19 and Counting: How to tell age in prog years












Navigator
Finally...a reason to become progressive....I think.....Beware. For a progressive, thinking is unauthorized. So is seeking "reasons." Fie.


RedDiaperette
...Fie.Hey! You can't use the "F" word on a family friendly website!
I'll not report you to the thought police this time, leave your vodka ration card in the toolbox at the door of tractor barn #2, I'll take care of it from there.
(Cats. Absolutely untrainable...)


Ivan the Stakhanovets
RedDiaperette
...Fie.Hey! You can't use the "F" word on a family friendly website!
I'll not report you to the thought police this time, leave your vodka ration card in the toolbox at the door of tractor barn #2, I'll take care of it from there.
(Cats. Absolutely untrainable...)
Well, then ... Pfui. And untrainable, you say? Pfui again. I will have you know I have been using a litter box since kittenhood.
However, in lieu of my ration card, which has been loaned out to a starving family of Americans-in-Waiting, I have left a case of liquid refreshment behind the door of said tractor barn. You may spread the wealth around if you wish. If you do not wish ... who am I to judge?


1. Find age in Gregorian Year Units.
2. Refer to this schedule to determine how much to add/subtract from the Gregorian Year Unit Number:
Communist | Subtract 500 |
Marxist | Subtract 150 |
Stalinist or Leninist | Subtract 100 |
Socialist | Subtract 110 |
Progressive | Subtract 75 |
Democrat | Subtract 50 |
Feminist | Subtract 25 |
Kollektivist | Subtract 225 |
Disbelief in American Exceptionalism | Subtract 175 |
Owner of Che Guevara T-Shirt | Subtract 2 |
Owner of Che Guevara T-Shirt Purchased from Che-Mart.com | Subtract 7 |
Is Hillary Clinton | Subtract 500 |
Is Karl Marx | Subtract 10000 |
Is Vladimir Lenin/Joseph Stalin | Subtract 1000 |
Lives in California/Seattle | Subtract 5 |
Owns Hybrid or Electric Car | Subtract 2 |
Uses Public Transport as Main Means of Travel | Subtract 7 |
Is a Democratic/Green/Socialist/Communist Presidential Candidate | Subtract 750 |
Makes less than $10,000 a year | Subtract 1 |
Makes less than $5,000 a year | Subtract 3 |
Makes less than $1,000 a year | Subtract 5 |
On welfare or steals everything they need to live | Subtract 20 |
Moderate | Add 5 |
Constitutionalist | Add 55 |
Libertarian | Add 65 |
Republican | Add 75 |
Capitalist | Add 200 |
Free-Market Capitalist | Add 250 |
Conservative | Add 150 |
Belief in American Exceptionalism | Add 60 |
Tea Party Supporter and/or Member | Add 50 |
Owns a Pickup Truck | Add 10 |
Owns More Than One Vehicle | Add 15 |
Owns a Diesel-Powered Vehicle | Add 50 |
is a Founding Father | Add 1000 |
Is a Republican/Libertarian/Constitutionalist Presidential Candidate | Add 500 |
Makes more than $35,000 a year | Add 30 |
Makes more than $55,000 a year | Add 40 |
Makes more than $100,000 a year | Add 50 |
Makes more than $500,000 a year | Add 75 |
Makes more than $1,000,000 a year | Add 100 |
Makes more than $5,000,000 a year | Add 500 |
Makes more than $10,000,000 a year | Add 750 |
Makes more than $50,000,000 a year | Add 1000 |
Makes more than $1,000,000,000 a year | Add 2000 |
3. How to read the Prog Year Unit result:
(Note on Negatives: More is used in a mathematically incorrect way to make things simple. Example: -15 would be "more" than -10.)
Positive, more than 1000 - Open up, we have a special "gift" for you.
Positive, more than 750 - Please come with us, don't mind the shovel and wool trenchcoat, you'll find out what to do with them later.
Positive, more than 500 - You can't be fixed.
Positive, more than 100 - Lots of work to do, We have our eyes on you.
Positive, more than 50 - Still have some work to do.
Positive, more than 10 - Getting close!
Positive, less than 10 - Just a little bit more. Either that or the State Calculator malfunctioned.
Zero - Make it negative and you're golden.
Negative, less than -10 - Take your remediation classes, they're free and you'll get that number down in no time!
Negative, more than -10 - You're coming along just fine!
Negative, more than -50 - Good Prog. Very Good Prog.
Negative, more than -100 - Komissar material. Be sure to put your name in at the next Komissar Raffle.
Negative, more than -500 - Komissar with a few Medals. You'll get them in the mail later in the week.
Negative, more than -1000 - Sign these papers and you'll have a good chance of becoming Director once the current one dies.
Negative, more than -5000 - An honorary director. No actual power or benefits but the title can get you places.
Negative, more than -10000 - You're the New Director. The old one is, well, "on ice".
I hope that this study has improved the Kollektive and/or it's government.