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Democrats Unleash Perfect Presidential Candidate

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In the wake of embarrassing missteps by Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley on the campaign trail, the Democratic National Committee today announced that it has successfully recruited the perfect candidate, one that can both mobilize the entire Democratic Party base and destroy any Republican that dares challenge.

The newcomer to the race, 42-year-old Geralda Hernandez-Brown, was discovered in Atlanta by DNC operatives. Born to undocumented immigrant Maria Hernandez, and Theo “Pookie” Brown, whose ancestors once slaved in the cotton and tobacco fields of Georgia and the Carolinas, Gerald Hernandez-Brown underwent a sex change operation in 2005, and now considers xyrself gender-fluid.

“Xhe's ideal in every way,” said DNC spokesman Christina Freundlich. “I mean, even the children from before the operation... one killed by a cop, one dead from a botched back alley abortion, climate change-induced heat stroke...the list just keeps going. Can you believe that we stumbled upon xer beneath the I-285 overpass?”

Asked whether Geralda's religious beliefs could provide any insight to the American people regarding xer convictions and character, Freundlich exclaimed “of course xhe doesn't believe in any god, that would be ridiculous, but xhe gets along very well with people of any faith that gives free stuff to the poor.” Added Freundlich, “which is pretty much all of them.”

When interviewed, Democratic voters largely welcomed the addition of Hernandez-Brown to the field.

Will Green of Toledo, OH, said “Hillary is a tool of the corporatists, and Sanders and O'Malley are old white males. Finally, somebody that understands the struggle and the importance of social programs. Somebody truly worth my vote!”

Qeesha D'Antelo of Fresno, CA responded “I had such high hopes for Obama, but now I realize that he's half-white. And while he definitely doesn't go out of his way to act like a man, he has never publicly denounced his whitemale privilege. Geralda is exactly the kind of hero I can believe in!”

Cautioned “Wolf” in Brooklyn, “sounds good, but where does xhe stand on fair trade coffee?”

Few Republican candidates were willing to answer questions about the viability of Hernandez-Brown's candidacy, but Marco Rubio was candid. “Look, I'm Latino, Ben [Carson] is black, Carly [Fiorina] is a woman... most of us have great stories to tell and great ideas for the future, but we can't withstand Geralda. As soon as we say the first word, there will be universal cries of racism, or sexism, or transphobia. And none of us receives welfare; we're the evil one-percent compared to xer. I hear that Scott [Walker] and John [Kasich] have already dropped out.”

Donald Trump vowed to continue his candidacy, acknowledging “I'm f***ed, but I have a lot of money and nothing better to do.”

To a packed auditorium at Emory University, Hernandez-Brown formally announced xer candidacy with a conciliatory nod to those who still believe in the American dream: “President pay how much? Shit yeah I can be President!”

 

 


 

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I'll be having nightmares about that photo!

 

 

Long time no see. Good to see you maintaining standards of hilarity.

 

 

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Mentioned in the Gates of Vienna with a few paragraphs about the Cube -

A Little Insider Baseball (U.S.-type) News

The People’s Cube, on the other hand, does wonderful satire. They are pluperfectly superb in this genre, as well they ought to be: Comrade site-owner is a real, genu-wine escapee from that unwilling Russian slave state, Ukraine.

Did I say this was satire? Oh, good. Because it is, you know. Satire, I mean. Kilroy’s essay, “Democrats Unleash Perfect Presidential Candidate”, is only understandable if you know who Geraldo is...

 

 


 
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