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How many LGBTQ friends do you have?

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[img]/images/Guilt_Finger_LGBTQ_Friends.jpg[/img]

Comrades, as LGBTQ has now become the most important victim group for the Party (equal only to Muslims), we need to take it a step beyond mere cake justice.

In a glorious ruling from Chief Justice Comrade John Roberts, we obtained a precedent where every person either had to buy ObamaCare or pay a penalty at tax time. Why not follow it up with a mandatory quota of LGBTQ friends?

Either you have three friends who are LGBTQ or you pay a penalty equal to the ObamaCare penalty, proportionate to your income. So, if you fail to have ObamaCare and fail to have enough LGBTQ friends, you could pay the ObamaCare penalty amount twice. We need more money; Dear Leader's retirement is approaching and he will want to travel quite a bit at government expense! So many golf courses, so little time.

Think of it, comrades: total government-mandated tolerance. Pure equality. Everyone has at least three LGBTQ friends. Those who self-identify as LGBTQ will get a waiver. They are already more equal than the hetero-citizens.

Now, you might think that everyone will simply self-identify as LGBTQ to avoid excess paperwork and risking a penalty. But you would be incorrect. We had the science settled back in the 1980s that you are only LGBTQ because you are born that way. So unless you have proof you were born that way, self-identifying as LGBTQ would constitute lying. See how simple it is?

After we condition society into realizing that there is a mandatory minimum number of LGBTQ friends per each registered hetero-citizen, we will start monitoring time they spend with their LGBTQ friends. If some LGBTQs feel lonely, it will be their hetero-friends' duty to solve this problem. At tax time, we will ask for a detailed accounting of how much time they spent with their three or more LGBTQ friends. They must also be sure to divide up said time equally or else that could trigger another financial penalty. Time sheets signed by LGBTQ friends will be a requirement, much like gas receipts.

Upon success of establishing the time quota, spending equal amounts of time with mandated LGBTQ friends will no longer suffice. We will move forward with full reparations for the centuries of discrimination LGBTQ faced. That means you will need to start buying things for them.

Future income tax forms will have the following questions. When you went to dinner with them, did you cover the cost of their meal and tip? Did you pay for their entertainment? Did you cover the fuel and pay to use their car if they did the driving? After a given number of months of declared friendship, have you volunteered to pay for a mortgage for a house they might like? Have you bought them a brand-new luxury car at least once every two years? Failure to provide the right answers backed up with paper trail will result in substantial penalties.

After all, all LGBTQ people want is to be accepted. We need to get behind them with the power of government.

 

 

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I'm trying to find three people with jobs to fund my needs for EBT and Obamacare, and now they have to be homosexual?

 

 

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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:...if you weren't born that way, you can't self-identify as LGBTQ because you would be lying. See how simple it all is?
I always thought the 'L' was for Liars. Are liars not a protected class? If not, then I am uncertain which protected class the majority of our dishonest straight white male party members fall under (i.e. Bill Clinton, Anthony Wiener, Harry Reid, etc.)

 

 

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Don't worry, Ivan. I don't know about the B, the T and the Q, but LG people tend to have more income than other Americans, better education, are more likely to be registered to vote, and are really good at interior decorating. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But my point is that if you find 3 gay friends, they'll probably be employed.

 

 

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Image I have a couple of gay relatives, and one transgendered one, whom I wouldn't trade for the world. As well as friends. I've been avoiding them all for 2 weeks though because I fear we probably have very different opinions about recent events. And I'm chicken.

 

 

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Every group shown in TV commercials these days seems to have at least a single Black member, even a White family around their breakfast table. Have we finally progressed enough to add a single LGBTQ to these same completely representative groups?

 

 

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Brilliant post komrade Linen! The peoples' states must fall in line to establish LGBTQ Ekschanges for straight proles to sign up, or else. The ekschanges will match them with LGBTQ friends in their area. May the Force be with us!

Konservative_Punk wrote:... I am uncertain which protected class the majority of our dishonest straight white male party members fall under (i.e. Bill Clinton, Anthony Wiener, Harry Reid, etc.)

Komrade Punk, they don't need protektion, ekscept by the Propaganda Ministy. With regard to the proles, white male party members do all the protekting of designated hapless viktims....in exchange for votes, of kourse.

Dedhedvedev wrote:Every group shown in TV commercials these days seems to have at least a single Black member, even a White family around their breakfast table. Have we finally progressed enough to add a single LGBTQ to these same completely representative groups?

