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Viva la merchandise!
Who's your daddy?
Have yourself a nice progressive Christmas!
WATCH VIDEO HERE
In the true spirit of
Christmas collectivism we decided to lift off this traditional holiday greeting that for a few years was being shared equally by the multitudes of Internet users, courtesy of an unknown progressive member of the National Lawyers Guild or the ACLU or both.
To be a true progressive you have to believe that no idea can be called good, bad, new, old, or stolen, since all ideas reside inside our common collective consciousness which belongs to no one in particular and to everybody at once - an entity also known as The People™.
So if you already saw this greeting before, go ahead and refresh your memory; if you're seeing it for the first time - enjoy!
Our progressive contributor Alva Goldbook has posted on his Nitwit Blog a clever diatribe titled The Mental Illness Of Conservatism in which he took a long statement by Hitler, substituted "Jews" for "Liberals," "Germany" for "America," and "Fascists" for "Conservatives," and asked us to guess which conservative pundit wrote that.
Alva forgot that, in our definition of Hitler in the People's Glossary we had set a strict rule stipulating that "any such discussions should only be allowed to Party-approved professors of progressive science," so that untrained puny-minded weak liberals (UPMWL) wouldn't trespass into an ideological minefield and blow up the carefully constructed progressive defenses - which is what Alva just did, being the aforementioned UPMWL.
So we asked Alva a follow-up question: Which socialist pundit he thinks said this....
Under pressure from New Jersey's highest court to offer marriage or its equivalent to multi-sexual-oriented couples, groups, and associations, the state Legislature voted last week to make New Jersey the third state to allow civil unions.
"This is a huge step towards progress," says M.S. Punchenko, who has been waiting more than four years to enter into an official legal relationship with a toaster named Helen<3, his long-time life partner and a registered Democrat. "If I could get my toaster registered to vote for Robert Menendez in midterm elections, she might as well be entitled to my health insurance, inheritance, and adoption rights," Punchenko says.
Activists of several Latino advocacy groups hailed the recent E. coli outbreaks at Taco Bell restaurants as "the biggest success yet in reclaiming Aztlan culture on the territories occupied by the American invaders."
Groups as La Raza, MEChA, Organization for the Liberation of Aztlan, and other advocates for the restoration of a legendary Chicano country called Aztlan, are celebrating victory.
"Mexican people across North America can finally get fast food just like back home," said Margarita Cagada, executive director of the New Jersey state chapter of La Raza. "On behalf of all Hispanics everywhere, La Raza praises Taco Bell for its loyalty to diversity and the promotion of Chicanismo within the community."
Now it's time for the Democrats to return the favor and arrange a sweeping victory for the funding of embryonic stem cell research. It is especially important because now Fox has apparently decided that settling for Parkinson's alone is for wimps, and if he wants to be a truly progressive victim he also needs the brain tumor that embryonic stem cells create.
Recall that Parkinson's patient in China, whose brain after being implanted with embryonic stem cells began to develop bone, skin, and hair - until an entire Siamese twin grew in his head, killing the host.
"If we must try something new, why not make it fun while we still have time?" says James Baker, a former Secretary of State. "We simply must get the disco ball rolling by New Year's Eve," agrees his co-author Lee Hamilton. Both Baker and Hamilton emphasize that if one party can't solve Iraq's problems, it would be irresponsible to dismiss the idea of a series of parties.
It will not be voluntary - but it can be made smooth and painless with the use of re-educational TV programming. The American masses won't even notice the transition, just like they didn't notice the transition to socialist values in the past, due to the masterful work of mind-conditioning experts at all progressive media channels. To that end we recommend this Sharia-friendly Winter TV Line-up: MORE
- The Organic Garden of Eden
- Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
- What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
- Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
- Jonah Saves the Whale
- David Appeases Goliath
- The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
- The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
- Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
- Judas The ACLU Lawyer
- Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
- Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes
Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization."Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
A huge victory for progress! The media highlights the need to consider the sensbilities of Muslims - while nobody highlights the need to consider the sensibilities of American passengers who can't shake off the visuals of 9/11 every time they board a plane. The country will soon be ours!
Bryan James Hathaway is a young minority activist from Wisconsin who has been on the forefront of progressive struggle for the liberation of inanimate objects, plants, animals, and household appliances. His selfless devotion to fighting speciism and necrophobia in our society has led him to be brutally persecuted, tortured, and incarcerated - all for a laughable "crime" of "sexual gratification with a dead deer on the side of the road." As if his prior conviction of "horsing around" had not been enough, the bigoted ruling class is once again making him the whipping boy of their own suppressed anxieties, fantasies, and desires.
"We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said.
Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside.
Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™.
