A Window Into The Progressive Future




New Year's Drunken Incident Sends Cube Into Wormhole

As the entire People's Cube collective celebrated the New Year with extra rations of beet vodka, all wishing for a faster arrival of a better, centrally planned, state-subsidized, and more tractable future, our massively inebriated collective willpower somehow opened a wormhole in the temporal reality.

At the same time, as we clanked our tin cups, some vodka spilled into the server's Motherboard and started a reaction that rearranged zeros and ones in the Mother Code, linking it to the People's Cube database as it will exist in the year 2100 instead of 2010 2011. The result is a direct RSS newsfeed from the future. This is a Mother Page from the People's Cube as it will exist in the year 2100 instead of 2010 2011. MORE



Congress Passes New Law of Thermodynamics

In a bid to free the nation from foreign oil and bring its carbon footprint to naught, Congressional Democrats passed a new law of thermodynamics, which states, "From each according to ability; to each according to need." This should lead to real energy independence once supply of energy becomes independent of its demand.

In practical terms, the new legislation establishes a new energy regime called "greenergy," according to which supply will match demand based on need and not on any particular technology's ability. Under this scheme, alternating current (AC) will be replaced with alternative current. The new AC will work by adjusting the needy consumer rather than the supply. Said one Senator, "For alternative energy we need an alternative consumer. That much is clear."

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Fight for Cultural Equality: UN Legitimizes Cannibalism, Slavery

The Intergovernmental Cultural Climate Change Panel (ICCCP) declared its support for the recent UN announcement that all cultures are equally valid.

Expanding on the resolution the group declared the rights of people are now culturally defined, rather than being based on any universal notion or concept. They suggest the term "human rights" is therefore both outmoded and racist as it would impose value for human life which some cultures don't accept. They recommended the term "multi-cultural peoples' rights" be used instead.

"We take the announcement to mean our practices of torture, vendetta, and suppression of women and minorities dating back centuries have now been recognized as just different cultures different ways of doing things differently," said ICCCP spokesman Moussa Stache. "This measure will finally legitimize the long-sought revival of some of our members' traditional practices of cannibalism, slavery, head-hunting, and human sacrifice. Every society has rights to human rites."

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Frontiers of Justice: Equal Redistribution of Punishment for All

In order to bring about the socialist paradise embodied in the phrase, "From each according to ability, to each according to need," we must not only apply this principle to the productive and unproductive in society, but also extend it to the anti-productive, i.e., the criminal.

If reward is unrelated to the degree of production, then punishment should also be unrelated to the degree of criminality, i.e., anti-production. It is clearly unfair that one person should be imprisoned for life while another serves a mere 30-day sentence. We propose all punishment should be equal regardless of criminal ability.

Only when we have equal reward and equal punishment for every citizen can we be a just society of total equality. Since people live to different ages, a one-year sentence will be greater punishment for the shorter-lived than the longer-lived. Therefore, the only fair and equitable punishment would be life in prison for everyone. That would be the ultimate embodiment of social and economic equality.

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Franken Center for the Criminally Obese Opens

President Shabaaz-Kennedy and [his] [husband] toured the new Franken Center for the Criminally Obese in preparation for a visit by UN Secretary General Castro. The Center's Progressive barrier-free design enabled [Mr.] Castro's cryogenic chamber access to every section of the facility. The assembled dignitaries were pleased with the matching ensembles of the camp's mandatory guests which help empower a healthy spirit of democratic unitedness. Tres fashionable gray and black vertical stripes provide a bit of slimming trompe l'eoil to boot.

The visitors gave a thumbs-up to the dual-purpose treadmills, which not only help rehabilitating guests slim down to legal weight, but also generate greenergy to reduce blackout times for our overworked carbon-free electrical grid. First [husband] and Secretary of Czars Jhaiymee Kennedy-Saad was especially impressed with rows of ovens generously provided by Deutcheskiln for baking loaves of calorie-free NaturBread fueled by fat liposuctioned from the mandatory guests themselves.

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Global Warming Consensus Reaches 130% with -50% Against

It's official: the consensus for Man-made Climate Change is now over-unanimous. The results from a recent poll conducted by the Mann-Hansen Group strongly support Man-made Climate Change theories by 130% for to -50% against. This unprecedented result was obtained by counting a 'no' vote as a negative response which is added by subtracting. This also generates a positive feedback raising the pro vote beyond the 100% level.

