Global Warming


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Obama's Website Solves World's Energy Crisis

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Barack Obama has unveiled a new plan for equitable consumption and distribution of global energy, aimed to level the playing field and give Americans a realistic chance to become accepted as equals by members of the global community in the fight to end global warming. "If you were born a sheepherder in a nomadic village in Sub Saharan Africa, why shouldn't you be getting the same quotas of gasoline, food, and electricity as an American consumer?" explains Iona Morningwood, Senior Policy Advisor on matters of resource allowance for the Obama campaign.

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Jobless GM Automakers Celebrate Saving The Planet

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American automakers responded with great enthusiasm to yesterday's decision by General Motors to compost its gas-guzzling business model and close four pickup truck and SUV plants - a unilateral gesture of good will towards reducing global warming and helping the environment that will result in 10,000 lost jobs.

The automaker communities are widely celebrating the event with eco-friendly block parties, Earth fairs, outdoor concerts of New Age music, drum circles in the wilderness, meditations, body painting, and unrhymed poetry readings that venerate the earth as a living, spiritual being that feels pain when it is being violated by anthropogenic global warming climate disruption and being drilled for oil.

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Volcano Releases One Trillion Cow Farts Into Atmosphere

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On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored global warming climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into global warming climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?"

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Anthropogenic Continental Drift: An Incoherent Truth

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Industrial Nations Threaten Globe Again

A new menace to the planet, more dire than global warming, has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists: Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract this man-made threat to the world's habitats.

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Earth Day: Bush Shovels Earth In Punishment

Earth Day:
a day of action to save the earth from farmers, ranchers, mining, timber, oil, chemical companies, and anyone else who seeks to utilize the earth's resources to enhance, enrich, and extend the lives of Americans and others worldwide. Characterized by the media's massive awareness drive to (a) remind the world that American capitalists are raping the earth and stealing its riches, thus causing all of the planet's environmental problems; (b) advocate a greater government control of land, resources, and industries; and (c) increase the constantly growing white male guilt levels. A great way to politicize spring cleaning and give an ideological rationalization for the rebirth of nature.
(From The People's Glossary)
Semantically saving the earth from Global Warming

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Pascal's Global Warming Wager: Amen and Hallelujah!

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It is a scientific fact that Global Warming provides the means for the ignorant to declare with absolute certainty that they know the unknowable -- Laika The Space Dog

Since man-made Global Warming is becoming increasingly unknowable and avoids being accurately measured, progressive scientists are working hard on new arguments to convince the masses in the necessity to believe in it. In lieu of objective criteria it boils down to a simple matter of faith: Global Warming is, or It is not. But to which side shall the progressive masses incline? In a stunning breakthrough, researchers at Karl Marx Treatment Center have developed a revolutionary concept of the People's Cube Global Warming Wager which proves that believing in Global Warming is more advantageous than not believing. It's similar to the Pascal's Wager argument, only it's more progressive.

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Open Letter to President Gore

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Your Excellency:

I am frightened. Very frightened.
Because I have seen the trailer for your classic film, An Inconvenient Truth.

Your cinematic skills taught me that the future is one of "hundreds of millions of refugees," fires, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear disasters, and terrifying PowerPoint slides - all occurring within seven seconds.

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Global Warming Vodka: Cheap Alternative Solution

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Speaking about free Cadillac-quality medical services from cradle to grave, this baby runs best on ethanol as proven by our Soviet comrades whose extensive research into cheap alcohol-based solutions is well-known. It also shortens the distance between cradle and grave, which saves the government a lot resources. With this in mind we invented a new alternative product that is now quickly replacing Kool-Aid® as preferred mind-altering substance of progressive elites:

Corn ethanol based
GLOBAL WARMING VODKA!


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Oscars 2007: Notes From The Politburo

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On behalf of The People™, the Party, and the Politburo we express our satisfaction with the Film Academy for staying within the constrains of the narrowly defined Party line while delivering a correct set of Party-approved talking points to the knuckle-dragging American public at the Oscars this Sunday. Some comrades have voiced concerns about this year's lack of inspiring progressive rhetoric, but please remember that the Democrat victory in Congress has marked the beginning of a new era of lukewarm tepidness, which calls for lukewarm and tepid shows in life, politics, and television. The Oscars succeeded in doing exactly that. The polarizing times of Michael Moore are over. Hollywood has been given a new assignment - to soothe and desensitize the previously torn and deliberately wounded nation, reuniting it under the banner of moderation, centrism, multiculturalism, socialism, alternative lifestyles, and Global Warming.