Therefore, we hereby announce
for the translation of Michael Moore's Pledge
into a language that the radical masses can understand
Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed his icon's example, releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's removal from power surfaced again this week when, just in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part Fox television special and release a book that will give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian intelligence.
Rock formations resembling the faces of U.S. presidents evolve from the effects of erosion in South Dakota.
From left to right, many unsophisticated Americans claim to see the resemblances of white, male oppressors G. Washington, T. Jefferson, T. Roosevelt, and A. Lincoln
Geologists are thrilled with the remarkable discovery, calling it the most impressive achievement of natural history to date. Progressive scientists and academics insist the likenesses are not portraits, but merely the appearance of portraits.
It was only a matter of time before the so-called "Iranian President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be unmasked as the biggest hoax in the history of television, perpetrated by Brooklyn comic Misha Braslavsky, a cable TV buffoon exploiting Western stereotypes of "evil Islamic radicalism."
Looking back, we can only laugh at our unblinking acceptance of Ahmadinejad, an "Islamist hard-liner" dressed like a Turkish used car salesman, who called to wipe Israel off the map or move it to Alaska, demanded a manual recount of Holocaust victims, and banned all Western music. His retractions were even more bizarre: "CNN make lie! I send squeegees to help Israel, not 'Wipe off Israel!' Who translated, I kill him!"
More bottom news of the day...
We have been asked by Howard Dean to develop some new catch phrases for our party and could use some help. Please add to this list:
If it ain't easy, it ain't workin'!
Why is everyone else so stupid?
We have all the easy answers - just ask us!
Three days after a midterm election that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch, saying he looked forward to working with them in a bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan jihad."
WASHINGTON, DC (TPC) -- A purported audio recording by a Democrat chieftain vows to step up the group's fight against the GOP, saying, "We haven't had enough of your blood yet." The 20-minute recording was posted Friday on a Web site used by Democratic activists and the speaker is identified as Nancy Pelosi, who takes over leadership of the US Congress after Dennis Hastert resigns in January. Calling President Bush a "lame duck" the speaker tells Bush not to "run away as your lame defense secretary ran away," referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who resigned Wednesday.MORE
DEMOCRATS TAKE HOUSE, CAR, SALARY, PORTFOLIO,
AND WHATEVER ELSE THEY CAN TAX!
NEW DRAPES ARE BEING INSTALLED BY
THE MOST PROGRESSIVE SAN FRANCISCO INTERIOR DECORATORS!
See on the People's Blog:
We decree that November 7 and 8 become government holidays, celebrated in centuries ahead by spontaneous street marches of correctly educated proletarians chanting Party-approved slogans, peacefully hurling bricks at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie, and vigorously consuming quantities of inexpensive People's Cube sugar beet vodka!
Vote often for the party of your choice - as long as it is the Democratic Party.
Going forward, since we know that everyone in their right mind wants to vote Democrat anyway, why don't we just forego elections and appoint the Party into the proper offices. Those who refuse to vote Democrat must be mentally incompetent, so instead of wasting people's resources on counting their votes, we should ship them off to the re-education centers where they can redeem their failings by hard corrective labor for the benefit of the Party!
REPORT ON THE PROGRESS OF YOUR CONTINUOUS VOTING EFFORT HERE!
According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead.
"Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
So gear up for the Great Patriotic Elections, comrade, with bumper stickers, election buttons, and lawn signs! And don't forget - one must mark ALL of his/her/its ballots for Democrats on November 7!
We strongly advise you not to use any slogans or jokes that do not carry an explicit rubber stamp of the Propaganda Department. Let John Kerry's demise be a lesson to all of you Party soldiers who believe you can think for yourselves. You can't.
If you would like to use a phrase that is not listed below, we urge you to post it here first for our review.
Hillary-Kissing for Idiots...and a reference for the rest of the village
From today's New York Post
POLITICAL PLANT: Closer . . . closer . . . kiss. Andrew Cuomo lines up Hillary Rodham Clinton for a peck she doesn't expect yesterday.
DESCRIPTION: The story can be recognized by three major attributes: (1) Sen. Kerry claims that he is smarter than the troops, (2) Sen. Kerry claims that he is smarter than their Commander in Chief, and (3) Sen. Kerry claims that not only he is smarter than the troops and the President, but that the American people are also incredibly stupid if they think Kerry would ever question their intelligence.
POSSIBLE LOCATION: The missing Kerry story is suspected to be hiding in the same cave as Osama bin Laden story, together with the record high Dow Jones story, low unemployment story, increased government revenues story, and positive changes in Iraq story. If not found within the next 24 hours, it'll disappear forever as expected (unless it contains the word "Foley").
