Image

Preserve Your Dictator! (An Infomercial)

User avatar
Dictator_Saver_Fis_300t.jpg
Dictators - be they of the left, center-left, or centrist variety - are a very important part of everyone's lives. They unconditionally share with us other people's wealth even when we don't ask for it - and all they want in return is our approval and total compliance. Whether we are at home, at work, or relaxing with friends, our beloved dictator is always kindly watching our every step, protecting us from our own bad choices and unhealthy urges.

But there inevitably comes a time to say "good-bye." The loss of a tyrant leaves a tremendous hole in our lives and the grief can be overwhelming. After the shock wears off, we are faced with the dilemma of what to do with the remains. Many heart-broken subjects can't stand the thought of having dear leader cremated or buried like a mere human.

Thankfully, today's technology gives us several comforting alternatives, ranging from vacuum sealing to freeze-dry preservation. Although they are no longer living, despots can perpetually remain in our presence, and can even be displayed to groups of awestruck school children or added to the bus tour circuit for hard-currency foreign visitors.

If your favorite dictator has passed on to the "Rainbow Bridge to Utopia," or you are preparing for his untimely death in advance, you may want to consider these options.
~
Vacuum sealing is relatively inexpensive and can be performed in any presidential palace setting. Modern wonders, such as the DictatorSaver 2000 Vacuum Sealer, which can preserve up to twelve dear leaders in rapid succession in case of multiple consecutive coups d'etat, has the speed, affordability, and ease of operation that makes it a favorite for many developing countries.

Image
However, if your leader had been trying to save your struggling economy for over a decade and is worth over a billion dollars as a result, you may want to go with a more expensive freeze-drying option. The most reliable freeze-drying dictator-preserving provider is Perpetual Dictator Inc., a socially conscious company with branches in many humanitarian disaster areas designated for Western aid by the United Nations.

"At Perpetual Dictator, we know that the loss of a dearly loved national leader can be a difficult experience," says CEO Vladlen Marlenov. "Through the use of new techniques in freeze-dry technology, we can offer a 'Loving and Lasting' alternative to vacuum sealing or traditional taxidermy and mummification. It allows us to preserve any deceased leader, regardless of the cause of death, without any alteration in appearance and in any position - from a peaceful repose to giving a passionate speech to waving a saber on top of a freeze-dried stallion."

Experienced professionals at Perpetual Dictator can create a durable memorial that preserves your favorite authoritarian in a natural state for generations to come, allowing the forlorn subjects to see, touch, and cuddle their tyrants - and, in a sense, "never have to let go." Best of all, your dictator gets to keep his or her actual, physical body. This is in sharp contrast to the conventional method of taxidermy, in which only the outer hide of the dictator typically remains, attached to a plastic form or other type of artificial mounting.

Image

Growing up in a totalitarian dictatorship in one of the former provinces of the Soviet Union, Vladlen Marlenov learned early on not to get too attached to the country's elderly leaders, who were prone to dying with predictable regularity.

His devoted customers are a different story. Autocracy lovers the world over count on Perpetual Dictator to faithfully preserve Kim, Hugo, and other beloved leaders for posterity, even if it means taking millions of dollars out of their depleted budgets.

This is where generous humanitarian aid comes in, provided by Western democracies out of sentimental nostalgia for a caring philosopher-king who can legislate the common good by executive order and redistribute national wealth to the masses despite the opposition from the obstructionist, filibustering reactionaries.

"Money is not an issue when so many poor people are devastated by the death of their dictator," says Marlenov. "For most of them, tyranny is a way of life. This may seem a little eccentric, but preserving a dictator's body helps them to feel better about living in squalor and misery."

Mausoleum_Lenin_268.jpg
Marlenov's studio is a testament to the devotion of the struggling masses to their leaders. Lifelike dictators of all sizes and colors are scattered throughout his showroom: a brooding South American general with a stuffed parrot nailed to his shoulder; a spirited African prince with a big frozen smile, a snarling Asian nationalist, and a smattering of heads of state from the former Soviet republics.

Departed dictators of all persuasions spend up to one year in freeze-dry metal drums before they are painstakingly preserved and returned to their doting subjects.

The company also builds supersized mausoleums to customer specifications. The adjacent showroom contains a display of hand-painted papier-mâché models, from the historic Lenin Mausoleum and Chairman Mao Memorial Hall to more affordable Third-World resting places.

"The Lenin Mausoleum is a classic prototype and an all-time favorite," admits Marlenov. "If you've got enough Western aid and want to go crazy, we can even build Red Square around it, complete with the State GUM and cobblestone pavement. And if you also order the Kremlin wall with the towers, we'll throw in free decorative snowdrifts made of durable Styrofoam for those in tropical climates."

"If you think freeze-dry preservation of your dictator is for you, please give us a call. You'll be treated with respect and dignity you deserve."

Image

 

 

User avatar
I published this first in Front Page Magazine, and right away received a request from Russia asking if they can translate it and post it in a Russian news website, a subsidiary of a St. Petersburg Internet radio station that bills itself as "right-wing, libertarian, and republican."

