Image

Jesus didn't exist, but looked like this (progressive study)

User avatar
[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN] [/highlight]
[attachment=0]Jesus.jpg[/attachment]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]On this day - a non-religious, non-offensive, non-appropriated, seasonal holiday when all the stores are closed for some reason and everyone is off work but we don’t know why - let us reflect on something… or someone... that may or may not have meaning to you, depending on your level of privilege.[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]It is that time of year again, when we discuss how brown Jesus was and if he was an illegal immigrant. Comrades, this time, we have been vindicated. Earlier this year, a group of [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]forensic medical artists[/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN], from the Progressive Institute of Fictional Biblical Technologies, decided on the definitive appearance of Jesus. [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]To our delight, and to conservatives’ dismay, Jesus is now determined to have been an average-looking, scruffy, deep olive-skinned man of about 5’1” height (some are calling this description “black.”) This discovery has confirmed the following:[/highlight]
[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN] [/highlight]
  • [highlight=#NaNNaNNaN][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]A dark skin tone means that Jesus would have been an [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]illegal immigrant[/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]. [/highlight]
    [/highlight]

  • [highlight=#NaNNaNNaN][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Conservatives would have banned Jesus from the United States because he was brown. [/highlight]
    [/highlight]

  • [highlight=#NaNNaNNaN][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Therefore, vote for Hillary - she will let all future Jesuses into the United States.[/highlight][/highlight]
[attachment=1]oh-little-town-of-bethlehem.jpg[/attachment]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Jesus didn’t exist, but is newly-discovered to be Middle Eastern[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Even though the Bible never stated what Jesus looked like, and he was clearly from a Middle Eastern area that would not have produced many fair-skinned people, this new discovery still really annoys conservatives. [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]All along, the conservatives have told us that Jesus was a handsome, tall, blue-eyed blond-haired man; a white European Jewish occupier - probably Scandinavian - who somehow ended up in Bethlehem [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN](Matthew 2:24-27.)[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Conservatives say that Jesus would only have loved and saved other tall, blue-eyed blond haired people that looked like him. The new discovery puts a stop to such [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]racist conservative Biblical assumptions.[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Not only was Jesus dark, dark brown, but he was a radical dissident rebel, which means he was definitely a liberal because conservatives are none of those things.[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Jesus didn’t exist, but let him in, and ban his teachings[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]You see, progressive presidents would have ushered Jesus into the United States as a dark brown democrat-voting illegal immigrant, but most of Jesus’ morals and teachings would be banned from schools, government, and personal thoughts (as they are today.) [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]All Bible verses that demand personal accountability should remain banned as fictional. All Bible verses that can be twisted to appear progressive-leaning should be taught as historical fact (albeit a living, breathing historical fact that can be changed at anytime.)[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]We have to act like we would have let Jesus into the country as a [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]“homeless refugee."[/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN] This means allow all illegal immigrant future Jesuses (henceforth to be called "census participants") across our borders, unencumbered. [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]I think this fits in nicely with the cherry-picking progressive view of Biblical history, don’t you? [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Jesus didn’t exist, but must be studied[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]There is another important thing to note about this new scientific discovery. [/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]Jesus definitely wasn’t real. He didn’t exist.[/highlight][highlight=#NaNNaNNaN] The Bible was a novel written over time by multiple authors. This means nothing in it could have really happened. But now that we know what Jesus would have looked like, if he existed, we can continue our push for higher learning of fairy tales.[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]On that note, it is important to the future of human history that scientists continue their studies of what fictional characters might look like today, so that we can understand how silly they really are. We are calling for the scientists at the Progressive Institute for Fictional Biblical Technologies to work on studies of what the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus would look like now. [/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]We must confirm - scientifically - that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus would have been short and brown because conservatives are tall and white. Then we can really rub it in the faces of conservatives that all their fairy tales were actually progressive-leaning.[/highlight]

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]I can’t think of a better use of taxpayer money - can you? Please write to the scientists at the Progressive Institute for Fictional Biblical Technologies and thank them for their discovery.