"When they changed 'Muslim hoodlums' to 'disaffected youths' I thought they were improving on the sentence flow and prose styling," says AP reporter Ellen Stanley. "When they changed 'violent gangs' to 'violin fans' I thought they were making a joke. When they changed 'assheaded socialist policies' to 'inspiring government programs' and 'appeasement' to 'solution' I thought they were being sarcastic. Taken together, however, all these small edits changed the meaning of my report in its entirety.
Two New Gulagosphere Websites Launched!
A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts.
Yes, our cube-shaped Apple store resembles Ka'bah - so what? It's not like your real Mecca. To be more like the real Mecca it must have regular stampedes crushing thousands of geeks to death every year, aggravated by outbreaks of dysentery among huge crowds of Apple users crammed together in anti-sanitary conditions.
Comrade Mr. Snuggle Bunny is a graphic artist who works in Five-Year Plans, completing them all way ahead of schedule (as every Hero of Socialist Labor should)
Comrade S. Bunny's 5-Year Plan #2
Let's give him our warm collectivist welcome!
So when Ms. Malkin made another hurtful attempt to stop progress by writing a column about the "slutification of young girls," progressive truth-seekers had no other choice but to photo-manipulate her face onto the body of a young, nubile lusciously delectable, sumptuous (ahem... excuse us) college co-ed, and to use the result to expose Ms. Malkin as the biggest hypocrite who has ever lived.
However crazy, irresponsible, and outright criminal our behavior is, you can't call us sinful because that would be forcing your values on us.
You can't call us hypocrites because we never said we were perfect. You can't say we've lost shame because we can't lose what we don't have. Human imperfection is our standard, our goal, or breeding ground, our primordial soup if you will.
We stand for nothing and have no values except those that may hypothetically exist in a distant socialist utopia that may or may not happen.
What did the Bush administration do to break John McCain that a North Vietnamese prison camp couldn't do?
A recent leak from the White House establishes beyond doubt that the supposed change of heart came after one of the closed door sessions, at which George W. Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist subdued the maverick senator with a headlock, tied him to a chair, and violated his humanity by subjecting him to cruel and degrading treatment with loud Eminem music, sleep deprivation, hypothermia, and waterboarding.
The letter, signed by Slawomir Sierakowski, editor-in-chief of the Polish "Krytyka Polityczna", organ of the progressive wing of the Communist Party of Poland, indignantly criticizes us for misleading the masses into a "sinister bourgeois trap" of believing in a "competition with a human face." <
In a public speech made shortly after the quote first appeared in Muslim press, Manuel II apologized to the Islamic community that besieged his controversial "Byzantine entity."
MORE (and don't miss our 3 min video at the bottom)
And indeed, our special Bridge-Building survey has determined that from Saudi Arabia to Iran to Afghanistan, in the halls of the prestigious Islamic universities and government palaces, prominent Muslims are asking the same questions: "Why us? Why the terror alert system? Why security checks at airports?"
NEW SECTION: FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
(It is recommended that action be taken at all public and private institutions to adjust the lists accordingly. Compliance shall be monitored by independent legal observers from the ranks of the ACLU and the National Lawyers Guild.)
"I don't know what came over me," says McCartney, 64, who was widely criticized by peace activists as a "pro-war Beatle" for writing and singing a jingoistic tune containing such lines as "I will fight for the right to live in freedom. " In his statement, McCartney acknowledges that he had been experiencing "right-wing sentiments" for several weeks following 9/11. "Please know from my heart that I am not a patriot. I am not a even an American," he said.
Technically, the bands have been booked to play "All You Need Is Love" which begins with "La Marseillaise" (from the Beatles' psychedelic Yellow Submarine album and cartoon) - a choice made by Commissioner Kelly's wife who's in charge of the musical part of the project.
The City officials are expected to be joined by a large "9/11 Truth" peace rally which is in part sponsored by Yoko Ono, who has written a testimonial haiku poem for the occasion and is donating a number of materials promoting her current world tour exhibition, "Imagine Peace."
The controversy is largely fueled by Mullah Khatami's planned visits to Harvard, Georgetown University, Columbia University, and the University of Virginia for a round of introspective talks and consultations aimed at helping the progressive academic community better to understand their role in the Global War on U.S. Imperialism. The former Iranian leader is also expected to share his rich experience in purging academia and creating a perfectly uniform intellectual climate of diversity for the Greater GoodT.
the best thing that happened
to the Democratic Party
since Jimmy Carter's presidency!
GO TO KATRINA MEMORIAL PAGE >>
(read the headlines of the time in the right-hand column)REMEMBER KATRINA
A process whereby evil murderous thugs are turned into everyday heroes by an overzealous mainstream media. Hezbollize (verb) Assign great social importance to gangsters, treat them as celebrities (Hez-boll-ized, Hez-boll-iz-ing, Hez-boll-iz-es)
Example 1: "Cross burnings bring warmth and comfort to homes without central heating, as caring KKK activists distribute clean white clothing among impoverished kids.