Yes, komrade Dedhedvedev. We have finally progressed. The obligatory LGBTQ member must be added to every group on TV kommercials, TV shows, and movies. However, for maksimum impakt, they must be unambigously LGBTQ.

 

 

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Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:Image And I'm chicken.

Comrade, you are not a chicken unless you are born that way. Red Rooster has that title.

 

 

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Born that way? It's not a choice to self-identify?

Let's just check that poultry privilege at the door and get on with tending our beets, shall we?

 

 

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Comrade Vlad Linen - one question please...

What if you don't know many people or the people you do know are all straight?

By the way comrades, we played the trainees from Tractor Barn #3 last night and we won! They thought they had us licked after the second inning but we ended up on top and victorious.

we-licked-them-big-time.jpg
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Comrade Putout wrote: ...What if you don't know many people or the people you do know are all straight?...

That is where the LGBTQ Exchanges come in. You will be required to sign up, or else. The exchanges will set you up with the required number of LGBTQ individuals in your area. Don't miss the open enrollment deadline, or else.

 

 

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Comrade Putout wrote:They thought they had us licked after the second inning but we ended up on top and victorious.
Double-entendres noted, scoring two (2) attagirls.

 

 

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I don't understand. What's all this hoopla about bacon, lettuce, and transgendered tomatoes?

 

 

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Gummipuppe wrote:
Dedhedvedev wrote:Every group shown in TV commercials these days seems to have at least a single Black member, even a White family around their breakfast table. Have we finally progressed enough to add a single LGBTQ to these same completely representative groups?

Yes, komrade Dedhedvedev. We have finally progressed. The obligatory LGBTQ member must be added to every group on TV kommercials, TV shows, and movies. However, for maksimum impakt, they must be unambigously LGBTQ.
Gaydy Bunch.jpg

 

 

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Dedhedvedev wrote:
Comrade Putout wrote:They thought they had us licked after the second inning but we ended up on top and victorious.
Double-entendres noted, scoring two (2) attagirls.
I'd like to hear more, that sounds like a juicy story...A game with a team full of switch-hitters getting past third base would be fun to watch.

 

 

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[color=#ff0000]Ivan the Stakhanovets[/color] spoke like a man who knew what he was talking about when he wrote:I'd like to hear more, that sounds like a juicy story... A game with a team full of switch-hitters getting past third base would be fun to watch.
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Indeed Ivan... it was a juicy story. Thank you for writing it!
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switch-hitter.jpg

 

 

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The sacrifices I make for the Kollecktive...

Locker room interviews are a whole lot nicer in the womyns' shower rooms...

 

 

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Comrade Putout, most excellent question! I forgot to address this in my original post. Just like ObamaCare, we need state exchanges. Yes, yes, this will cost billions of dollars. But the rich can pay for it like everything else.

Commissar Kathleen Sebelius will oversee the implementation of this program, considering her glorious work and efficiency in setting up ObamaCare exchanges. She will be assisted by Commissar Barney Frank due to his expertise in this area.

So how does an exchange for getting LGBTQ friends work? Well, it's a little more exclusive than insurance plans. Afterall, a LGBTQ person is in high demand for friends when we put this quota in, and despite superior status to straight people <spit> they still only have 24 hours in their day. So, you must bid on these people. This bid price is over and above your quota of paying for their expenses to satisfy reparations requirements. The federal government gets 10% of the bid price and some states may impose their own tax on this. So, you may have to bid a higher rate in certain states. Other states such as Southern states (except Arkansas, where the handful of LGBTQs and Walmart frightened the governor) may require higher bids due to lack of inventory of LGBTQ people.

Please also note that just like ObamaCare, you have the fun of putting in all your personal information. We've hired the same company who produced healthcare.gov to make the exchanges. Their owner is still a friend of FLATUS, you know. The high quality of security you have come to expect from healthcare.gov will of course be present in LGBTQFriendMatch.gov

Oh and unlike health insurance, we do allow you to bid across state lines.....as long as you can meet the requirements to spend time with your new LGBTQ friends. Air travel is fine and Dear Leader has even signed an executive order saying that use of private jets to accomplish this do NOT contribute to global warming/global cooling/climate change/climate disruption/terminology du jour.

 

 

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Comrade Gummipuppe, oops, totally missed this one. But yes, you are korrekt! Just as we have HealthCare.gov we will have LGBTQFriendMatch.gov.

