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Obama Saves Earth From Apocalypse: What's Next?

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As we celebrate our narrow escape from the Mayan-Republican Apocalypse of December 21, 2012, the American media is living up to its reputation as the people's fearless truth-teller, by correctly attributing our miraculous collective salvation to Barack Obama. The consensus among the media experts and celebrities can be best expressed by this unbiased quote from CNN: "If you don't think Obama is god, you're just stupid."

According to an ancient prophecy, the Mayan calendar would end on 12/21/2012 with a big comet (or other large-caliber assault weapon that the NRA protects from government control) falling off a physical cliff and striking the United States in karmic retaliation for Bush's tax cuts and suppression of undocumented Mayan voters in swing states. Some experts estimated that, in addition to total death and destruction, this could result in the loss of all accrued Social Security benefits and free government-mandated health care, as well as a severe climate change as the planet would burn to a crisp.
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As the dreaded date approached, the media downplayed the Doomsday prediction as some authentic New Age gibberish propagated by people using medical marijuana for non-medicinal purposes. Such moral and intellectual guidance helped to stave off panic among the middle class working families, which could lead to a scarcity of wait staff at bistros that media personalities patronize. Privately, however, they realized that the prophecy was true and that we were all doomed.

But, as members of the fourth estate heroically passed their final hours feasting on wine and cheese while cursing people who disagreed with them on Twitter, something wonderful happened: NOTHING! It was like the fiscal cliff negotiations writ large.

Suddenly, as if by magic, all top-shelf, professional, state-accredited journalists across the nation knew the truth: the reason for both nothings were the actions of president Obama.

As skeptics and other racists predictably question Obama's divine intervention, the media's answer to their conspiracy theories is clear: it's December 22nd and we are all here, aren't we? The world, including GM, is still alive - and Bin Laden is still deader than the majority of Chicago voters. What more proof do you need?

The fact that Obama single-handedly delivered us from the eternal abyss is consistent with his prior unprecedented accomplishments.

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In the past four years, Barack Obama repeatedly saved the U.S. economy just by being himself - not to mention his generous spending of trillions of dollars in virtual public money on unsustainable energy projects, Chinese contractors, Finnish automakers, Brazilian oil rigs, Mexican drug cartels, Arab Spring rebels, and international labor unions - as well as multi-million dollar vacations at taxpayer expense in Spain, Hawaii, and other economic disaster areas.

Obviously, if Bush were still president, the world would have ended on December 22nd and nothing could have saved humanity from certain ruin.

Now that Mr. Obama has outdone himself by saving the planet, it boggles the mind to think what he might do in the next four years of his historic presidency.
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UPDATE:
This truthful reporting has just been published in the Communities section of The Washington Times, with due credit to "Opiate of the People."

 

 

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Ah yes comrade Opiate, The "One", in all his great benevolence has given us yet another chance to the proles & peasants to be the best little beet digger you can be. I make sure that my alter remains clean after I give burnt rethuglikkkan offerings and even had it displayed on an equally communist website, to the greater glory of the "ones" Oneness! Merry Marxmas and a happy new Kwanzaa!

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I think this is a very true and accurate statement -- dear leader prevented us from going over the Mayan cliff. We should all be wetting our pants in excitement. Perhaps an offering to the Hussein god Of Socialist Endeavors would be in order? Might I volunteer Harry Reid??

 

 

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Obama saves Earth from ancient Mayan prophecy!

President proclaims "I got the whole world in my hands."

 

 

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Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:We should all be wetting our pants in excitement. Perhaps an offering to the Hussein god Of Socialist Endeavors would be in order? Might I volunteer Harry Reid??

I hope not - if we do, the oceans will start to rise again. Then, we would be doomed and Obama would have to save us again. Then, we would have to wet our pants in excitement again, and so on, and so on. Oh wait, that's not as monotonus and pointless as it sounds, it is actually what most progressives would consider UTOPIA!

 

 

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Praise The One! With a single stroke of his mighty Hammer and Sickle he has warded off the Nibiru peril! Our Global Socialist Revolution is saved!


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The God KarlMarkulkan is sated with the blood sacrifice of Rethuglikkkans and through the intermediataion of the High Priest Hussein the life giving sun will return.

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Dear Leader has made the ultimate sacrifice to appease the Mayan god. He has sacrificed the United States.

 

 

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Comrade Red States,

Why are these blue men having erect nipples?

 

 

Craptek, one could speculate that a true self sacrificing minion slave to the God-State looks forward with great spiritual and physical anticipation - indeed mayhaps even titilation - to his imminent slaughter for the common good by participating directly in the glorification of KarlMarxulkan and, in (non greedy) return, finally achieving what all those who fail to define the self crave....non-existence.

 

 

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Ah yes comrades,

The "Ones" Oneness is just so awesome to behold that most lowly peasants cannot look upon him without falling to their knees in humble suplication and holding up their meager offerings of beets for this most special Marxmas/Kawanzaa time of year.

For all of you comrades that are made up of the wrong color to properly understand Kawanzaa, I offer this short graphic that a lowly comrade of mine had to endure.
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All joking aside, I believe Obama did, in a way, save us from the Mayan Apocalypse. Earth needed to enter the next phase of enlightenment and as long as those troglodyte Conservatives were in power the only answer was scorched earth and start over with those enlightened few who survived. But now, with Obama and the Progressives in control of the most powerful country on earth, the universe may have given a reprieve and taken a "wait and see" attitude.

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All is well, comrades - all is as it should be.

 

 

I'll just keep believing in the god Cyp. The Lord Cyp says, "When you die, you go to a bar. And the better the booze you drink, and better company you keep, the better the bar you will enter in your new life to come. Yea, and shun the unbelievers who do not imbibe, for they shall be banished and cast out for to inhabit the salad bar."
Nasdrovia

 

 

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UPDATE:
This truthful reporting has just been published in the Communities section of The Washington Times, with due credit to "Opiate of the People."

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Comrades, the inclusion of this article in the Washington Times is a glorious day indeed for the Cube—as if the Great Leader's ultimate power of saving this world from eternal doom wasn't good news enough! Celebrate accordingly with the beet-induced beverage of your choice and have a Merry Marxmas!!

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Have a very Merry Christmas, everyone! And here's to a truly glorious 2013! Салют!

Luke 2:8-20

 

 

Financial Apocalypse is next with the same amount of convincing hype. Do not believe the Trotsky's who say that the gov't brings in enough to pay the interest on the Chinese loan without raising the national debt ceiling.

Do not believe the liars who say that public debt is a public vice.

 

 

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I have a feeling this is connected in some way to the "We have ten years to save the planet" article that was published recently. Is why the 2006 one was wrong in the article?

 

 


 
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