"Example 2: "Crips, Bloods, MS 13 organize daily after school programs, engage minotiry children in pharmacological economics and ballistics training."
MORE People's Glossary definitions
- Lack of federal funding leads to downsizing of Solar System
- Small planets helpless against competition
- Growing disparity among planets raises moral questions
- Pluto & Me: Michael Moore stands with the little guy
- Most "dwarfs" will not survive harsh winter
- Republicans deny aid to Pluto amidst growing concerns for the future of trans-Neptunian objects
- Poll: Most Americans think that black holes are discriminated against
To our credit we have a firm grip on all of the above. One of the most prominent members of the academic community in this respect is Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD, who has kindly written for the People's Cube a brief yet masterful summary of the recent conflict in the Middle East. Not only does it correctly capture the way the events were covered by world's progressive media, it is also destined to enter the annals of history as the sole unquestionable resource for social scientists of the future.
Now in the decadent West, they have a myth about Santa Claus and Reindeers that can fly. We all know that is not true and even if it was true, Santa Claus would be an enemy of the state because he keeps elves as slaves and beats the Reindeer with whips. The ACLU and PETA would have sued him and his fat, jolly butt would be in the slammer.
Now in the progressive Islamic Republics, especially Iran, there is The Prophet and Bourak. Bourak is half man and half flying horse and the Prophet flies on his back to the farthest mosque (Jerusalem), heaven and hell, and the houses of misery and happiness. This is done on the night as what is known on the infidel calendar as August 22, and true believers call this the Miraj.
Sporting a characteristic martyr bandana with the motto "From cradle to grave" written in Arabic, and a suicide belt filled nails and rat poison, this cute and cuddly Terrortubby is intended to show European and American kids that beyond its desire to exterminate the Jew, Hezbollah is, in fact, a caring playmate that will tend to your social needs through a strong presence in the big, generous government!
The struggle to revolutionize news media by purging it from such bourgeois concepts as truth and objectivity will now be joined by Jamal Sixpack, Harry Helmet, Charlie Chair, Lou the Looter, Torched Peugeot from the French riots, and other media icons including Che Guevara (monochrome models only).
Generate hard-hitting reporting by mounting Popular Media Figures™ individually or in groups in front of a burning garbage dump and get that Pulitzer you've always wanted!
- Laminated on 5mm corrugated plastic board
- Water resistant, durable for short term outdoor use
- Great for quick mounting in the ground
- No Photoshop required!
- Fits most popular models of travel bags
In fact, many academics who teach Peace Studies at prestigious universities believe that it was the Zionists' "disproportionate use of force" that had ruined hopes for peace in Europe and caused a humanitarian crisis that could have easily be avoided if only Jews had shown restraint and tolerance towards the democratically elected German government.
Wouldn't you want your boy to "discover the ant within" and become a disposable drone in an anthill, sacrificing himself for the Greater Good™ as it is defined by his wise leaders? As a parent you don't have to do anything - your local public school is fully equipped to prepare your child for a life as mote in the vast collective. And then there are animated movies.
Most audiences won't find anything unusual in the new CGI-animated kiddy adventure film The Ant Bully.
A savvy parent might yawn at the routine obligatory condemnation of the Western "every man for himself" society that relies on technological crutches and WMD to oppress and eliminate the weaker, gentler "other" society that relies on collectivist values, magic, and wisdom of a benevolent supreme leader. Been there, done that. Progressive viewers will predictably scoff at the "barbaric" human morality embodied in a greedy, corrupt, militaristic, cigar-smoking redneck exterminator, while wistfully admiring a higher "other" morality embodied in the happy colony of environmentally-friendly comrades concerned with collective welfare and self-sacrifice for the common good.
And now for something completely different: emoticons. The party has always placed emotions first and rational arguments last. To enable progressive internet users with better means of expressing their feelings online, our Karl Marx Treatment Center developed a new line of emoticons called EMOTI-CAN. It will let you emote on any issue with nuance and versatility of a seasoned diplomat, an award-winning pundit, or a sophisticated "paper of record." It gives the word "moonbat" a whole new meaning!MORE
The tranquility of the late Soviet Union can be easily moved to the Middle East -- with the assistance of a violent revolution to terminally smash the ruling class and establish a workers' paradise where everyone will be the equal of everyone else, and everything we need will be free. Why can't the entire Middle East be like a People-of-Color version of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea? There are no wars among the Korean people! MORE
They now offer their customers anthrax yarmulke, razor-wire-lined tallit, exploding gartel, strangling attarah, metal-piercing dreidels, and other novelty items that are "fun, educational, and lethal."