 

 

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I'm trying to find three people with jobs to fund my needs for EBT and Obamacare, and now they have to be homosexual?

Comrade Ivan, well actually they don't. LBGTQs have to specifically prey on get reparations from people who are not LGBTQ. In particular, we'd like it if mandated reparations providers are Christian.

 

 

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Konservative_Punk wrote:
Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:...if you weren't born that way, you can't self-identify as LGBTQ because you would be lying. See how simple it all is?
I always thought the 'L' was for Liars. Are liars not a protected class? If not, then I am uncertain which protected class the majority of our dishonest straight white male party members fall under (i.e. Bill Clinton, Anthony Wiener, Harry Reid, etc.)

Comrade Konservative Punk, indeed liars are a protected class. In fact, if you want to get anywhere in the party and get a high commissar position, you must meet a quota of lies (as you noted, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Harry Reid and I would add Spitzer, Schumer, Cuomo, Gore, Pelosi, and others.....even non-persons who officially never existed like Sergeant Debbie Hyphenatedname-Schulz). Most of the liars are not LGBTQ and are disgustingly straight (Clinton, Weiner, Spitzer and even Cuomo with his "First Girlfriend"). Then there are others like Dear Leader and Hillary where the jury is out in terms of the team for which they play.

But the current truth says that LGBTQ types are the most virtuous, most honest, most kind, most politically correct, most victimized, most innocent, most important group in the history of our party (with the exception of Mooslims). Our party has declared that they are born this way and they are compelled to do what they do and simply cannot help themselves. So, it makes sense that you cannot suddenly decide that you are LGBTQ just because it might save some paperwork and net you some free stuff under our new reparations for LGBTQ mandate.

In fact, I think that not only should they get to have Christians serve at their weddings, but the service should be free of charge. And they should get a free wedding cake every month along with free photography and floral services as well. They are victims and they deserve this free stuff.

 

 


 

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Well, Komrade Mushelozhstvo, it looks like you and your uh friend get a waiver from this program. And better yet, you can list yourself on the exchange to be bid on, and receive reparation gifts.

 

 

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Does making friends with a BLT count?

 

 

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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:
But the current truth says that LGBTQ types are the most virtuous, most honest, most kind, most politically correct, most victimized, most innocent, most important group in the history of our party (with the exception of Mooslims). Our party has declared that they are born this way and they are compelled to do what they do and simply cannot help themselves. ...

But, komrade Linen, I had the understanding that our black komrades are the most innocent and most important group in the history of our party. Even more innocent and important than muzlums and LGBTQs, unless of course, they are black muzlums, or black LGBTQs, or black muzlum LGBTQs. I mean, they were born black and they can't help but be viktimized by police <spit>, Rethuglicans<spit>, Tea Baggers<spit>, the NRA<spit>, and bus drivers<spit><spit>.

 

 


 

Comrade Putout wrote:.They thought they had us licked after the second inning but we ended up on top and victorious.

That's chewing calling them on the carpet for their counter-revolutionary poofery puffery.

huh-huh-huh, dichotomy ...

 

 

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I think there might be some gay guys among the families that live in my flat but I'll have to start asking as none of us can afford a sense of fashion.

 

 


 


 

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:Image And I'm chicken.

Comrade, you are not a chicken unless you are born that way. Red Rooster has that title.
Ahh Comrade Hammer and Loupe, your thoughts are so "last Tuesday." Just as you are any gender that you feel you are, so are you any species you wish to be, and who is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Just because the medical technology is not yet available for "species reassignment" surgery, we must accept that fact that while one may look human on the outside, one may be chicken, or cow, or gefilte fish, or T. Rex, or any other species on the inside. To deny someone that right is the height of specie-ism, one of the worst of thought crimes.
If I were you, Comrade H & C, I would renounce this hate speech of yours before you are officially and thoroughly denounced by the Twitter and Facebook thought police. Fortunately for you, we at The People's Cube are much more understanding.

 

 

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Great Stalin's Ghost wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Comrade, you are not a chicken unless you are born that way. Red Rooster has that title.
Ahh Comrade Hammer and Loupe, your thoughts are so "last Tuesday." Just as you are any gender that you feel you are, so are you any species you wish to be, and who is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Just because the medical technology is not yet available for "species reassignment" surgery, we must accept that fact that while one may look human on the outside, one may be chicken, or cow, or gefilte fish, or T. Rex, or any other species on the inside. To deny someone that right is the height of specie-ism, one of the worst of thought crimes.
If I were you, Comrade H & C, I would renounce this hate speech of yours before you are officially and thoroughly denounced by the Twitter and Facebook thought police. Fortunately for you, we at The People's Cube are much more understanding.

