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Violence problem solved: criminals to buy CRIME insurance

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Let's give plaudits for House Democrat Rep. Carolyn Maloney (N.Y.) for her plan to require criminals to buy gun insurance:

Democrat Congresswoman Says Making Gang Members Buy Gun Insurance Will Stop Shootings

I’m afraid it won't be enough, though. Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc.

So there has to be a better solution to the country’s rampant violence problem, and not just locking up perps - what is that going to do?

We propose a Federal system whereby criminals will be required to purchase Federal CRIME insurance before they commit any violence:

CRIME - Commonsense Redistributional Income Mandated Equality

Since it’s estimated that everyone commits at least three federal felonies a day, this will apply to everyone with Intergalactic CRIME Insurance Policies

To make it fair, there will be a federal mandate to have an Intergalactic CRIME Insurance policy. Pre-existing crimes will not be a bar to an ICIP as has been in the past since everyone, including the private sector, will be required to be enrolled in the federal system, which will eliminate the uninsured criminal crisis.

If a criminal fails to file their Schedule 4399 (Federal and Local crime reporting) for crimes from the previous fiscal year and not covered by the insurance, the IRS will enforce the Federal violence surcharges every year beginning two years after implementation.

Each year will have an enrollment period for the next year’s crimes, with a mandatory listing of all the violence the criminals are contemplating for the next year: dates, places, and people along with the Victim Status Justification Code (VSJC). This will be a part of the new Federally Underwritten Crime – Universal Payment system.

The results of each crime incident will be reported to the FUC-UP system in order to properly adjudicate payments to the persons affected by said incidents. Form 322 EZ will determine the compensation ratios given the victim status of the perpetrator and the person who caused the crime by having too much unearned wealth. Certain groups will be exempted from victim status while others with more than one form of victimhood will have their just compensation multiplied.

Violence Problem Solved!

FORWARD!

 

 

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"Psst! Hey! Jose! The deal is going down tonight. We meet at sundown behind the projects!"

"Oh, man, no way. I can't go! I haven't paid my gun insurance!"

 

 

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Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:"Psst! Hey! Jose! The deal is going down tonight. We meet at sundown behind the projects!"

"Oh, man, no way. I can't go! I haven't paid my gun insurance!"

I know! We shall have ObamaCrime insurance - with subsides for those who cannot afford to pay.

 

 

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Comrade Šterpin - what if the person who caused the crime - by having too much unearned wealth - wanted to provide insurance for uninsured perpetrators?

Window stickers, gate placards, and lawn signs could be in place announcing this most progressive attitude.

...or maybe I am confused about how this insurance works?!

I think that might be the case...
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crime-zone.jpg

 

 


 

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Comrade Šterpin wrote:Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc.
I would also add a pen and a phone.

 

 

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Red Square wrote:
Comrade Šterpin wrote:Violence isn’t always the fault of guns; oftentimes it's the fault of fists, knives, feet, cricket bats, broken bottles, sewing needles, derringers, etc.
I would also add a pen and a phone.
The most honorable crimes are committed in a pant-suit with a pocket full of cash and a microphone.
HEIL HILLARY!™

 

 

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Nice crime insurance policy you have there. Pity if something should happen to it. But for a small donation and a dozen or so votes, if you like your crime insurance policy you can keep your crime insurance policy.

 

 

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Comrades posting on our FB page have a point:

  • The only uninsured crime will be failure to purchase mandatory crime insurance.
  • What's the deductible?

 

 

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Red Square wrote:Comrades posting on our FB page have a point:

  • The only uninsured crime will be failure to purchase mandatory crime insurance.
  • What's the deductible?
An excellent point, but nothing that cannot be solved by creating an entirely new massive agency to deal with uninsured delinquent citizens. It would be something like a citizen's union that would represent the interest of the delinquent citizen by documenting all of the reasons/excuses that said citizen was unable to comply with such a mandate. These would include various micro-aggressions and discriminatory policies, unless the unfortunate delinquent happened to be a white Christian male, in which case he would be forced to pay penance through hard labor before being liquidated for his unforgivable transgression.

 

 

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Konservative_Punk wrote:...pay penance through hard labor before being liquidated for his unforgivable transgression.
Even if it's a micro-transgression of micro-oppression.

 

 

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Comrades, I propose that this "Crimecare.gov" name and branding be scrapped. With the failure of Obamacare's servers, CrimeCare.gov has an incredibly poor brand image. And since nobody will buy CrimeCare, the brand image will stay terrible. I propose instead the formation of a government "corporation" entitled "Mutual of Ohio".

First off, the name is brilliant. The only reason why you'd want to go to Ohio is if you committed a crime and want things to settle down for a while. The only reason people stay in Ohio is because they have meth labs built into old barns. If you want to go to Ohio for any other reason other than the Armstrong Air & Space museum, you're completely insane. You might as well check straight into a cemetary, that's how insane you are if you aren't one of the aforementioned people. Therefore, our name says "You want things to settle down? We'll make 'em settle down."

Mutual of Ohio will offer 3 basic levels of care to which the customer will add options to. These 3 levels are as follows:

1. Petty
2. Pimp
3. Mafia

Level number one will cover assets up to 250,000 dollars. This service is mainly intended toward the petty criminal, mainly kids who steal a little candy from the store or the poor man who steals a loaf of bread, and will be attractively priced at $50 per year.

Level number two will cover assets up to 1,500,000, and will be aimed towards the inner-city pimp. It will be priced at $1500 per year, which pimps will easily make.

Finally, level number 3 will cover assets up to 100,000,000, and will be aimed towards the average Mafioso. Cost per year will be $10,000, but they'll be able to make that easy. I also propose the offering of a "Don Plan" where the Don will get a discount for every member of his family that he refers to or enrolls in Mutual of Ohio services.

As for options, we'll let the customer make a proposal and our agents will decide if it's good or not. They'll also set the premiums that go with the options.

We'll also set the premiums for standard service in an erratic way. It'll probably be based on how "much" the CEO "got" that month. Just anything to keep our policyholders on their toes; We wouldn't want them getting too comfortable and us having a "computer accident", would we?

Of course, we'll share all customer information with the State like any good company, but we will pay the State off handsomely to make sure they don't prosecute our customers. The name is also similar to the name of another Insurance company so some overworked caffeine-buzzed staffer might confuse one for the other and we'll have the heat off of us.

 

 

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Comrade Stierlitz, this is an excellent plan, but I believe you have made one small mistake: You must mean Michigan rather than Ohio. Go Bucks!

 

 

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RedDiaperette wrote:Comrade Stierlitz, this is an excellent plan, but I believe you have made one small mistake: You must mean Michigan rather than Ohio. Go Bucks!

Mutual of Michigan? That's excellent. Plus, we'd have more Great Lake to toss "sensitive documents" into.

 

 


 
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