A sample lineup of Jewish Martyr Toys and mission statement from the manufacturer's website:
Inspired by the progressive Daily Koz
Imagine there's no Israel
It's easy if you try
No Jews around us
Why can't they all just die
Imagine all the Hebrews
Pushed into the sea...
MORE (with sing along MIDI - turn on your speakers)
Today the Pentagon responded by releasing a diagram that details vulnerabilities of the New York Times journalists, which analysts predict is about to become the focus of a new media fury.
"The Pentagon released the results of their secret research despite our strongest objections," said Bill Keller, the executive editor of The Times, in an urgent statement. "It can seriously damage our ability to gather and publish information that is harmful to the United States."
In today's issue the fearless NYT showed the world how the militaristic US government was co-opting major capitalist financial institutions to track global financial transfers.
The message this sends is clear - give up, George Bush! Protecting America is a useless task when you face the glorious destructive force of progressive media! America must be destroyed! It is a historical inevitability whose time has come!
Encouraged by the media success of their "Bring the troops home before the job is done" campaign, Democrat leadership decided to expand this strategy to other groups of society.
The new "Cut and Run For America" campaign to send everybody home before the job is done will first be tested on government employees - teachers, doctors, police, firefighters - and later cover the rest of the population.
"Americans need to stop trying," explained the new compassionate strategy Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV). "We deeply believe that most people in this country would like to stay low, stop thinking, stop fending for themselves, and just live off government handouts."
The suit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of seven homeless people, some of them of color, squatting in an abandoned building next to the Home Depot parking lot in the Coney Island area of New York.
PHILADELPHIA - Encouraged by the success of a civil rights investigation into a local cheese steak restaurant that posted a sign "This is America - when ordering, speak English," a civil rights watchdog agency opened a similar investigation into one of the city's software development companies, Java Systems, for discriminating against non-Java programming languages.MORE
Another leader of social progress has been murdered by American war criminals today. The Left lost a prominent comrade who helped us fight US imperialism at home and abroad. Every glorious beheading and school bus explosion he committed was cherished by human rights activists as another proof of the cynical nature of the Bush administration.
FOR PROGRESSIVE MASS MEDIA:
- Why right-wing extremists cheer Zarqawi's death
- Should we love Al Zarqawi? Many think so
- Zarqawi killed, but more impotantly - what have US marines done wrong lately?
- Zarqawi Studies Center and Museum to open in University of Colorado at Boulder
- FCC bans "dancing Zarqawi" iPod commercial
- Cameron Diaz gets a cool Zarqawi tattoo
Just as all progressive New Yorkers of good will prepared to celebrate this year's Fleet Week by watching reruns of Battleship Potemkin and dancing to the uplifting sounds of Red Army and Red Navy Choir, their open-minded city suffered a rude invasion by the militaristic US Navy forces.
The boorish US sailors and marines scurried through New York's enlightened neighborhoods without an exit strategy, acting like the occupiers they were - offending cultural sensitivities of the natives by not holding their heads down nor hiding their eyes in fear and guilt every time a faithful native gave them an accusing stare.
Because I have seen the trailer for your classic film, An Inconvenient Truth. Your cinematic skills taught me that the future is one of "hundreds of millions of refugees," fires, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear disasters, and terrifying PowerPoint slides - all occurring within seven seconds.
Eminent domain expropriations are sweeping the American motherland like a red tide of Socialism raised by the increasing gravitational pool of Marxist thought. The Mayor of Piscataway, New Jersey, has recently seized the last remaining farm in the area in order to turn it into an empty space - the epitome of Socialist improvement, a.k.a. the Greater Good™.
Upon hearing that the kulaks and other greedy property owners of New Jersey are being liquidated as a class, Lenin resurrected from his Mausoleum - again - to help the revolutionary US peasants confiscate capitalist property and redistribute the bourgeois wealth.
Step one: find the heroic Democrat Mayor of Piscataway and present him with People's Award for Expropriation and Confiscation...
- Letter From Zacarias Moussaoui
- Letter From Howard Dean
- Letter From Jay Leno
- Letter From Kim Jong Il
- Letter From Voodoo Priest Papa Gris-Gris
- Letter From Morpheus (of The Matrix)
- Letter From Lagos (Confidential Investment Proposal)
- Letter From Laika the Space Dog
- Letter From Google
- Letter From Kofi Annan
- Letter From ex-Muslim Omar
Ole'! We will sneak,
'Cross the border tonight.
There's no wall to be scaled,
And your laws aren't worth heeding. We will need no green cards,
Nor a license to drive.