So here it is, translated into the Mother Tongue (the translation is a little rough and hasty, but it carries the message).

Сохраните вашего диктатора!


And here's a larger version of the lead image.

[img]/images/Dictator_Saver_Fist.jpg[/img]

 

 

User avatar
Operators.jpg
Comrade Square, it is indeed serendipitous that you should mention this today, as just last night I was speaking to my cousin (3rd removed), who lives in the heartland of the former Soviet Union. He mentioned that his friend's aunt recently found employment as an operator in a Perpetual Dictator™ factory, where all the parts for the preservation machinery are precision milled and fabricated.

She loves her new job - although the pay is low, the camaraderie and and benefits are, well, to die for (the firm has subsidiaries many haven't heard of yet, such as Persistent Prole™ and Kontinuing Kulak™)!

As they say in the Permanent Dictator™ ads on TV - "operators are standing by!"

 

 


 

User avatar
For progs who spend the weekend sobbing over Lenin's passing

Lenin A.gif

 

 

User avatar
Alas, with the sequestering we may only be able to afford the "economy option" for our dictators.

OJar.jpg

 

 

User avatar
Silly idea. Never work. What do you think Ivan?

Ivan? Ivan?

[img]/images/avatars/Betinov_Party_Organ_Donor.gif[/img]

 

 

Is most inappropriate Comrade Marx. Should use GLADbag.

 

 

User avatar
One Nostalgic Dictator on ice please.... hold the French Fries.

 

 

User avatar
Ура, товарищ! in a way, you have now come full circle.


ag_earth2.gif

 

 

User avatar
Anyer Marx wrote:Alas, with the sequestering we may only be able to afford the "economy option" for our dictators.

OJar.jpg

The People's Director and I laughed so hard we spilled our morning vodka rations.

See how fast you can achieve real progress when you get your mind out of the collective toilet?

;)

 

 

User avatar
Anyer Marx - I posted a version of your most equal image in the headlines section. Here's the enlarged copy:

[img]/images/Sequester_Obama_Head.jpg[/img]

Budget cuts ruin plans to preserve Dear Leader for posterity in a mausoleum, leaving only the less dignifying "economy option."

 

 

User avatar
On a related note, our friend Urban Infidel just posted these photos from New York:

Random Shots: The Occupy Movement is Dead Edition


Urban Infidel wrote:I came across this peculiar traveling Occu-bin contraption on the subway and it reminded me that the Occupy movement is dead. We can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Occupy_Dead_1.jpg
Occupy_Dead_2.jpg

 

 

User avatar
Comrade People's Director - are those actual preserved (by the low-cost method) Occupiers?!?

 

 

User avatar
Yes, comrade.

This Occu-Bin represent a new socially beneficial product, marketed and distributed by Astroturf Corp., a subsidiary of Soros Benevolent Industries Corp. under the brand name "The Life of Occupy."

Each Occu-Bin contains an entire Occupy camp, freeze-dried and ready to be overnighted by UPS or FedEx to any city in North America where their presence is desired.

Just add water and microwave for five minutes. The recipe is based on Ramen Noodles, which are also included to feed the Occu-Bin content once activated.

Image

 

 


 

User avatar
Comrades! As usual I come fashionably late to topic but I now must share closely guarded State Secret®.

Picture, dated 2007, was sent to me by anonymous Chinese hacker who found it on one of Pentagon's Apple II classified computers. Unknown US Air Force officer is overseeing experimental freeze-drying process of presidential candidate at undisclosed military facility, apparently in laboratory area located behind janitor's shed.

Alas, procedure appears to have been only partially successful. Laboratory specialists were able to dessicate and preserve body but candidate's head remained swollen and filled with fluid...much as it is today.

Barry-O_Freezedry.jpg

 

 

User avatar
Compañeros, may I suggest that instead of supplying free decorative snowdrifts made of durable Styrofoam for those in tropical climates, the fine artisans at Perpetual Dictator could use the enviro-friendly Insta-Snow (just add water)? Because as we all know, Styrofoam is a dangerous and toxic substance that should never be used even in small amounts for insulated cups or take-out food containers.

https://www.instasnow.com/

 

 

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Yes, comrade.

This Occu-Bin represent a new socially beneficial product, marketed and distributed by Astroturf Corp., a subsidiary of Soros Benevolent Industries Corp. under the brand name "The Life of Occupy."

Each Occu-Bin contains an entire Occupy camp, freeze-dried and ready to be overnighted by UPS or FedEx to any city in North America where their presence is desired.

Just add water and microwave for five minutes. The recipe is based on Ramen Noodles, which are also included to feed the Occu-Bin content once activated.

Image


Helpful hints to make your first occupation efforts a success!


[attachment=0]Made Simple 1d.jpg[/attachment]

 

 

User avatar
Comrades Red, I am honored (equally, of course), and thank you for your guidance.

 

 


 
POST REPLY