I am clearly behind the times, my gosh. I apologize to Comrade Kelly. I did not know she was in fact chicken on the inside.

 

 

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Gummipuppe wrote:
Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:
But the current truth says that LGBTQ types are the most virtuous, most honest, most kind, most politically correct, most victimized, most innocent, most important group in the history of our party (with the exception of Mooslims). Our party has declared that they are born this way and they are compelled to do what they do and simply cannot help themselves. ...

But, komrade Linen, I had the understanding that our black komrades are the most innocent and most important group in the history of our party. Even more innocent and important than muzlums and LGBTQs, unless of course, they are black muzlums, or black LGBTQs, or black muzlum LGBTQs. I mean, they were born black and they can't help but be viktimized by police <spit>, Rethuglicans<spit>, Tea Baggers<spit>, the NRA<spit>, and bus drivers<spit><spit>.

But Comrade Gummipuppe, here's how it works: Whichever victim group is being featured in our state media's current feeding frenzy is the most innocent and important group. So, last week in the face of racist wimpy evil rethug Pontius Pence violating mandatory cake and flower justice, our LGBTQ rainbow comrades were the most virtuous, innocent, and most victimized. This week as we have successfully squashed Christians, we're back to black. Maybe next week it will be Mooslims. We need something like below except with victim groups instead of Dear Leader excuses to determine who will be tagged as most virtuous, innocent, and most victimized next week...

[img]/images/various_uploads/Excuse-o-meter_Obama.png[/img]

Now, although blacks are this week's victims, that does NOT include blacks like this guy. He's saying mean and politically incorrect things about last week's victims. We can't really go after him because he's black, but we can totally and completely ignore him.

 

 

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Comrade Red Square, as a Star Wars fan, bravo! Absolutely perfect!

 

 

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I am desperately trying to make one more LGBT friend to meet the quota. All I can find are Hispanic people! May I get a extension or do Hispanic friends count as a reasonable substitute?

 

 

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Comrade Chedoh, I think a reasonable substitute would be an undocumented future American aka illegal who came through the former southern border. Race (artificial construct or otherwise)doesn't matter. Or, anyone who always votes for our party, preferably multiple times in each election.

 

 

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The award winning [color=#ff0000]Chedoh[/color] wrote:I am desperately trying to make one more LGBT friend to meet the quota. All I can find are Hispanic people! May I get a extension or do Hispanic friends count as a reasonable substitute?
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You may substitute a Hispanic man if he is shiny... very shiny!
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cassandro.jpg

 

 

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Comrade Vlad Linen wrote:
But Comrade Gummipuppe, here's how it works: Whichever victim group is being featured in our state media's current feeding frenzy is the most innocent and important group. So, last week in the face of racist wimpy evil rethug Pontius Pence violating mandatory cake and flower justice, our LGBTQ rainbow comrades were the most virtuous, innocent, and most victimized. This week as we have successfully squashed Christians, we're back to black. Maybe next week it will be Mooslims. We need something like below except with victim groups instead of Dear Leader excuses to determine who will be tagged as most virtuous, innocent, and most victimized next week...

[img]/images/various_uploads/Excuse-o-meter_Obama.png[/img]

Now, although blacks are this week's victims, that does NOT include blacks like this guy. He's saying mean and politically incorrect things about last week's victims. We can't really go after him because he's black, but we can totally and completely ignore him.

So, if I am understanding you korrektly, the Party has implemented a Viktim Rotation Program where all viktims are exploited cycled through as needed for politikal purposes, so all get a "fair shot?"

 

 

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Equality of results for all, comrade.

(except white male bitter clinging gun owning heterosexual Christian taxpaying pro-life fools with birth certificates and college degrees and stuff...)

 

 

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Comrade Putout wrote: .
You may substitute a Hispanic man if he is shiny... very shiny!
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My dilemma is over, Comrade! I finally have the answer for my LGBT quota! As a race minority she/he may even bring me a bonus?

 

 

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:Image And I'm chicken.

Comrade, you are not a chicken unless you are born that way. Red Rooster has that title.
I was definitely born chicken. My family never complained about it because they liked having the fresh eggs.