All hail Vicente Fox!
We're here and not leaving. Your family needs an au pair!
And some help with lawn care!
So why put up a fight,
When good help is so rare? Celebrate as our tri-colored banner is raised
Over our new colonies
In the land of the dazed!
They crossed the border risking life and limb...
They get paid peanuts...
They do jobs others refuse to do...
Some people back in their own country treat them with little respect...
They live crammed together in substandard conditions...
They rarely see their families...
They have to learn a foreign language and culture...
They recognize only one flag...
WHO ARE THEY?CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT
Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by "accident"? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn't it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?
Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!
An early-morning car crash involving Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.), son of Sen. Ted Kennedy, has brought to the fore the excessive stress associated with being a congressman. At approximately 2:45 a.m. Thursday Pat Kennedy's car, with its lights turned off, narrowly missed colliding with a Police cruiser, then smashed into a security barricade. Patrick exited the vehicle staggering and declared he was a Congressman and was late to a vote. The House had adjourned nearly three hours before the incident.
The physician for the Kennedy clan has determined that young Patrick has been devoting so much time to his job and is so sleep-deprived that he was essentially "sleep driving" when he nearly injured himself in his vehicle.
Loosely based on the original's lyrics and much more progressive in message, the revised national anthem is part of a larger wave of similar "reinventions" that is breaking across the fruited plain, washing away the wilted "cultural crops" of the bourgeoisie, and sowing something new and vibrant in their place.
Today Comrades, millions of socialists are taking to the streets of Amerika to advance the cause of the Welfare State! All borders shall be removed! The Mexicomintern Council has been working very hard with La Raza these past few months, blending fascism and socialism to come up a unique brand of progressive thought which is bound to destroy the Evil Gringo Bush and his capitalist knaves. Assimilation? No! Domination? Yes! Free stuff (hospital care) for everybody! We'll march today and get drunk on Friday, Cinco de Mayo! Even the Mexicans have kicked French Ass!
According to Laika the Space Dog, The Berlin Wall fell in 1989 - but the Soviet Union NEVER FELL! We are in camouflage. Shhh! Regrettably, some of our overly zealous comrades are breaking the camouflage rules and leaking the truth out. Thus, Access Hollywood's New York correspondent, Tim Vincent, a veteran of the BBC, has repeatedly sported a hammer and sickle T-shirt as he introduced a story (see video). <
Abu Salim, Exxon station manager: "Moms have no problem dumping off one of their kids in return for a month of fill ups."
"With gas prices higher than Beverley Hills heroin addicts, it is our duty as Democrats and good citizens, to help the poor get by another day without having to work harder," says Los Angeles Mayor. "Anything is better than drilling for more oil in Alaska."
Written and photographed by Comrade Betty, a bona fide student of that school
I owe much of my aspirations to my teachers who have enlightened me and shown me the way to the glorious servitude of communism. The best part of it is that it requires absolutely no thinking. Who needs thinking if the entire universe has already been revealed to me, conveniently sliced and packaged, in my teachers' easy, educational bumper stickers?
Memorize them all - and you're ready for adulthood. I even took some pictures to share with you - and also to keep them with me after I leave skool, because if I forget what they said I'll be left without any moral guidance, and that's scary.
You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
Engrish.com that published this image points at "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." This coffee mix from a Korean shop in China, however, is neither humorous nor is it a mistake.
We at the People's Cube have been using Marxism Coffee Mix while writing our materials since the site's inception. Now, would you also like to see the other side of the package?
Are you Black and got pulled over going 40 in a 25 mph speed limit? Then the RaceCard may be just the thing for ya! Have you ever found yourself walking while Black? Eating while Black? Or perhaps mugging someone while Black? Hitting an officer while Black? If so, child, you have come to the right place!
While joking, one must always err on the side on caution - for "humor" is, by its nature, connected to the archaic bourgeois notions of "free expression" and "unorthodox thinking."
Humor is often indistinguishable from lies - and we know that the concept of lies was invented by the ruling class of oppressors as a tool to deceive and exploit the oppressed (see Karl Marx's "Religion is the opiate of the masses").
Unfortunately for the progressive movement, the consumption of bourgeois drinks was caught on tape by capitalist running dogs, thus exposing the soft belly of our class struggle.
Read regular updates on the situation in Belarus on Lenin's own blog!
At the famed Sorbonne University, protesters vandalized cars, bus shelters, and shops, including a McDonald's restaurant. Rioters, crying "Vive la Revolution," absconded with a statue of Ronald McDonald and later beheaded it with a makeshift guillotine.