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Al Gore's Oscar/Nobel Acceptance Speech (Draft)

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The People's Cube has obtained a draft of Al Gore's Oscar acceptance speech to be read in full, uninterrupted by music, at Hollywood's Kodak Theater on Feb. 25. The same speech, with minor adjustments for local weather, will also be delivered in Oslo City Hall on Dec. 10, where Al Gore is hoping to receive a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in putting Global Warming on the front burner of class struggle. Below is the full text of Al Gore's speech:

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Activist Lawsuit: God Guilty of Malicious Climate Change

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Fight against climate change has taken a new dimension Monday as a new legal defense group, Spiritual Lawyers Against Natural Disasters (SLAND), initiated international class-action litigation against God for the environmental destruction and Global Warming that has resulted from acts that He has caused to occur. "For many years enviro-activists, spearheaded by Al Gore and financed by trial lawyers, have been pointing to human greed, oil industries, and Western capitalism-based societies as the main causes of Global Warming," said SLAND lead attorney and Executive Director, Peacedove Handwring at a press conference. "While all these factors are a fine cause for international insurance litigation, the primary culprit of climate change that is more powerful and more difficult to deal with, has so far escaped attention of our lawyers. That culprit is God."

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Global Warming: Alaska Needs More Air Conditioners

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Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day.
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism.

"Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!"

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Bush Finds Cheap, Non-Addictive Energy Source

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Inspired by President Bush's new initiative to switch from "addictive oil" to less addictive, healthier energy sources that help curtail global warming, a team of crack researchers at the Halliburton labs have discovered a new powerful source of energy that is cheaper and more reliable than wind, water, or ethanol - and is widely available in the United States.

The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into environmentally clean electrical power. As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution that causes global warming and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.

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America Strikes Back At The Environment

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As Americans are trying to come to grips with nature's attack on the Gulf Coast, reports are growing about an increased level of hate crimes against environment in US cities and rural areas. In Georgia, a man was arrested for screaming environmental slurs at the passing clouds and threatening them with a shotgun, while in other areas local residents were seen "accidentally" ramming trees, rocks, and flowery hedges with their cars, trucks, and SUVs. No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards the environment in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged out of the vehicle and beaten with sticks by a gang of angry neighbors. Needless to say, global warming has increased.

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Uncle Gore's CarbonKid™ BabyPower Generator

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The masses often ask me, "Comrade Gore, why not power our houses by collecting the static electricity created by rubbing woolens and balloons against our hair and skin? Is this not the true People's Power that will end forever the greed and oppression of Big Electricity by giving them a jolt of the Revolution?"

Here's my answer. I came up with it during one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless consumers, causing unlimited amounts of global warming. They don't contribute anything to society except waste, gas, noise, and general disturbance...

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Vengeful Science Sends Fire and Brimstone on Bible Belt

ImageRobert F. Kennedy Jr. promises hell to unbelievers unless they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due with the hand of humility. "Lo! Science is Forgiving, Merciful!"

As Hurricane Katrina dismantles Mississippi's Gulf Coast, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the firebrand scientist of the fundamentalist strain of environmental doctrine and The People's™ other Global Warming Savior, has unleashed a fiery sermon at The Huffington Post offices, stating that Americans had brought the devastation upon themselves for sinning against Science."Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty last night as the hurricane approached, it would have been turned aside, for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared the ultraprogressive pulpiter who is sometimes criticized for interpreting scientific texts too literally. "But Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour went against science, they sealed their ears to Science's prophets, and for that Science unleashed its wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall be their home: an evil fate!"

"It is a mortal sin to think that Science is open to interpretation, that scientific phenomena can mean more than one thing, or that Global Warming Climate Change has a million factors! That would be just as bad as the ludicrous literal interpretation of Scripture by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight those who do not profess the true faith! Remember that Science gives firmness to the believers, and it instills terror into the hearts of the unbelievers!"

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Media Saddened As Ernesto Fails To Liberate Property In Florida

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As widely anticipated hurricane Ernesto disaster failed to materialize, media networks are growing increasingly frustrated with the Bush Administration's handling of everything. "I prepared a perfectly credible report on the connection between hurricanes, Global Warming, racism, and Prescott Bush," says devastated CNN newsman Lou Dobbs. "What am I to do now? Report on how Karl Rove's weather machine stopped the hurricane to help Republicans win elections and lower oil prices? Uhm... gotta write that down."

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ImageAl Gore in his living room taking apart Tipper's Blackberry to see what's in it.
Visit Al Gore's Q&A column! New and improved! Every single question answered!

New inventions added
TIP: scroll to the bottom of the page
  • Goreculator
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  • EarwaxBerry
  • Democrat-Majority Outhouse
  • Ethernet cable that cuts the middle man
  • Renewable Light Beer
  • Carbon Bigfoot™ Jet-Fueled Barbecue Grill
  • AirBust™ one-engine twin-hulled airliner
  • Goreman Church of Climatology™ Global Warming E-Book

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Anthropogenic Global Warming Groupthink