Explained a Mann-Hansen expert, "Yes, the numbers don't exactly add up to 100, a discrepancy we attribute to the carbon offset, as the poll takers, being life forms, have quite a bit of carbon in them. In any case, the whole thing has man's carbon fingerprints all over it. Our computer models can rectify this using the customary Flexible Up and Down Guess Estimate, or FUDGE factor. This might seem unnatural, but Man-made Climate Change is unnatural, so the consensus may as well be, too. You have to fight fire with fire."

He continued, "The Precautionary Principle would seem to imply we act with caution, but as the consensus has passed the 100% tipping point, it no longer applies. This invokes the Post-Cautionary Principle meaning radical, precipitous action is now required. Which is what we've been saying all along, only now we've produced some overwhelming numbers to back us up."

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UN Streamlines Decision-making by Dumping Democracies

A block of nations comprised solely of dictatorships and absolute monarchies has proposed a resolution to change the bylaws of the UN restricting democracies from voting. Said a spokesman for the group, "The international community believes in one man, one vote. Face it, we're the only one-man governments here." Should this be adopted they also propose the UN General Assembly be renamed the General's Assembly.

The first order of business for the group is to streamline the UN process. The notoriously lengthy UN debates take too much time, often resulting in bad or inept decisions. The new process will bring the same results in one third of the time. A statement dictated to the press said, "Democracies are inefficient when making decisions. We can improve the UN by eliminating the inefficient. Hard decisions are only hard because people are given choices. Our way makes hard decisions easy."

No dissenting members from any block member state could be reached for comment.

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Neologisms (For inclusion into 2100 Biden-Webster Dictionary)

  • Condecession: set-asides or subsidies to groups one feels sorry for.
  • Defaulty setting: Something incorrect that's widely believed because it was the first explanation proposed rather than because there was any actual evidence or proof.
  • Dimprovement: A bad, dimwitted improvement that isn't better, often worse. (Can you say New Coke, Vista operating system or nationalized health care?)
  • Feelosophy: positions and policies adopted because they make you feel good or virtuous rather than on any reasoned basis or because they could possibly work.
  • Iconoklatch: group of nonconformists who uniformly conform to an "alternative" set of standards.
  • Infopinion: The intermingling of news and opinion so that it's hard to tell which is what. Often called analysis.
  • Literateur: Someone who talks about and refers to books they've never actually read. Think Wealth of Nations or Das Kapital.
  • Malapropitization: Needlessly adding prefixes and suffixes to words to make yourself sound erudite, more scholarlisticalful.
  • Nincomproof: A line of thinking both logical yet so unreasonable only an idiot or an intellectual would buy it.
  • Oprahtunity: The chance to cash in on fame in one area in another area you really have no qualification for. (Al Gore for instance.)
  • Psychophant: A lunatic follower of a lunatic leader. (See Marxist-Leninist)
  • Sophistreatment: A "fake but accurate" film treatment. Such as any "documentary" film by Michael Moore, or docudrama by Oliver Stone.
  • Shamnesia: a condition where one cannot remember personal details or incidents on the advice of their attorney.
  • Spoofemism: Play on words making fun of a euphemism. Like calling a bald guy "tonsorially challenged."
  • Straw-man Poll: a poll where the questions are composed to get only the answer you're looking for.
  • Wishteria: A craze people fall for because they want it to be true. (Also see Obamania.)
  • Xenotopia: Something you find unbearable but, strangely, other people desire.
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Nancy Pelosi to Join Borg Collective

After 94 years of leading the Democrat-majority Congress, Rep. Nancy Pelosi retires to take the position as manager of a multi-billion hive mind of the Borg Collective. "My previous existence as Madam Speaker, combined with cutting-edge plastic surgeries have fully prepared me for this dream job," said the Democrat Representative from San Francisco. "Ever since I was a little girl, all I really wanted in life was to become a biomechanical hive queen in a Borg campaign to assimilate Earth and force humans to appreciate the benefits of enhanced living as mindless drones controlled by collective consciousness."

Speaker of the House continued, "As soon as Walter Reed switches my vital-essence tubes and the architect's plans for my plastic surgeries from Congress to the Borg Collective, I shall be able to administer the collective consciousness of a billion people, who speak not with a billion voices, but with my voice, which is the point of the exercise.

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