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Man-Made Warming Blamed for Disappearing Bird Populations

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A research team working on a two-million-dollar government grant just made a shocking discovery: intense man-made heat waves are decimating bird populations throughout the globe, including the birds that were recently thriving in local neighborhoods.

According to the researchers, anthropogenic warming-related activities are directly responsible. Steady temperature increases, especially when confined to small areas, target inactive birds that can no longer fly away to avoid the consequences. As man made induced heat waves are being absorbed across the skin, the affected birds begin to turn brown.

The research team was led by Moon Batts, a professor of biology and Paul Choom, a professor of natural studies who issued a joint statement: "These incidents illustrate a need for an increase in government spending on further research in order to predict with accuracy the amount of more government spending needed to further study the effect of localized man-made warming events and activities on biodiversity and lifestyle."

The scientists indicated that the next step would be to calculate the exact avian mortality rates caused by localized man-made warming events and also the role played in it by the condiment industrial complex, as facilitators of such activities.

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Photographic Evidence of Man-Made Warming Affecting a Local Bird Population

 

 

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Lenin help us if the neo-cons are successful in their mobile version and can unleash this hell on earth upon Gaia's fowls anywhere in the world on a moments notice.

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We must change the paradigm to "Man Made Global Climate Change." Here in the Peoples' Trailer Park, a flock of flamingos has fallen prey to sudden paralysis!

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Excellent scientific reserach, easily worth the two billion million dollars spent. Comrade, I am sure with a few billion small amount of additional funds, science can prove that bread crumbs and barbeque sauce accelerate the speed of global-warming-related bird deaths. Mayor Bloomberg may wish to consider banning these things for the public good.

 

 

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I must say... Well done, my good chap. er comrade.

 

 

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As the discerning diner knows, these birds are best if they're tenderized before globally warming them.

 

 

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Speaking strictly in my role as a caricature capitalist, all I can say is...

God I love the smell of warming birds in the morning! Almost as good as a fine cigar lit with $1000 bills from my $timulus money!

Good one Commodore Snoogie Woogums!! Gotta love the Cube!

 

 

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Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote:Two researchers who had received an Obama Government grant of two million dollars to fund their research activities, have released their findings and claimed that giant heat waves directly caused by man made warming have decimated bird populations through out the globe including one that was recently thriving in their own local neighborhood. The researchers also believe that mass amounts of other warming-related bird deaths have also been occurring in the past due to man made warming related activities.

Ummmm ... has anyone seen Red Rooster?

 

 

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This is HORRIFYING!!! We must contact Dear Leader immediately and form the Council Against Chicken Anthropogenics (CACA)!
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Any word from Dr. Batts & Choom about what this does to small human children with mustaches?

 

 

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Any word from Dr. Batts & Choom about what this does to small human children with mustaches?

Red, Keep this underneath your beak. I just got done talking to these two brilliant researchers and it seems as the heat rises that it also causes smoking as side effect in small kids with mustaches.

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Was there ever any doubt as to who cooked up this
nefarious plot against the aviarian masses.


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Red Rooster wrote:This is HORRIFYING!!! We must contact Dear Leader immediately and form the Council Against Chicken Anthropogenics (CACA)!
Comrade Rooster, I'm happy to announce that, in his typical way-ahead-of-everybody-else fashion (he is SOOOOO intelligent, after all) Dear Leader has already formed and staffed the Council Against Chicken Anthropogenics.

In this rare photo, we see an actual meeting of CACA, with the president's personal delegate speaking to the assembly prior to a vote:

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Regulate condiment industrial complex - it is directly responsible for the disappearance of massive bird populations!

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As I recall it, our Dear Leader Barack Hussein Obama comported himself to the gulf following the evil BP oil spill and himself helped a local restaurant's foodstuffs, helping them succeed to complete economic recovery! As he's done for all of us!

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Regulate condiment industrial complex - it is directly responsible for the disappearance of massive bird populations!

Beloved Square Leader,

I suggest we start piling on the job destroying regulations on this insidious small condiment company first.

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I also humbling suggest looking at over-regulating another industry to drive them out of business. This whole industry is marketing its nefarious anthropogenic warming-related products resulting in the bird mortality rates, under the oh so innocent sounding name of "Outdoor Patio Furniture" As in when a right wing neanderthal customer walks into a store and asks, "Where can I find your outdoor BBQ grills?"......"Why that would be in our outdoor patio furniture department section right in the back".... Instead of having to inquire "Where are your charcoal spewing ozone destroying bird crematories?"

Let's SAVE THE BIRDS!!!!!!

 

 

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Snoogie, it's been a while since I've been watching my back because of you, you filthy bastard had the pleasure of seeing your smiling face.

Of course we must save the birds. But do you know how many birds are chopped up by the wind turbines? As I recall the government was upset that that happened, or something like that, or who knows--it was entirely hysterical and totalitarian so I approve from my fallen arches to the titanium screws set in my thin, cracked skull to anchor my superheterodyne, phased-antenna array, phased-locked loop tin-foil hat.

Laika! Laika! Where are you? I just got a Jiffy-Lobo™ tune-up today but unless you beam me something really scorching, I won't be able to watch Chris Matthews. I hear he's got Janeane Gawdawfulho on tonight and I want to revel in ALL the whining. I want to see her leg hair. Hell, when she was last at the Rancho, Bruno drugged her and shaved her legs.

He was jealous.

Oh. Back to the ever-important, endlessly self-entitled ME. It's all about me because I care. You get this, proglets? It's about me because I CARE. Until you learn this, you'll never be a made prog like Father Prog Theocritus.

