President has woman's dog put down after it threatened him

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WASHINGTON, DC - During the President's tour of Washington D.C.'s historic homes yesterday, the President had a six-year-old Yorkie named Pandy taken from its owner Martha McBride, 78, and put down at a local veterinary office after the dog, who was female, growled and snapped at him during his tour of a home that was once owned by Ulysses S. Grant.

McBride, who is white, was a civil rights activist during the 50s and 60s, having participated in major protests and marches of the Civil Rights Era and braved fire hoses alongside African-American protesters at Birmingham, Alabama, in 1963. Her history, however, did not change the fact that her dog had attacked the first African-American president of the United States.

The tour started uneventfully as McBride showed the President and his entourage around her home, while discussing historical facts and the history of the building. Then her dog Pandy, visibly frightened by all of the commotion brought on by the large group of people, nervously paced around McBride's feet. McBride then knelt over to pick up her dog and held Pandy in her arms.

The President noticed the small dog and extended his hand to pet her, saying, "That's a cute dog, whats its name?" But before McBride could answer, Pandy snapped at the President's hand and continued to growl, as the dog and the President exchanged scornful looks. At first McBride was relieved that her dog did not make contact, but the events would soon take a devastating turn.

McBride apologized and explained that she rarely has visitors. "She's never done that before, I'm sure she was just scared," she said in sudden silence, interrupted only by her voice and the dog's growls. A few awkward moments went by before the President stormed out of the house, abruptly ending the tour. Confused McBride followed the President outside, asking if everything was alright. Then a Secret Service agent ripped the dog from the screaming woman's arms and walked to his vehicle without saying a word.

McBride begged and pleaded with them to give the dog back, asking what they were going to do with Pandy. Her pleas remained unanswered as the presidential limo drove off, followed by a string of smaller vehicles, including the one holding the detained dog.

She later told reporters that Pandy was the last gift that her deceased husband ever gave her.

Close relatives and friends of McBride visited the distraught elderly civil rights activist throughout the hours following the event, and as the sun set there still was no word about Pandy's fate. Worried family members called various White House numbers to inquire about the dog's whereabouts, but were put on hold indefinitely every time.

It wasn't until the next morning that McBride finally knew what happened to her beloved Yorkie, when she discovered a small container in her mailbox. It contained Pandy's ashes with her little collar taped to the side of the package, and a handwritten note saying, "Curb your dog next time. - B. Obama." EMS had to respond to the scene and take McBride to the hospital after she fainted in her lawn.

The veterinary clinic that carried out the act gave a brief statement over the phone. "Our policy specifically states that we do not put down healthy dogs unless the animal has physically harmed someone in a gruesome way. But this dog came with the President's executive order and very specific instructions. The President later personally called our office to make sure we carried out his orders and promised to make our lives a living hell if we didn't."

Branden McBride, Martha's eldest son, confirmed that his mother was expected to return home later in the afternoon.



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Well, how dare that woman have a dog that was mean to Dear Leader! She's lucky he didn't do the same to her! Seriously, Dear Leader's glorious comrade Kim Jong Un wouldn't put up with this nonsense. He'd have had her vaporized on the spot and taken her house. And her little dog too! Heck, he'd take over the neighborhood as punishment!

But I'm wondering a few things...

1. Why would Dear Leader bother visiting the former home of any rethug president other than Lincoln? Yes, yes, I know Grant commanded the Union army, but this is a detail. It's beneath Dear Leader to bother with such trivial history like that. When the People's Media talk about presidents, they only usually talk about four: Washington (old evil white bewigged slave owner), Lincoln (set the stage for Dear Leader to take over), George W. Bush (who is at fault for everything including that which happened before his birth), and Dear Leader, the most glorious leader in all of history. Grant is not part of those four. So why is Dear Leader wasting his time?

2. On the same topic, Grant's entire life was spent before that glorious moment on August 4, 1961 when Dear Leader allegedly graced the universe with his existence. So, why does Dear Leader care about anyone who existed entirely before him? For that matter, shouldn't the year 1 begin in 1961?

3. Shouldn't the dog have been placed in a picnic basket with a lid and driven away on a bicycle as happened to a certain other little dog that snapped at someone? On the other hand, maybe that's just what they do in flyover country...

4. Shouldn't Dear Leader have given this woman a bill both for the vet fees and an even bigger bill for his time in dealing with this trifling matter? I mean, he did a great service by getting rid of a dog that didn't like him (which is the model for what will happen to rethugs and teabaggers) but naturally his time is valuable. He needs to be compensated for ever second of his time wasted on this trivial matter. Or should she expect it next year at tax time?

5. Isn't this whole mess George Bush's fault? No, wait. It's the rethugikkkan's fault. But since Bush is a rethug it's also his fault. If the rethugs hadn't run Grant for president, then Dear Leader wouldn't be visiting Grant's home. If Dear Leader didn't visit Grant's home, this dog wouldn't have annoyed Dear Leader. Of course we have to naturally assume that the woman's husband is a rethug, a racist, and a teabagger or else he wouldn't have given her a dog that would later upset Dear Leader. If Bush was a member of our party instead of being a rethug, then he would not share in the guilt by association. See what kind of trouble Bush and the rethugs always cause? This is why we should ban their party and our party should be the only one.

6. Wouldn't it just be easier if the government took over all homes that have even the slightest degree of historical significance (e.g. "Benedict Arnold might have sneezed here") and put their owners out on the street, and their little dogs too? This way, if Dear Leader decided to tour a house (which might serve as one of his many retirement homes) it would be free of nuisances like old ladies and dogs. Besides, dogs are offensive to Muslims and whether Dear Leader is Muslim or not, we can't offend Muslims. But consider the number of jobs saved or created. Why, if each home with any historical significance was taken over by the government, there would be so many new jobs to maintain and oversee each home. It's a win win for the economy if we throw homeowners out of their homes!

7. Since Dear Leader bragged about eating dog meat in his autobiography written by Bill Ayers are we really sure this wasn't a clever way to sneak in a delicacy? Do we know Pandy was taken to the vet? Or perhaps the dog was taken to the WH kitchen? Are those ashes really Pandy's? Or perhaps just the bones?



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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:Well, how dare that woman have a dog that was mean to Dear Leader! [highlight=#ffff00]She's lucky he didn't do the same to her![/highlight] Seriously, Dear Leader's glorious comrade Kim Jong Un wouldn't put up with this nonsense. He'd have had her vaporized on the spot and taken her house. And her little dog too! Heck, he'd take over the neighborhood as punishment!

Well Comrade Linen,

The woman would need to start digging her grave, because once Dear Leader reads this article, there will be fury.



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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:Dear Leader's glorious comrade Kim Jong Un wouldn't put up with this nonsense. He'd have had her vaporized on the spot and taken her house. [highlight=#ffcc00]And her little dog too![/highlight]

Witnesses report hearing strange music as the president drove off immediately following the incident.




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Comrade Vlad Linen,
I think it's probably No. 7.



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Comrade Chedoh, I think this would make perfect theme music for FLATUS and definitely for future Dear Leader Hillary!

Comrade Hammer, isn't this covered by DearLeaderCare?

Comrade Pamalinsky, most likely.



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Perhaps Dear Leader needed a more exotic meat for an appetizer and this was the first one he saw?