PETA successfully outlaws outdoor BBQs in Portland, OR

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PORTLAND, OREGON - Members of P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have successfully lobbied to outlaw outdoor barbeques within city limits and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. The ban was based on a P.E.T.A. claim that the smell of cooking flesh is highly offensive and no one should be forced to endure the fumes from what they call "a crime worse than the Holocaust."

Under the new law, individuals caught cooking meat outdoors can face a $2,000 fine or one day in jail.

Shortly after the ruling was passed with a 6 to 1 vote, the animal rights activists marched through residential areas in a "victory parade," shaming residents with the collective chanting of slogans, amplified by their megaphones: "You are all thoughtless supporters of the animal Holocaust" and "Stop burning the flesh of your murder victims over hot coals."

The group has spent the past few months patrolling neighborhoods and protesting outdoor grilling by raiding family picnics and outdoor gatherings, while screaming "murderers" and "animals deserve justice" at the families and individuals who have been caught cooking meat. In most cases the activists dumped water on lit barbeques and confiscated the meat with the purpose of giving it what they called a "proper burial."

"I used to break down in uncontrollable fits of crying every time I smelled the animal flesh cooking," said Susie Townley, one of the P.E.T.A. activists present at the ruling. "Not being able to order people around on their own property kept me from living my life the way I wanted to. It made me feel powerless."

To make sure the anti-barbecue law would have no opposition, the animal rights group threatened to drive around neighborhoods with paintball guns and unload on anyone they found cooking meat outdoors. Under this threat, the City Council caved and passed the law to avoid the potential violence.

"Now we can all live free from the stench of oppression," said Townley. "I am so happy we can finally tell families what they can and cannot do on their private property. This is what it should mean to live in a free country."



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It is wonderful to observe such progress. Next, we must protest against outdoor vegetable gardens, where the screams of vegetables forcibly ripped from their beds shatter the sensibilities of all enlightened neighbors.




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And let's not forget the carbon pollution...




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I dare them to come around here! Return fire wouldn't be paintballs.



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Speaking as Our Many Titted Empress aka: Queen Hillary, [b][color=#ff0000]Father Prog Theocritus[/color][/b] foresaw this seven years ago when he wrote: "I'll ride this carbon-credit bullshit right into the White House and once I'm installed you won't pry me out with Archimedes' lever and a hydrogen bomb and then [highlight=#ffff00]I'll ban cooking all meat, starting with barbecues[/highlight], and fuck Joe Six Pack."

You can read the short, yet delightfully prescient thread by the late, Father Prog Theocritus here. And in a completely unrelated thread, which can be found here, by the same brilliant mind comes this beauty, which I just had to share because of its sheer hillarity:

[color=#ff0000]Father Prog Theocritus[/color] also spun a Hillarious Yarn when he wrote:
Bill and Hillary were driving one night in Arkansas and Bill ran over a family of skunks.
Bill slammed on the brakes and Hillary got out and ran back to where the skunks were.
"Bill. You've killed the mother and all but one of the babies!"
"So what? They don't have cash or knee pads."
"One of the babies is still breathing. Do you think we can get a good photo-op?
"Bill thought and said, "Well, yes. There's always some moron from MacPaper who'll buy crap like that. Bring it in the car.
"Hillary brought the baby skunk into the car and put it between her legs to keep it warm.
"Bill," she asked, "What about the smell?"
"Put a cloth over its nose and it'll be fine."




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A large Christian conservative site, Vision to America, has reposted two of our spoofs in a row - the one about PETA outlawing BBQ in Portland and the one about Miley Cyrus burning the Bible - see screenshot below. They also sent out these stories in their regular newsletter (forwarded to me by a friend).

In the comments on their site, some people point out that it's satire, but many others don't see it. The both stories are explicitly linked to the Cube, where anyone who has eyes can see the glorious purpose of our Current Truth, so my conscience is clear.

Besides, many of our stories have become true in a very short time, so let's call it "pre-event reporting."





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Yeah, Chedoh,

I hear they're doing it in Austin, TX as well! ... oke-limits

I, as a made Prog, do suggest a further understanding of how wind works. It does ebb and flow.
I, personally, just love the smell of barbecued protein, even though I love animals. And, I have to admit, I love that my neighbors are having a good time feeding themselves and their friends. I feel privileged to inhale their good times. To me, this is what tolerance is all about.

I denounce myself before I am attacked!

Additionally, in Los Altos, CA, new regulations determine precisely where your HAVC unit will be placed, lest it offend your persistently offended neighbors. Because of property sizes and property lines, this could mean eliminating your HVAC altogether. Sucks to be you! ... quirements

This is why I adhere to Father Prog Theocritus’ meme. “They come from places they have destroyed only to destroy the new places they occupy.”

Of course, this is a paraphrase. But, it’s true, and ongoing.

I don’t know whether to put a “prog off or on” in this instance but, I think it’s “safe” for me to the “prog on” thing.