Oh dear. Have you ever had a moment of supreme self-righteous satisfaction and lost bowel control? "I'm so happy I could just shit," isn't just a line. It's a truth as good as, "I feel in my heart." Or, "They don't feel pain like we do." Or, "Even though they're paying 86% of the taxes, they're not paying their fair share."

The only thing is how to keep the turbines from killing birds? Well, since there is no government money for maintaining and rehabbing them, they'll stop of their own accord. Also, my major interest in birds is keeping a room of them for shitting on copies of the Constitution.

I actually predict the Kremlinbowl using auspices. I have some chickens--Rhode Island reds, of course, trained by the Chaffee family, unsurpassed RINOs--and I write the name of one of the teams, say the Hamburg Horny Handed Sons of the Soil, on a copy of the constitution and throw it on the floor. And I continue. Wherever the chicken relieves its bowls predicts the winner of the Kremlinbowl.

I apologize if I seem to discursive. I have had a good day, having gotten in the boot to two entirely innocent people.

I truly am a Made Prog.

 

 

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Where is the investigation into the connection between Bush, Halliburton's BIG OIL, this global increase in temperature and the decline of the bird population just like Al Gore showed us of the polar bears?

I have it on good authority that a rogue military officer of the Boosh regime one Colonel Sanders, is dissecting poultry, submerging the pieces in (all together now...) OIL and selling for profit and ill-gotten gain (using non-union workers paid only minimum wage) the final results in both original and extra-crispy!




FLATUS herself has been seen inquiring into this situation, usually requiring copious anounts of mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits...

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Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Of course we must save the birds. But do you know how many birds are chopped up by the wind turbines?
Ahem.

Father Theo. What do you have against bird tenderizing? Wind turbines killing birds is a Rethugglikkkan myth and a lie - sure, birds fly through there and get whacked around a bit, but they survive, and they're tenderer for it.

You want tough, stringy bird muscle for dinner?!?

 

 

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Actually I yearn for the days of the People's Tasty Crème. That's all the essential nutrients pulped together so that all may enjoy. You don't have to have teeth or even a jaw. Just pump it in through the rectum.

Which is to be frank where a lot of it came from. That and the ground up bits of dead birds and road kill. Garnished with a beet of course.

 

 

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Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Actually I yearn for the days of the People's Tasty Crème. That's all the essential nutrients pulped together so that all may enjoy. You don't have to have teeth or even a jaw. Just pump it in through the rectum.

Which is to be frank where a lot of it came from. That and the ground up bits of dead birds and road kill. Garnished with a beet of course.

I think you have coined a good name for the popular substance Father Prog ...


 

 

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Suggestion: start spreading the rumor that Soylent Green is really chicken.

Hmmm... numnum... it actually DOES taste a bit like chicken

 

 

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TheLastCapitalist wrote:Suggestion: start spreading the rumor that Soylent Green is really chicken.

Hmmm... numnum... it actually DOES taste a bit like chicken

Yes according to the Current Truth ™ Soylent Green is chicken. Any deviation from this truth will be dealt with accordingly. Tastes much better than Soylent Brown IMO.



 

 

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Comrades, have you missed the picture of the melting street lights in Oklahoma?
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Of course all we cognoscenti know that it was a dumpster fire which melted it but hey! A good crisis is a terrible thing to waste. Thank you, comrade Rahmbutt.

Cognoscenti you would think means people who know things. You'd be wrong, if you mean people who know what's actually factual.

Here, we comrades know that facts are inconvenient things and reality is what we pull out of our asses, so the melting street lights are just fine because they support global warming, which is Lenin's own truth.

Even though it's a big fat lie.

I'm so happy that I could just shit. Again.

 

 

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Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Comrades, have you missed the picture of the melting street lights in Oklahoma?
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Of course all we cognoscenti know that it was a dumpster fire which melted it but hey! A good crisis is a terrible thing to waste. Thank you, comrade Rahmbutt.

Cognoscenti you would think means people who know things. You'd be wrong, if you mean people who know what's actually factual.

Here, we comrades know that facts are inconvenient things and reality is what we pull out of our asses, so the melting street lights are just fine because they support global warming, which is Lenin's own truth.

Even though it's a big fat lie.

I'm so happy that I could just shit. Again.

Comrade Father Prog, The Rethuglican Deniers ™ were claiming this was false as the other street lights of the same exact type on other parts of the same street were not melted, and that the melting point of those lights are way higher than any temperature that has ever been produced on earth from climate.

However, the current truth is that they didn't consider the hole in the ozone layer was in perfect alignment with those specific street lights and due to quantum effects of light and AGW combined, and a very intense particle beam was responsible.

Now if we can just get the beam to focus on our chickens or at least on the KKKonservatives ....

 

 

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Castrate, I like the way you think. Nothing to do with logic but it packs a punch. You know, by Lenin, if you keep that up, you'll be writing speeches for Senator Reid to deliver in the well of the Senate.

I quite like his averring that the Romneybot paid no taxes for ten years. Obviously it's a lie but it's a GOOD lie, with traction, and it is the finest sort of class warfare--led by a man who lives in the Ritz Carlton.

But let's be careful with Senator Reid: there are people out to get him. Someone called me last night and told me that Senator Reid has taken advantage of the legalized prostitution in Nevada and owns his own whorehouse. Perfectly fine and legal.

I was also told that if you go in, and whisper, not "Swordfish," but "Dingy Harry sent me," you can have your choice of the shall we say prepubescent sex workers.

Also this source told me that if you bring in enough of the readies, you can watch a snuff movie being made in the back room.

All owned by Harry Reid.

I cannot reveal my source of course any more than Senator Reid can reveal his source.

Both are equally true.

 

 


 
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