and dangerous as he has a few cases of Pork and Beans."
"Aw man, we were supposed to do the Pork n' Beans training next week!"
"Well, I heard that Pork n' beans is kinda like the 2 pound cans of baked beans, so maybe we could use those tactics?"
"Huh, I guess you're right!"

 

 


 
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