Happy Saturnalia!
[/highlight]

 

 

User avatar
[quote]PROGRESSIVISM is a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system.

The scientific progressive outlook is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Progressive thinking typically includes persecutory complexes, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me").

Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany progressivism. For example, what most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a progressive person might believe was intentional.[/quote]
Thus, according to the scientific progressive outlook, the depiction of Jesus as a white European by white European artists of the past happened, not because they imagined Jesus to look like everyone else in their neighborhoods, but because they perpetrated a planned microaggression designed to subjugate minorities with the racist paradigm of white supremacism, in order to condition other races to accept the centuries of European colonialism and imperialist expansion.

For this to happen, there needed to exist a highly organized, powerful conspiracy of the elites who knew in advance exactly what was going to happen hundreds of years from when they lived (unless they were immortal) and who possessed the supernatural ability to keep the generally unruly artists of Europe on a short leash.

Below is an example of an early racist microagression perpetrated by the Early Netherlandish painter Dieric Bouts around 1450s, who depicted Jesus and his family as lily-white residents of a gated community, even though he knew perfectly well that they were brown and traveled with fake Syrian passports.

Jesus_White_Man.jpg

 

 

User avatar
I clicked on the Popular Mechanics link and here's what I saw:

Jesus_Reconstructed.jpg
Now there's a scientifically reconstructed documentary:

[img]/images/Walking_With_Jesus.jpg[/img]

 

 

User avatar
And here's another Biblical scene reconstructed by the Progressive Institute for Fictional Biblical Technologies: a short, brown Jesus catches the short, brown Easter Bunny.

[img]/images/Jesus_Catches_Easter_Bunny.jpg[/img]

 

 

User avatar
On a related note, this is what a modern Jesus looks like:

Nativity_Obama_Selfie.jpg

 

 


 

User avatar
Related story:

NEW YORK’S METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART SUED FOR SHOWING PAINTINGS OF JESUS AS WHITE
A New York man has sued the city’s prestigious Metropolitan Museum of Art (locally referred to as “the Met”) for exhibiting paintings depicting Jesus as white, the New York Post is reporting.

Mr. Joseph, speaking to The Post, claimed that the “racist” paintings depicting an “Aryan” Jesus must be removed from the museum because they amount to an “extreme case of discrimination."

In his filing, Mr. Joseph claimed that because he has “bronze skin” and “black hair of wool” like the historical Jesus, instead of the white Jesus in the paintings, he felt “excluded."
Another incident where life imitates the People's Cube.

 

 

User avatar
Maybe we should also sue the museum for displaying the Buddha who is always either Asian or Indian. Not that I want to see a Caucasian Buddha, but leaders of the African-American community must be outraged that nobody has ever made an African-American looking Buddha.

Buddha_Asian.jpg

 

 

User avatar
I think what they're trying to say is...

Caveman Savior.jpg

 

 

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Maybe we should also sue the museum for displaying the Buddha who is always either Asian or Indian. Not that I want to see a Caucasian Buddha, but leaders of the African-American community must be outraged that nobody has ever made an African-American looking Buddha.

The attachment Buddha_Asian.jpg is no longer available

Fooled.jpg

 

 

User avatar
You know comrades, I use the People's Museum for reference. What could go wrong with the state approved museum?

 

 

User avatar
That shown above is one intelligent squirrel! Interestingly enough cheeses and jesus are interchangeable.

 
Last edited by General Confusion on 27 Dec 2015, 16:12, edited 2 times in total.
Reason for editing this post: interesting footnote

 

User avatar
Red Square wrote:I clicked on the Popular Mechanics link and here's what I saw:

Jesus_Reconstructed.jpg
Now there's a scientifically reconstructed documentary:

Image

Ow!, ow!, Ow!

 

 


 
POST REPLY