 

 

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So, wait, how are they going to count how much time we spend with our mandatory LGBTQRSTUV friends? Is there a special time clock we have to use? It can't be on the Honor System, or all the evil Kristians will cheat. Is there an app for that?

 

 

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Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:So, wait, how are they going to count how much time we spend with our mandatory LGBTQRSTUV friends? ...

All straight people who have a pulse rate and inhale air will be required to buy and wear body kameras which will be monitored by bureaukrats in the appropriate gubmint agencies. They will make sure we spend the minimum mandatory time. Refusal to buy and wear the kameras will result in a fine (tax?) to be kollekted by the Internal Revenue Schutzstaffel (IRSS). The Supreme Kourt is already kool with the koncept and will provide all necessary rubber stamp rulings if evil Rethuglican and Tea Baggers try to challenge its Constitutionality.

 

 

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:Image And I'm chicken.

Comrade, you are not a chicken unless you are born that way. Red Rooster has that title.
Party has unanimously voted to approve Great Leader Executive Order 1,154,275,298,021 directing Office of Unaffordable Care to move to the front of the line randomly 50% of Kom Rads who were not "born that way" for gender reassignment via saw, needle and thread. The subsequent gender confusion should provide opportunity for all to have many LGBT Kom Rad. Please do not contact me for special treatment, proceed to OUC clinic located in rear of local Butcher Shop. Bring your own Beet Vodka and Leather Belt.

 

 

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When I joined the Army, homosexuality was prohibited.

as I was leaving it became optional with Don't ask Don't tell

I'm afraid it's going to become mandatory.

 

 

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Gummipuppe wrote:
So, if I am understanding you korrektly, the Party has implemented a Viktim Rotation Program where all viktims are exploited cycled through as needed for politikal purposes, so all get a "fair shot?"

Comrade Gummipuppe, I think that is korrekt. But remember it is only viktims as defined by the Current Truth™. They must be the valid holder of a Viktim Identity Card. Only under these circumstances will their particular Viktim Class get attention on state propaganda ministry organs for their suffering™

 

 

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Dr. Worddust wrote:
Party has unanimously voted to approve Great Leader Executive Order 1,154,275,298,021 directing Office of Unaffordable Care to move to the front of the line randomly 50% of Kom Rads who were not "born that way" for gender reassignment via saw, needle and thread. The subsequent gender confusion should provide opportunity for all to have many LGBT Kom Rad. Please do not contact me for special treatment, proceed to OUC clinic located in rear of local Butcher Shop. Bring your own Beet Vodka and Leather Belt.

Comrade Dr. Worddust, most glorious! Now, Commissar Zuckerberg has declared that there are 50 different gender types and his People's Facebook now has these listed. So, when there is random reassignment, how do you decide which one to use? Do you throw dice, then do some special equations using Kommon Kore math with friendly numbers, and come up with an answer? Do you randomly take a lotto number suggestion from a fortune cookie? Do you blindfold the people, spin then around, and then have them point to a set of numbers on a wall each representing one of the 50 gender types? Or do you use another scientific methodology?

 

 

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Comrade Red Square, thank you so much for adding this to the Mother Page!

 

 

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Let us all sing together: "When I'm not near the LGBTQFIFTYSEVENVARIETIES I love, I love the LGBTQFIFTYSEVENVARIETIES I'm near..."

 

 

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That was most invigorating. All the innuendos perked my interest up. This is serious situation. I knew a G one time many many years ago. However he retired and left the State and I now do not know where he may be, a friend of mine has a L daughter and I have met her friends as well as her, now, former girl/boy friend. I saw a bunch of T's in Minneapolis once. In a parade of the entire alphabet. However in all honesty none of them had shovels or beet farms and I did not feel at all welcome. I will endeavor to falsifyprovide a list of made up names.

 

 

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I just get out of Gulag of just being able to see glorious peoples cube site from Counterfeit Apple ][e in Glorious Green Screen phosphors in order to post using 16 colour computer that was smuggled in.

Only to find that there are all these new letters to describe the peoples, back in my day we only had one Glorious letter that starts the word Glorious to describe Mandatory bunk mate in Gulag that I must get close to in gulag for body heat on cold Siberian nights.

How can we be Equal if We have LGBLTPQRSTUVWXYZABC to describe what other People Units other People want to share their state approved housing with????

I miss glorious daze when we all just had Numbers instead of names, and two Letters instead of whole alphabet...

 

 


 
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