"The new jobs contract is a slap in the face to our youth," an indignant student activist told us as he filled an empty wine bottle with gasoline to make a Molotov cocktail. "Every French child grows up dreaming that the government will give him a non-demanding job that'll pay for his future spacious apartment, month-long vacations, and dinners at Maxim. Now our dreams are shattered! Who can blame us for being angry? I'd like to look that person in the eye and torch his car."
How is that, you say? Well, my friends, after watching "V" I felt royally f*cked and violated.
This movie is not just bad, it is worse. I am changing the English language to allow the statement "this is a worse movie," for "V" is and will be worse than any movie anyone anywhere might make in the future.
But enough of the name calling -- let's get to the film (without revealing too many plot details).
In future England (approximately 2015?), the Government controlls the news media, the Koran is outlawed, and homosexuals are wantonly murdered for their sexuality. Terrorists are freedom fighters, military personell are murderers, and mention is made of the Iraq and Afghani conflicts, as well as new ones in Syria.
The latest innovations in search technology allow Gulag.com to provide you with search results without even having to type! Just click one button - your search will be returned immediately. Coming soon is the "advanced" mode, where you can actually type in your request! Immediately, your search is refined before even being submitted! No more faulty searches where you have to retype your query! No more "did you mean Cindy Sheehan" when you accidentally typed "Paris Hilton!"
Open letter #2 to Google from the People's Cube
(posted on Google.com Help Center at 8:30pm on March 10, 2006
At some point, quite recently, our popular site "The People's Cube" (ThePeoplesCube.com) was purged from Google search results. MSN , Yahoo and other search engines still have it - but Google has erased/blocked any link to the site in its database. One can still find links to us from other sites - but not even one from Google to ThePeoplesCube.com.
We tried American, French, German, British, Australian, and Russian versions of Google - they used to give us traffic only a few days ago - but all we got was the same line in various languages...
Scientists: If your mouth is already on the floor, you have an evolutionary advantage over those who need to bend over.
The mutation that has afflicted a family in Turkey has stripped them of the genes that let humans walk upright, returning them to the pre-human state of quadrupedalism, or four-limbed walking. Many scientists hope that BES will reveal the secrets of human origins. But researchers at the Karl Marx Treatment Center see it as an exciting opportunity to correct human evolution, which has gone terribly wrong.
"Humankind has made a wrong turn somewhere in its development," says the Center's Chief Scientist Dr. Fuku. "It has evolved individualism, greed, competition, and private property. Ever wondered why socialism never worked anywhere it's been tried? Bad genes."
Our first installment explains why Iran has the right to build nuclear weapons in order to wipe two illegitimate entities, Israel and the United States, off the face of the Earth.
Twelfth Imam is Coming to Town is a sing-along version of the famous carol (with a great rendition playing on the background). The Islamic Republic of Iran's governing council of mullahs and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also believe in Santa Claus - only in their Shi'ite creed Santa is called the 12th Imam, known as the Mahdi....
Rage against the besmirching of Adolf Hitler's name poured out across the Muslim world on Saturday, with aggrieved believers calling for the execution of those involved, storming buildings, and setting European and American flags afire. MORE
The uproar over major US seaports falling into the hands of an Arab-owned company has eclipsed a strikingly similar story of major US news outlets, Hollywood, academia, and the Democratic Party itself falling into the hands of International Left groups run by foreign nationals and even hostile governments, e.g., Cuba and Venezuela.
"Even the names of main acting figures are the same," complains Dubai Ports World Senior Vice President Michael Moore. "Unlike the DPW deal, however, the DP deal, and the MSM deal, and the Hollywood deal aren't subject to the same scrutiny and aren't going to be delayed by 45 days - even though they pose a much greater threat to national security than our shipping firm," Mr. Michael Moore said.
All we want to know is this:
- Did he act alone?
- Why was he shooting quail on a grassy knoll?
- Did he go to a Dallas theater after the shooting?
- Why was he in Texas?
- Has he been to Russia?
- Is a 28 gauge shotgun the same as a Mannlicher-Carbono?
- Does Carl Rove own a nightclub?
- What about the "Magic Pellet"?
The new power-generating technology, dubbed "People Power" utilizes the metaphysical energy of the revolutionary masses (also known as "hatred of capitalist pigs"), extracting progressive energy from highly charged individuals, and converting the "discharge" into clean electrical power.
As such, it may reconcile opposing political ideologies by both eliminating industrial pollution and generating unlimited profit for capitalist entrepreneurs. And it is absolutely non-addictive.
As President Bush and his staff cowered in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African American victims who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida. Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn, and dark rum - so essential to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm - lay in stores undelivered.
"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to buy my damn lottery tickets!" said one D.C. resident from his living room. "Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?"
Jewish religious leaders: "We will accept nothing less than cutting off the heads of the perpetrators!"
As explained by residents at one Fort Lauderdale senior-care center, "If you thought that the Burger King's defamation against Islam was incendiary, then wait until you see how vengeance is taken against those who display swastikas. Those torchings of Broward County Sushi restaurants were no accident."
However, when confronted with evidence that the arson attack might have actually come from these senior residents, he offered a different explanation: "It's against the Jewish religion to harm others. We know for a fact that the Buddhist Secret Service destroyed those restaurants in order to make us look bad."
Ahmed Jihad of the Soros-funded charity Make Bombs, Not Cartoons sadly stated that "This is the end of a tenuous peace between Muslims and Infidels, with only the occasional beheading, open market suicide bomb, or fiery suicide plane mission."
JOIN THE ISLAM RED JIHAD HERE
The Virginia Governor's furry little pet left American viewers adjusting their TV sets, while the makers of Rogaine scrambled to see if a product malfunction had taken place. Sometimes the creature seemed to take on a life of its own, moving independently from the rest of Kaine's head, and at one point even leaving the room for a minute, only to return with a glass of water...
Naturally it took twice as much time to map it because the brain of a progressive, open-minded Democrat is always changing - as opposed to the rigid and bigoted Republican brain.
Click on the map to see larger image!
Scientists have finally identified a fatal brain disorder responsible for the behavior of Republicans, Conservatives, and other capitalist class enemies.
After the Washington Post reported on a revolutionary study, in which progressive researchers scanned Republican brains for signs of deformation, we contacted the institute that conducted the study, the Karl Marx Treatment Center. The Center provided us with blood-chilling CAT images that show what happen s to a brain that is allowed to grow without the caring guidance of the progressive establishment.
Google's Great Leap Forward
An open letter to Google from the People's Cube
May we take this opportunity to applaud your decision on accepting technical guidance from the Communist Party of China in your creative Google China project, and to extend our admiration for your recognition that search technologies are best left in the hands of responsible government entities (the U.S. imperialist government doesn't fall into that category, of course). There has been, however, a misunderstanding of sorts, which we must point out to you. To wit - where is this page?
People's Economics Primer
- Surplus value
- Sound financial advice
After humiliating your right-wing adversaries with the devastating rhetorical skills in The People's Progressive Truth Generator, you will be able to impress your progressive allies with the economic knowledge you learned in Professor Kurgman's Economics Primer.
CIA experts have confirmed the authenticity of bin Laden's voice, but they didn't elaborate about why the al Qaeda leader had switched from videos of himself to audio.
Al-Jazeera's spokesman offered no explanation either, claiming the tape had come from the same source as all previous bin Laden statements.
Looking for answers, The People's Cube went straight to the source.
Furious gangsta community leaders demanded that a similar sensitivity training program be created to educate law enforcement members about the intricacies of "gangsta-culture," with its vibrant rituals, traditions, and etiquette.
"The Crips community has been here since the seventies and we don't get no sensitivity program," said a concerned Crips activist who happens to be a minority. "The Muslims just showed up and they get all the respect. Why don't the news people raise awareness about the Crips' traditions and culture? The cops are learning that the Muslims get offended when you show them the soles of your shoes. But what if we in the gangsta community get offended when the cops show us the whites of their eyes? Will they finally quit that sh*t?"
We at the People's Cube have developed a technology that emulates the thinking of the NYT writers. With just one mouse-click, without paying a dime at the newsstand, you can now generate an instant NYT headline that will brighten your day and ruin it for the capitalist pigs. Just look at this list of Top 10 NYT Headlines we have generated with this technology:
Click here to generate your own progressive NYT headline
"That's the kind of deal we could live with," declared Mr. Clark. "My client needs therapy, not prison! A lengthy term will only harden this fellow. Sure, my heart goes out to his alleged victims, but there are other families out there, and there are other innocents who could be victimized if Mr. Hussein doesn't receive timely therapy. I'm trying to take the long view. Moving the trial to the Green Mountain State will ensure that progressive justice is served."
The strongest subliminal message this movie sends is that of the moral bankruptcy of America 's culture of greed and commercialism and the crushing impact that it has on a heroic giant with the noble heart of a savage. Capitalist exploitation? Absolutely. Devastating effects of globalization? Of course. Western imperialism imposing its cultural hegemony on non-conformist representatives of indigenous cultures? You bet. Animal rights issues? Lots of them. Condemnation of bourgeois anti-bestiality taboos? Sure enough. Humanizing animals while dehumanizing mankind?...
The group has released a video showing a collection of handcuffed and quivering Western hostages, later identified as a Reuters journalist, a CNN reporter, two Code Pink activists, an International ANSWER functionary, a Democratic US Senator, and members of various communist and anarchist factions, including Christian Peacemaker Teams.
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